Ok, so, I am driving down the road to bring my daughter to dinner for her birthday and see this billboard sign and it catches my attention. Understand that most signs don’t because they are terrible, but this one is a white sign and on one side says LUST and the other side says LOVE in red letters with the words “I am second” in white on a black patch in the center with the website www.iamsecond.com in the corner. I struck me because I really didn’t know what it was about and yet it was drawing me. I did not know then, but I know now that it was my spirit was that was drawing me to this sign.

It is a day later and I am at my computer and I remember this sign and go to the website. It is also plain, but it has a person on the right and a statement “I am second,” that you can click which takes you to a video of them speaking. Well, I was not prepared to hear the amazing testimonies of how God has changed these peoples lives and then to have them declare that they are second or say at the end “I am second” to God. I sat there and listened to several of them. The one I liked the most is the one from Stephen Baldwin where his cleaning lady told his wife she was not there to just clean the house but because they would become Christians and have a ministry. This is an amazing website. You have to check it out.

And it got me to thinking about how I am second. God is in control of my life and Jesus is Lord of my life and I am happily second to them. I can remember a time before them when I was living for me and how lust and pornography got me into trouble with the law on multiple occasions and was leading me down a very bad path. But God got a hold of me and shook me up because he has a plan and a ministry for me down the road. He has had many people like that maid tell me that God has things in store and for a while like Stephen I ran. But I am not running away from God anymore. On July 12, 1992, in a little church in upstate New York I made Jesus lord of my life. And then several years later, while having Jesus as lord, but still trying to be the one in control, I gave everything over to him and told him that I made a mess of things and that if he could do anything with this life it was his. Since then, he has moved me to Texas and given me a great job. He continues to inspire me in writing and also is developing some interesting contacts. I know that God has great things in store and I am excited. But the coolest thing is that I don’t have to worry about one thing. I just get to enjoy the ride because God is in control and “I am second.”

Continuing in the series on marriage, I want to discuss the important topic of children within the marriage because there is much misunderstanding in our world as to the role of children and their importance and their place. Hopefully when I am finished, you will have a clear understand of how God sees children.

The world view on children is often times backwards to how God sees them. Many families live the whole lives centered on the children while their marriages slowly erode into nothing until one day when their children move out to discover lives of their own their parents discovers they no longer know each other. This is not God’s plan or design. Hidden within this worldly view is the concept that children are a burden and overwhelming responsibility that one must endure and struggle through eighteen years, more if they go to college, and only hope that somehow their painfully long plight was worth something in the end. How many times have you heard people complaining about having to pay for something for their children because for them struggling to raise kids the worlds way is just not providing them with the joy that they should be receiving. And this does not even begin to touch upon the countless families who dread the so called horrors of the teenage years because they have been told their kids will rebel and there will be a form of hell to suffer through. And much of this revolves around this concept of attempting to live the family life around the children and including them in the family structure as equals as if they were little adults even when they can barely speak. Nothing can be further from God’s plan for the family and for children.

To begin looking what God had in mind, we must start with the idea that children are a gift and a blessing from God.

As we have been talking about through this entire study, unless the Lord is the center of your family, then all your work is in vain because only God can bless, protect and provide for your family when everything else in this world fails. When your jobs lays you off and the bills are still due and there is no one to help you out, God can still take care of you and this is why it says that God must be the center of the family. Not the children, not the husband, not the wife, but God and God alone. And think about that for a moment. God knows all things(1 John 3:20) and is everywhere(Psalm 139:7-10) and owns the cattle on a thousand hills (Psalm 50:10) and owns the whole Earth and (Psalm 24:1). In addition, he knows the future and knows you better than you know yourself. Why wouldn’t you want him to be the center of your family and the one who makes the decisions that are best for your family? It really is the logical choice.

In verse 3 of Psalm 127, we see that children are a gift from the Lord and in verse 5 we see that we are blessed to have them. Therefore, children cannot ever be a burden or an overwhelming responsibility when they are a beautiful gift sent down from God above. And we know the following:

If children are a gift and a blessing, and they are, and every good thing and perfect gift is from God, then we can see how children no matter how many or how expensive or how trying can never be are never burdens or overwhelming responsibilities. Instead, they are a joy and a blessing in which God has decided in his infinite wisdom to bestow upon you. You may not always be on the same page as God and not understand the timing or how you will be able to afford the children, but that is not for you to worry about because God promises that they are a gift and a blessing and when has a gift ever been something to worry about. In fact, God specifically tells us not to worry about things in his word (Philippians 4:6).

If the Lord is the center of the family and children are a gift, how then is the family to be structured? This is a good question and one that I believe I have an illustration to help with. Imagine a series of concentric circles like a bulls-eye target. This target represents your family. The very center ring, the bulls-eye, is the Lord and the center of everything for everyone. The next ring out is the marriage, or the husband and wife. Remember that these two are as one and are united with the Lord which is why they are closest to him in the family. The next ring out is the children because they are gift given to the husband and wife and meant to be a blessing and a joy. They are not on the same ring as the husband and wife because one day they will grow up and move out and have their own target ring family. In addition, they are in a process of growing and learning and maturing and not able to make the experienced wise choices that a Godly husband and wife can. Therefore, they should be on an outer ring to the marriage circle. The next ring out would include extended family, or relatives, like your parents, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, etc. Remember even though you moved out and got marriage and started your own target ring, you are still connected to your old family and they are still part of your life. They have just moved from nurturing primary care givers to more of a coaching role as your family grows. And you would be wise to utilize their knowledge and experience as counsel. The next ring out would be any close friends you have that are like family to you. This is where the world and God separate in a large way because the world will tell you that it is alright to keep your close and best friends closer to you than your spouse. However, if your spouse is not your best friend you are asking for trouble and issues.

It is important to remember that children are a welcomed gift and blessing that is an addition to the family marriage, but they are never the center and never in the middle of the married couple. If you think of this model as you as think about things within the family like authority, decisions, responsibility, influence, etc, it will help you keep all things in a Godly perspective. For example, looking at the target ring of your family, God has the ultimate authority with your family followed by the married coupled and then the children. Of course, there are microcosm within each like the fact that the husband is the head of the household and the oldest child will have more authority than the youngest, but this gives you the basic model and illustrates the most important point that children are a welcome addition to the family, but not the center nor to interfere with the relationship of the couple. Another example, if a decision is to be made, the first person whom the decision making falls to is the Lord and then the married couple. Here is where the world and the Godly family separate. The world will tell you that children should have an equal partnership in the decisions of the household. This is unwise for many reasons one of which is the simple fact that children do not possess the experience or the maturity to understand the decision that needs to be made. They may select an option based on their favorite color or because there is a McDonald’s next door instead of using wisdom. And this does not even count the fact that children will grow up and become their own family thus leaving their parents meaning they, through no fault or malice intention, do not have a fully vested interested in the completeness of each and every decision that is made. That said, if your children are at least in their teens and are on fire for Jesus Christ there is no harm in hearing their opinions because a wise man listens to all counsel (Proverbs 11:14, Proverbs 24:6), but you are merely gaining their opinion and not using it as a vote towards a decision. The decision is to be made between the Lord, the husband and the wife ONLY. This may sound harsh, but this is what is best for you and your family.

This brings me to another point and that is the subject of “Mommy and Daddy time.” Children are a blessing and a gift and to be enjoyed, but not every minute of every day. If you were to do that, the sacrifice on your marriage would be extreme to the point where one day you might find yourself in a divorce court. You MUST make time for yourself every day if at all possible and if not then at least every other day. It does not have to be much time. At least fifteen minutes of time to sit or lay in bed talking will do. And this is to be uninterrupted time with no kids just the husband and wife sitting or laying and talking with each other and praying with and for one another. This time is invaluable to the relationship and a must if you are to survive in this day and age when there are so many things pulling at your day and your marriage. The children must be made aware that this time is set aside for their parent’s relationship and they are not to interrupt unless there is a dire emergency the likes of the house being on fire. And if they interrupt without an emergency, then punishments MUST be given and followed through to teach them that mommy and daddy need their time and they are serious about it. However, I have found that most children, even young ones seem to have a God given understanding that their parents need to have time to talk. I cannot stress this enough that this time is not meant for physical intimacy, but emotional and mental intimacy where you are talking about your day, sharing your dreams, sharing your desires, talking about your plans for the future both long term and short term. This time will breed and breathe health into your marriage like nothing else short of God himself.

An interesting note, if you have not already noticed, children have radar. If you are about to become physically intimate with your spouse and there is any chance that a child can interrupt, they will. They could all be happy or asleep or even at a friend’s house and then you decide to close your door and lock it and have some quality physical intimacy and their little radar goes off and suddenly they will need you and only you with great urgency. I have seen this over and over and over again. We could have just sat them down with all the snacks they want and a two hour movie and instructed the older children we were going for a “nap” and closed and locked the door. We would just be getting into our moment when the knock would happen. We could have laid in our room for thirty minutes to be sure that the coast was clear, but just moments after starting, that is when the radar goes off and suddenly the desperate pounding and screams at the door come. This is one of the reasons that I mention it is most important for you to separate the mommy and daddy time that you need every day from your physical intimacy, which we may like every day but don’t need. Because I have found I can talk with my wife for hours, but the moment we decide to become intimate, the radar fires off and we have little ones who suddenly want our immediate company.

In fact, there was one time when our oldest was about four years old that we wanted to become intimate. We had made sure the whole house was secure and sat the two of them down with their favorite movie and snacks. We then went to the bedroom which was within hearing distance of the living room (small apartment). The first knock came moments after we entered the room as they asked if they could have an apple. We said yes because our oldest had apples regularly and we thought nothing of it. We waited to see because we were expecting another knock and one did not come. We decided to move forward and just as we were about to really try to get into the moment a furious set of knocks came at the door with the following statement, “Katie is bleeding!” Well that got our attention and of course broke any mood we could have hoped for. So, we threw on clothes and dashed out to the living room. The scene was what looked like a parent’s nightmare in that there seemed to be blood everywhere. In her little hands was a sharp knife which we are still not sure how she got since we had child safety locks. Immediately, my wife went into action as I tried to get out of them what happened. Apparently, after asking for the apple, Katie went and got the apple and the sharp knife and proceeded to try and be “Mommy” and cut the apple. After several failed attempts she finally succeeded in cutting something, herself. It would be several more moments before our other child would come and tell us about it. As I was preparing myself for a hospital visit, my wife was feverishly cleaning our child and trying to find where the blood was coming from. Ironically, she had only one small cut on the tip of one of her fingers that looked like a small paper cut. But boy did it bleed just about everywhere. I am still surprised at the amount of blood that poured out that little cut and perhaps because I was shocked it seemed like more. I am not sure, but it sure was a mess. In this instance, I was glad for the knock, but it does illustrate how kids have radar and will find that moment to get into something that will cause them to be knocking at your door the moment you are trying to be intimate.

In addition to daily time together to talk, you must have a date night at least once every two weeks where just the two of you go out and enjoy time together. It does not have to cost much. It could be a picnic lunch you take to the park. Just time that the two of you are spending together talking, and yes this means that a movie is out unless you are going to dinner as well. You need to be able to talk and enjoy each other’s company. Think back to when you were dating and how much you longed for the next moment you would spend together. You need this time together for the health and happiness of your home. And when this is happening, you will find that your kids are happier and healthier because they respond well adjusted and happy parents.

This brings me to the subject of disciple:

Yes, you read that verse right. He who withholds, or does not discipline, his son/daughter hates his child. The reason is very straightforward. A child is in the process of growing and during that process will test and push at the boundaries and limits that the parents set. This is normal because they are learning that there are some lines that are not to be crossed. They need to know that there are boundaries and that those boundaries are enforced. When this is done, then your children learn what is right and wrong. If they behave wrongly then they should be punished and disciplined to gain knowledge and grow. If they behave rightly then they should be rewarded and praised. When this is done the child learns to behave properly and gains a sense of self worth and importance and will become well adjusted to society and their sets of rules and laws. However, if we as parents do not enforce those boundaries and spare the rod of discipline for whatever reason (typically because it is either too difficult on us or we just love our kids too much to see them momentarily suffering the discipline) then we are not teaching them the foundations that will lead to becoming well adjusted and having a sense of self worth and importance. If children who become adults don’t have those things then they are liable to become deviants of one kind or another and this is what we are seeing in our society today as we are reaping the sowing of decades of telling parents not to discipline their children. Setting boundaries, rules and laws that your kids need to abide by and a set of disciplinary actions that you will enforce if they do not can only lead to them becoming better people. Do not deprive your children of this.

Love must be the override key to everything that you do with your children. There can be no substitute. Remember that God is love (1 John 4:8) and that we are called to love one another (John 13:35) and that includes your children. This should come naturally and should be obvious. But our children know how to push our buttons and say and do just the right things to set us off. This is normal, but we must never let that phase us out of operating in constant love towards them. If there is ever a moment, especially if they have done something wrong, where your temperature is boiling and you know you are about to operate in anger or rage or frustration and not in love. The best thing you can do is send them to their room until you cool down. Because if you do not and you operate in anything other than love, the damage you do to them might not be reversible and in the end it is just not worth it. Take a moment if you need it, they can wait for their punishment.

And that brings me to my last point on this topic and that is that you must be your children’s biggest fan because the world certainly will not be. I can’t tell you how many parents I have listened to who have spoken ill of their children. I realize that your child may never win a noble prize, but that does not mean that at least in your eyes you shouldn’t see them as capable of doing so. Make no mistake, there is very little chance that anyone else will believe in them let alone be part of their fan club which is why you need to be. They need to know that they can count on you for support. In our household, we do not tolerate dishonesty and my children know it. So, when they come home and tell me that there is something wrong, I take it seriously and go to the school and go to bat for them. The reason is that I am their biggest fan. I believe in them unequivocally and know that they are the best. And you know what, my kids rise to that occasion every time. When children see you loving them even in discipline and see you caring for them and believing in them and being their biggest fan and even going to bat for them, they rise above the rest and fulfill all that you are speaking about them. On the flip side, if you are not doing those things and speaking ill of them, they sink to below the rest and fulfill all that you are speaking about them. So, if they are going to fulfill your very words that you speak about them why not speak the very best.

I hope that this gives you some insight into what God desires you to do as a Godly parent to raise Godly children. Next time I will be focusing on some aspects of the wife that every husband needs to know about. It is a post that every couple needs to know.

Love in Christ.

The Marriage Series (so far):

• Part 1 : Marriages – Introduction

• Part 2 : Marriages – Two Shall Become One Flesh

• Part 3 : Marriages – The Role of a Lifetime

• Part 4 : Marriages – The Authority of the Spouse

• Part 5 : Marriages – Hearing Do You Understand

• Part 6 : Marriages – Sex, Wait, That is in the Bible

Continuing in the series on marriage, I want to discuss the topic of sex. Yes, you heard me correctly. I am want to discuss the topic of sex because to begin with it is a gift from God. Trey Morgan, a Pastor in Childress TX, did a great sermon on this topic back on April 8th, 2009, and it would be worth a listen too. I will be borrowing some from his sermon while adding a bunch of my own.

To begin with, as I mentioned, sex is a gift from God that is meant to be shared between two married people only. The way that we know this is the following:

And

As we can see, both fornicators (people who have sex outside of marriage) and adulterers (people who have sex inside of marriage with someone other than their spouse) will be judged by God and not inherit the kingdom of God. That is pretty harsh since in order to get to heaven we need to be able to inherit the kingdom. Therefore, it is obvious that God desired that sex be only for those in marriage. But we can see that for those in marriage, sex, or the marriage bed, should be held in honor and the reason is because it was given as a gift from God.

And

God created Adam and saw that there was no one for him. He then created Eve starting with a rib from Adam. And when he brought Eve to him, Adam was amazed at what he saw and this is when he said called her woman or as I like to think he called her Whoa-Man. Taking this into full account, we can see that when God created them, he told them to be fruitful and multiply. To put that in today’s terms, God told Adam and Eve to have sex, because it was a gift from God, and have children. When God created them, it was a natural and good act for them to enjoy with each other as a gift from God that would also fulfill the command to multiply. It is important to note that back in the Garden it was not something that was dirty or nasty or hidden. It was only after the fall when they needed clothing and sin had entered mankind that sex began to become something more than a precious gift from God.

We need to understand that before the fall of mankind, Adam and Eve were walking in the Garden naked and sex and multiplying were not something to be ashamed of because they were not ashamed at all. In fact, they were freely moving in God’s gift that he had bestowed on them and enjoying each other as a married couple should. Only after sin entered mankind and they became ashamed of their nakedness and they were expelled from the Garden did the natural act of sex become something a bit more. And from that moment until now, the enemy has done a great job twisting the concept of what God designed to be shared between a husband and wife. In fact, there is really nothing new under the sun.

People think that widespread homosexuality, fornication and adultery are new, but it is not. In fact, King David of Israel had issues dealing with adultery, for example. And I am not just talking about the fact that he had concubines, but the problem he had with Bathsheba. David had seen her one night bathing and he lusted after her (2 Samuel 11:1-2). This was his first problem, but it did not stop there. He then called her and had sex with her because he was the king, but it didn’t stop there because she got pregnant. Did David do the right thing? No, he called her husband to come back from war to sleep with his wife, but he would not. So, David sent him back out and told his commander to put him in the front line so that he would die (2 Samuel 11:15). In other words, David committed adultery and caused Bathsheba to do the same and then became an accessory to the murder of her husband and eventually took her as another wife (2 Samuel 11:27). And all of this was for sex, perverted sex because of the fact that sin entered mankind back in the Garden.

That is the bad side, and just the beginning of the bad side, but this is a study on marriages and how sex is a gift and a joy for those who are married. One of the places in the Bible that you can really see this concept of sex and enjoying your spouse is in the book of Song of Solomon. This book is filled with the conversations between The Lover (Solomon), The Beloved (Solomon’s wife) and The Beloved’s Friend and the words between The Lover and The Beloved can get quite spicey. I will let you be the judge.

And

And

As I said, spicey stuff, but that is because this is part of a conversation between a husband and wife and they are talking about the fact that they are in love and enjoy each other and the gift of sex that God has given us. In fact, this book mentions several times to not arouse the lover until the wife is ready to be pleasing.

As you can see, the Beloved, or the wife, is telling her friends not to arouse or awaken her love until she is ready to be pleasing to him. Now, you can take this several ways, but with all the seeming references to sex and enjoying one another in this book, I believe that the Beloved is saying not to arouse her husband until she is ready to be pleasing in intimate sexual relations. How is that for Scripture? God has a place where he is demonstrating for us the concepts of a good and solid marriage where the two are so in love and enamored with each other that they spend their time pleasing each other with both words and physical contact. This is why I say that sex is a gift from God both for our enjoyment and for the fulfilling of multiplying and filling the earth.

God tells us to be enraptured, captivated, intoxicated, and fully encapsulated by the love of the wife of our youth. The reason he states it that way is because God, in his infinite wisdom, knew we would be a depraved race and seek divorce and remarry. But he desires that we be enraptured by the wife of our youth; our first wife that God joined us to and mixed us into one can of paint with. Just look at the verses above and think about what God is calling us to do and empowering us to be. As a husband, I see the above verse and know that if I allow God to be God in my life he will always empower me to see my wife in new and exciting ways that will keep me wanting to come back for more. And speaking from experience and eighteen years of marriage, I can say that God has continued to do just that.

In fact, given this verse, I can see how my wife should be the standard of beauty in my life. She should be the standard by which all others are measured and all others fall short against. My wife should be the single most beautiful woman on the planet to me because God is enrapturing me to her and drawing me to her body and blessing me like a fountain because of it. When I see other woman around town or on television, I should see all of them as less than my wife because my wife sets the standard by which all other woman must be measured and she sets the bar high because God has empowered her to satisfy me at all times with a holy connection that began when he mixed us into one can of gray paint. And so far, I have yet to find a woman (not that I am looking) that comes even close to measuring up to my wife and I know now that by God there will never be one, and that is the way it should be.

I hope that this has helped you get a better insight into a topic that is admittedly tough to talk about because there is so much perversion and misunderstanding both inside and outside of the church on this topic. Next post, I will discuss how children fit into the perfect picture of your marriage. Stay tuned.

Love in Christ.

The Marriage Series (so far):

• Part 1 : Marriages – Introduction

• Part 2 : Marriages – Two Shall Become One Flesh

• Part 3 : Marriages – The Role of a Lifetime

• Part 4 : Marriages – The Authority of the Spouse

• Part 5 : Marriages – Hearing Do You Understand

Continuing in the series on marriage, I want to discuss the single most basic and foundational stone to any marriage and that is the subject of communication. Many marriages have been lost over the misunderstanding and misconceptions that if they had learned the art of true communication they could have been saved. In fact, the concept of speaking and hearing and not being understood is such a big topic that even Jesus mentioned it concerning his parables.

Of course, in this case, Jesus was intentionally speaking in parables that he knew they would be able to later understand with the power and gift of the Holy Spirit and in a marriage the misunderstandings are not so intentional. However, this does drive home just how widespread this problem is and how easily we all fall trap to it. It also illustrates the underlying need of every marriage to have God and the Holy Spirit deeply involved that can help to clear up and avoid many misunderstandings and open each spouses ears and heart to the other.

Late 1993, my wife and I were trying to have a baby. My wife had a condition that made getting pregnant basically impossible and we were told not to expect anything. We were even told that with this condition we could not have children at all, but our doctor decided to put us on drugs and charting and being intimate with each other to see if perhaps God had a different plan. Late December, we were in the office for a checkup following months of my wife not ovulating, which means not even a chance for pregnancy to even occur. The doctor walked into the room as we were waiting and said, “Well, it is a maybe.” I was excited that maybe, just maybe my wife finally ovulated because once we could get her to do that we were just a few steps away from possibly being pregnant. So, I asked him what the next step was and he informed us that we needed to get a blood test done. At this point, being frustrated and frazzled over all the charting and trying, I said, “If we could tell by blood test then why were doing all those temperature charts?” The doctor looked at me like I was from mars and asked, “What are you talking about?” I said, “About the fact you think my wife ovulated.” He responded, “I think she might be pregnant!” You could have pushed me over with a feather due to the shock of that statement and the overwhelming joy that was flooding me with possibility. As God would have it, this would be the first of four times my wife would be pregnant and we would only lose one of them which we will meet one day in heaven as he or she is waiting there with Jesus for us.

This example illustrates just how a miscommunication can take place. The doctor thought we were on the same page with him, but after months of charting and trying we, or at least I, was not and it caused a misunderstanding. Fortunately in this case, this misunderstanding was cleared up in a matter of moments. Most misunderstands last much longer to even months and years and for some a lifetime and the really sad part is that it is all a work of the enemy to destroy relationships.

True communication is absolutely needed for any marriage that desires to survive in this world. But for true communication to work it must have several components. Those components are honesty, trust, belief and friendship.

Without honesty in a marriage, there will never ever be freedom in your marriage. To put it another way, your marriage will always be in bondage to the lies and secrets that are kept when honesty and truth are not the bases of your communication and where does lying come from? It comes from the father of lies the devil (John 8:44). Remember that the devil comes only to steal, kill and destroy (John 10:10) and every secret from stealing a cookie from the cookie jar to an affair will steal from your marriage, kill part of your marriage and destroy part of your marriage and keep you in bondage to the enemy until he succeeds in completely destroying it. And make no mistake; the enemy is not out for your interests. If you have a secret, he will find the most inopportune time and the most inopportune way to reveal it and cause the most damage and destruction to your marriage. Just look around at some of the people who have had their marriages destroyed around you because of secrets and see what I mean. Honesty has to be the basis for all communication and the truth must be known between the spouses. There should be nothing that is unknown by your spouse about you. There should be nothing your spouse does not have access to; no email, instant message, cell phone, or any other account or anything that you spouse does not have full access to. It is the only way that you will ensure not only the best in honest communication but keep the temptations of the enemy away from trying to destroy your marriage.

Once honesty and truth have been established in your communication with your spouse, trust should follow because it is a natural extension of honest communication. For example, if your spouse is always honest with you and your marriage is thriving and doing well and they go out to the store and take three hours then you should trust them that they are not doing something they should not be and not give them the third degree when they walk in the door. Yes, there is a point if they are gone long that concern for their safety might come in and you might wonder if the car broke down, but don’t let that be an excuse to grill your spouse about where they were because you really didn’t trust them. Trust has to become a basis in your communication and it only flows from honesty and truth.

If your communication is filled with honesty, truth and trust the next step is belief. You would be surprised how many couples do not believe in their spouses. They do not see them as all that God sees them as and many times only sees their failures and faults instead of their gifts and anointings. I can remember back when I finished Community College and was looking where to go next. If I returned to the local four year college, because of past mistakes, I would take my high honors grade point average and drop it almost to failing. I only saw that college as an option and was getting depressed. My wife saw me as much more and much more than I saw myself. She said to me, “If you are going to do this and we are going to pay for it, then why don’t you go for something you want even if we have to move.” I expressed that I was not sure if I could do it and my wife told me that she believed in me. I can’t tell you how much that lifted my spirits and my head and drove me to look for the college that God wanted me at. The one I would eventually graduate from with Highest Honors. And all of that was because my wife saw God’s giftings and anointings in me and not what I saw in me or even what I was saying. She believed in me even when I did not and she lifted me up and raised me, along with God, to where God wanted me to be, and none of that would have happened if she did not believe in me. This is why the Bible says that love believes all things in one another and this is one thing that our world desperately needs. We need belief in one another again and the place we need it most is in our marriages. What better place to begin to see people for what God has created them to be than in the one place where God has mixed two together into one flesh. But believe it or not it is easy to believe in someone when they are open, honest, truthful and trusting in their communication with you because God will open them up like a book to you and you will not only see what they tell you but as God has mixed you into one flesh that openness will open the connection in the spirit and you will see what God has giving them. And when you can see what God has placed within them, it becomes very easy to believe in them.

If you are being open, honest, truthful and believing in your communication then your spouse will become your best friend and this is the desire of God. Because your best and closest friend shares your deepest thoughts and secrets and desires and dreams and no one on this planet should take that place besides your spouse. Our world tells us that marriage is disposable so we best keep things to ourselves and our best friends are closer to us than our spouses, but that is nothing further from God’s design on marriage and the design that provides and had a proven track record for providing long lasting relationships. My wife is probably the absolute best at this. From the very beginning, and almost our first date, she laid out everything I would need to know about her past and then basically said if this is a problem then there is no need to continue. From that day to this, with the minor exception of a short period during our seventh year of marriage, she has kept that same motto and always been open, honest, truthful, and my best friend. And I can tell you from experience that when this happens, it makes you desire to be together. We have been together for 18 years and I still can’t wait to get home to her from work because she is my best friend in the whole world. Your spouse spends a lot of time with you, or at least they should. Being your best friend should be only a natural extension of everything else that is happening in your life including the fact that God has joined you into one flesh.

No matter where you are with communication in your marriage, it is never too late. If you have secrets don’t let the enemy trick you into thinking you have to keep them. God tells us in his word that every secret thing WILL become known whether by the enemy’s plans or by God’s. The truth is that your secret will become known. The real travesty is that whatever it is that you are keeping from your spouse is slowly stealing, killing and destroying your marriage until one day you will wake up and find that your spouse has left or the enemy is convincing you that there is no point in continuing and all because of a secret. Revealing the secret may be painful. It was not easy in my marriage to reveal the affair and it took a long time to heal and reconcile from that secret. But once the secret was out, the enemy had no more power over us. Many times one secret will wind up leading to another and to another and before you know it you are in way over your head. Sin, and a secret is a sin, will always take you farther than you want to go. Start your true communication and begin with the truth and honesty. It may hurt and you may be surprised at the secrets your spouse has, but hold fast to God and trust in him to help you heal and reconcile because I know firsthand that God can walk you through anything to the healing on the other side. And if your communication is doing great, praise God and look for people to help. I have found that God will always draw people in need to those who have learned his truths from the Word so that they can teach and reach and help others to heal.

I hope that today’s topic has helped you in some way. The next post I will be talking about the one subject that seems to make the most people gasp and squirm in church and that topic is sex. Stay tuned and see what God has to say on the subject.

Love in Christ.

The Marriage Series (so far):

• Part 1 : Marriages – Introduction

• Part 2 : Marriages – Two Shall Become One Flesh

• Part 3 : Marriages – The Role of a Lifetime

• Part 4 : Marriages – The Authority of the Spouse

Continuing in the series on marriage, I want to discuss an area that is probably the single most important area that the devil does not want you to know because once you know this and once you understand this there no stopping you as a combined force for God. And the devil is fully aware of this which is why he has done everything he can to prevent us from knowing what I am about to share. So get ready to learn something that will not only strengthen your marriage, but will allow you to give the devil a black eye and send him packing back to hell.

To begin with, you have to understand the concept of the two becoming one flesh and the illustration that I shared a couple of posts ago regarding the two cans of paint (black and white) becoming one (God mixing them into gray). This illustration will play an important part in understanding what I am about to share.

Let us start out with a Scripture.

This verse is most often used in counseling when one spouse is withholding sex from the other in order to control the marriage and this is a very applicable way to use this verse. However, God enlightened me to a greater depth of this verse one day when I was praying for a couple in desperate need. What God did was begin to ask me a series of questions and they were as follows. First God said, “When I join two people are they not one?” And of course, I answered yes. Then he said, “And if they are one, then this verse is a natural extension of being one flesh correct?” And again I said yes. And then God hit me with the one that really opened my eyes, “Then if you can pray and resist the devil in your flesh and you are one flesh with your spouse and have authority over your spouse’s flesh can you not pray and resist the enemy for your spouse?” And that is when I hit my knees because I realized that I was not doing that for my wife. I was not taking authority over her body and spirit and commanding the enemy leave her as I should because as her spouse and mixed into one flesh, one can of gray paint, I have the same ability and authority to pray over her that I do over my own life. In other words, I, just like I can pray for deliverance, healing, restoration, wisdom and even salvation in my own flesh and spirit, can pray the same things over my wife. This is why the Bible says the following:

The reason that this is possible goes back to the concept of one flesh and the illustration of the one can of gray paint. Remember that God, when he joins two people together, does not just knit them or mesh them, but mixes them like white and black paint until there is only one can of gray paint. Because of this, there is only one spirit and therefore when one spouse prays, they pray over the whole can with the same authority that they had to pray over the individual black or white cans before they were married.

Think about this. As a husband, I have the God given right, and the expectation, to pray over my wife and rebuke the enemy and his plans and schemes. In fact, Jesus told us the following:

We have authority to bind up the enemy on earth and Jesus will bind him in heaven for us. That means that if we see something in our spouse that the enemy is doing to tear them down, we can pray with authority, God given authority, over them to bind the enemy off of them and send him back to hell where God sent him to begin with. And we have the confidence that Jesus will bind him in the heavens and remove him from the situation. Therefore, if our spouse is dealing with drugs, alcohol, smoking, affair, work situation, money issues, or anything else that the enemy is throwing at them, we can pray with the power and authority that God has given us as we have been mixed into the one can of paint and bind the enemy and his plans off of our spouse and see the devil have to flee.

While that is totally awesome, the really cool part comes when the husband and wife are in agreement about something they are praying for because the rest of the verses quoted above guarantee that whatever we ask for as two united in prayer and agree on Jesus will give us. Think about that the next time the enemy tells you that praying with your spouse is not necessary or unimportant because he knows all too well that if he can keep the two of you praying then he can keep the power from flowing. Yes, you will still be able to pray him off of your spouse, but that is not near as devastating to him as a holy ghost filled bible believing song singing Jesus loving devil chasing couple uniting in praying to agree about God’s will. That absolutely terrifies him and he does everything to stop that.

God wants everyone who is married to know that they have great power and authority to pray for their spouse that God has given them. It is the same power and the same authority they would have over their own body and spirit that God extends to their spouse when he mixes the two of them into one flesh, one can of gray paint, at the wedding ceremony. From that point on, there is no power in hell and no weapon that can be formed against (Isaiah 54:17) either spouse that the other does not have the authority to pray off in Jesus name. And when the enemy has been defeated and the couple has been restored and reconciled to the fullness of God’s plan for their lives, then God calls them into his service to pray as a united couple where he will grant them whatever they agree on because it advances God’s will on this planet and terrifies the devil. Don’t waste one more moment not praying for your spouse with power and authority. If they have fallen into any type of trap of the enemy take charge and authority and command the devil to flee in Jesus name (James 4:7) and remember when you pray that you are one flesh and that when you submit to God it is the same as if you both submit and the devil must go.

And if you happen to be separated and even if your spouse has found a new lover, as long as a divorce has not been granted you still have that authority because you are still that one can of gray paint. You can pray the devil off of your spouse and pray that the blinders that the enemy has placed on their eyes be removed and that God shows them the truth of how much they truly love you and how much God has them connected back to you. Then when the enemy is not in the picture and God is reigning in the situation, it becomes a whole lot easier for them to see the truth. It is still possible for them to choose to call the devil back and reenter into sin, but at least you are doing your part. And always remember that no matter what it looks like in the natural prayer Moves Mountains and do not give up hope.

I hope this invigorates you to pray with new found power and authority for your spouse and take back what the enemy is trying to steal from all of us. Next time, I will share about communication and how important it is to a marriage.

Love in Christ.

The Marriage Series (so far):

• Part 1 : Marriages – Introduction

• Part 2 : Marriages – Two Shall Become One Flesh

• Part 3 : Marriages – The Role of a Lifetime

Continuing in the series on marriage, I want to talk about probably the most misunderstood and abused area of Scripture and that is the concept of the roles of each spouse within the marriage. This particular topic has caused more strife than just about any other single topic with the exception of money in a Christian marriage and the simple reason is because of not understanding what God meant and the enemy being quick to twist, lie and deceive. So, I am going to help to set the record straight on exactly what is expected of each and every role so that your marriage can operate within the will and blessings of God.

To begin with, let us look at the Scriptures that talk about the roles of the husband and the wife.

You will notice that I started quoting from verse 21 which states that we are to be subject to one another in the fear or reverence of Jesus Christ. I did that on purpose because it is very important to realize that the word subject, which also means to serve and to yield to one’s authority, is not a bad word but a good word and a word that can and does contain blessings. When we subject and submit to God and yield to his authority, we are blessed. It is not a bad thing and God does not lord it over us. This is important because God and Jesus is our model.

That brings me to the husband, which I am. God tells the husband to love his wife as Christ loved the church and also to love them as he loves himself. This is very important because with Jesus as our model and the head of the church, we should look to him to see how we are to love our wives. Jesus loved the church by serving the church. The perfect picture of this is when he washed the disciples feet at the last supper. They saw him as lord and didn’t understand what he was doing. Take a look:

Notice how Jesus washed their feet and then asked them if they understood what he was doing. He did this because they knew him as lord and master and having total authority over them. Whatever he would have asked of them, they would have done and did do after Pentecost when they each served him with their lives. But he tells them here that as he washed their feet, as he served them, that they should do the same and serve others. In other words, Jesus was telling them that the most important role of their lord and head of the church was to serve the church and not act as some high and mighty king even though that is what he deserved. And then he told them to do the same because a servant is not greater than his master and the one who is sent is not greater than the one who sent him. He also said that if you do this, that is to serve the church, you will be blessed.

This is the example of how Jesus was head of the church and how Jesus served the church. When God tells the husband to love his wife like Jesus loved the church, he is telling husbands to be a servant to his wife and see to her needs. He is telling the husband to provide for her and to make sure that he has never lorded over her his position as Jesus never lorded over anyone who he was. God even goes further to say that husbands should love their wives as they love their own self because people have a great love for themselves even if they don’t admit it. This is why, as the Bible points out, people eat and nourish and even cherish their own self and God says the husband should love his wife in the same way.

With this in mind and it is important to have this in mind, God tells the wife to be subject or submitting or serving to their husband. There is basically two things that God has as instruction for the wife that is rolled up in the concept of subjecting. The first is the same as the husband in that they are to serve the husband. The reason is because Jesus is their role model as well and they are called to serve just like the husband is. The main difference between a husband and a wife is that the wife is also called to yield to the husband’s authority. This one goes all the way back to the Garden of Eden and the fall of man when God told Eve, and all woman, that their husbands would rule over them.

In the Garden, God was the only head and there was no further need for a line of command, so to speak, because God came and walked with them in the cool of the day (Genesis 3:8). After the fall, God no longer walked that closely with mankind and we needed to have more structure because a two headed anything is a freak. So, God transferred his headship over everything to Jesus and then down to the husband over the family. This is why the wife is called to be subject or yielding to the husband’s authority. However, if the husband is acting like Jesus, as God called him to be, then this will not be a problem. Think about this for a moment. If the husband is loving on his wife and serving his wife in every aspect of their marriage would it not inspire the wife to want to serve the husband back? I believe so. And when it is time for a decision to be made, the husband, if he is wise, will seek the good counsel of his wife and they should talk about it. The difference will come in the end when God will hold the husband accountable for the decisions that are made.

My wife and I had a bit of a time learning this. I had read that the wife had to submit and I wanted her to submit by golly and she was not. The reason was because I was not serving her and loving her. I was lording over her what I thought was my God given right and I was very much in the wrong. So, my wife called our spiritual father, Tom, over to help explain what the truth was. I can remember what Tom said. I told him that the Bible says that my wife is to submit and she better submit. He told me that maybe I should read a little farther. When I did, he explained what God had in mind. Well, I did get the idea, but one fight some time later had us really mixing it up with words and I turned to her and said, “You are supposed to submit.” My wife is a quick as a whip and sharper than a sword and replied to me without hesitating, “Well, God says you are supposed to love me like Christ loved the church and Jesus died for the church so drop dead.” Well, that just got me laughing and totally broke our mood and we were eventually able to talk out our argument. But I can still remember her telling me that. Thank God for good wives.

Now, the most important thing to learn is that both spouses are to serve one another just like Jesus served the disciples and if you do that and do it with cheer and sincerity then there will be a great mutual love that will naturally flow between you that will be an outpouring of what God writes on your heart. Yes, the husband is the head of the household and God will hold him responsible for all decisions of the home. But any good leader will always take advantage of all good counsel available and what better counsel than that of his loving wife who as the Bible says is a crown (Proverbs 12:4) and a good thing (Proverbs 18:22). This is why good solid communications is the key to any good marriage. And when you are in this balance that God has defined then God richly blesses you.

I hope that this has helped to clear up what has been a stumbling block for many. Next time we will discuss the authority of the spouse to pray. Probably one of the most important topics of the series. So stay tuned.

Love in Christ.

The Marriage Series (so far):

• Part 1 : Marriages – Introduction

• Part 2 : Marriages – Two Shall Become One Flesh

Continuing in the series on marriage, I want to talk about a much misunderstood topic from the Bible concerning the concept of marriage. And that topic is the notion of “One Flesh,” or more precisely, what is meant when God says that he takes two people and makes one out of them when they are married. This comes from the following scripture.

And then Jesus added to this when questioned on the subject of divorce.

We can see from these passages that God takes marriage very serious. So much to the point that God says that when he marries someone he joins them together so that they are one flesh and not two and therefore he warns let no one separate what he has put together. What does he mean when he says this? I heard a preacher once state that when God puts us together he knits us together like a giant afghan in that he takes a blue thread and a red thread and intertwines the two together to make one beautiful garment. While that is a beautiful picture, I find a fault in this picture in that you can unravel the object that was knit together and have two separate pieces of yarn again. Anyone who has been through a divorce, especially if children are involved, will tell you that unraveling the marriage and becoming totally separated and two complete individuals again is impossible because there is some kind of connection that exists between the two who were married. Often this connection is attributed to the existence of children that were in the marriage. But I think there is something deeper there.

I asked God once what he meant when he said that he joined to people together into one flesh and he gave me an illustration that I believe answers the problem above and shows why God is so strongly against divorce. He showed me two buckets of paint. One bucket was of white paint and the second one was of black paint. Then I saw the two buckets being mixed together into a new bucket of paint that was gray. God said, “This is what I mean when I join two into one flesh.” You see when you mix black and white and get gray you get a single (one) new creation out of what previous (two) existed. There is no longer white or black, only gray. When two people get married, God mixes their spirits into one gray can of paint so that spiritually they are one person because God has joined them together. Now, the problem that occurs when one wants to get a divorce is that you can no longer get black out of gray because it has been fully mixed into becoming a new thing which is gray. Likewise you can not take out white out of the gray anymore. Therefore, when a divorce occurs, half of the can of paint leaves and not just the black, but a mix of the black and the white. This is why Jesus warned the following:

If we were separate strands of threads that could easily be pulled apart out of a garment then separating, divorcing and marrying another should not in any way be adultery. However, if we are joined into one gray can of paint so that it is impossible to pull out black or white and then divorce, which means take half of the can of gray paint and leave, then we are taking part of our spouse with us because you can not separate the colors out of the gray. If that be true, then if we try to remarry, we are still joined spiritually to our former wife and thus would be committing adultery in God’s eyes who sees both the spiritual and the physical. This, I believe, is the perfect picture of what God does when he marries to people and joins them together and why God warns not to divorce and why God sees remarriage as adultery.

What then are we to do in this society if we run into trouble within our marriage? To begin with, you need to seek good counsel. Be weary of any who would advise that you leave your marriage with the exception of abuse because God does not desire that you suffer any abuse. Pray that God would help your situation and heal your marriage. Seek the Lord, because he is the one that can heal anything that has gone wrong. It does not matter how far gone or lost you feel your marriage has become, it can be saved. Allow me to share about my marriage.

The year was 1998 and we had been married for seven years at the time. I was going to college and my wife was working hard at night at UPS loading trucks because only UPS offered benefits at part time hours. Our days were long and the same. I would get up and be at college by 7am. My wife would get up with our two daughters (at the time that was all we had, we are now blessed with three children) and watch them until about 4pm when she took them to the babysitters. I would leave school about 6pm and pick the girls up from the babysitters and bring them home. I would watch them until 8pm and which point they would go to bed. A quick straighten of the house and then I was doing homework until the late hours of the night. My wife would arrive home some time after midnight. Sunday was spent doing church all day with a break for lunch and Saturday we spend running errands that could be run and fighting because of tension over money mostly. Stress was high and money was tight and there was only so much of everything to go around and we lived like this for literally months. Finally, my wife was pregnant for a child we lost and as we lost the child our Christian doctor told us to go home and confess to each other. What a word from a doctor. Well that confession session both nearly destroyed and eventually saved our marriage because our marriage had been rocked by an affair and it was eating at the heart of everything but as a hidden underbelly just the way the enemy likes it. When this confession came out, well, it seemed like all hell broke loose in our marriage. My wife had begun packing and said she was going to her mom’s and wanted a divorce. I told her no, but I honestly was not sure I wanted her to stay. In the coming weeks, things got so bad that the original elders who were helping us told us that there was no way to reconcile and get a divorce. Imagine for a moment that the church elders you went to for help were telling you that there was no hope and to give up. We went to the Pastor and told him where we were and he recommended another couple in our church. While leery, we went. By this time, I had my speech down as to why I hated my wife and everyone else should too, it is amazing she stayed through that. Gary and Gina sat us down and asked us what was going on. I got maybe a sentence or two into my speech when Gary interrupted me and asked, “How is your walk with Christ?” Before I even knew what I was saying the following words came out of my mouth, “What does that have to do with anything?” And that was the heart of the problem. From there, they were able to bring us back to Christianity 101 and then build us up from ground and a solid foundation and now our marriage is stronger than we ever thought it could be.

I share this testimony to let you know that no matter what you may be facing and however dark and bleak it may seem God can heal your marriage if you let him. In our situation, we were hurting and the hurt began long before the affair and because of that we suffered, we both suffered because remember we are one can of gray paint and if communication is not working than instead of God’s design working where when one is down the other can lift them up, you wind up bringing the other down. But God healed all of that. We were right there perhaps moments from filing papers and God brought us back and he can bring you back also. He can heal you and restore the joy to your can of paint again. He can restore hope back into your marriage and your life because God is love and love hopes. Love bears all, love believes all, love endures all, love hopes all and love never ever fails (1 Corinthians 13:7-8). Focus on God and his love will fill you and your marriage and restore hope again and he will heal what was broken because God loves to heal the broken hearted.

I hope this illustration about how God joins two together has helped you. Next post we will discuss the roles of each spouse and how they are to interact together in a Godly marriage. There is a lot of misconception in this area and everyone needs to know the truth. So stay tuned.

Love in Christ

The Marriage Series (so far):

• Part 1 : Marriages – Introduction

There has been great confusion sown into our world about what happens when two people are married because our enemy, the devil and the father of lies (John 8:44), has done everything possible to sow that confusion. This is because he knows just how powerful a married couple on fire for God can be. This is why ever since the Garden of Eden he has sought to destroy not only God’s creation but the institution of marriage. With this in mind, I thought I would share over the next several posts some concepts on marriage and what it means from a Biblical perspective.

To begin with, God created the concept of marriage all the way back in the Garden of Eden when after creating Adam he looked at him and said, “there was not found a helper suitable for him.” (Genesis 2:20) God decided at that moment to create Eve and presented her to Adam and he was overjoyed. It was at this moment that God said, “For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.” (Genesis 2:24) From that moment to now, men and women have been doing just that leaving their parents and entering into the sacred bonds of holy matrimony and if the story ended there all would be right with the world and with the marriages that people were entering into. But that is not where the story ended.

Satan, who had been expelled from heaven because he rebelled against God, entered the garden and deceived the happy couple by first convincing Eve to eat of the forbidden fruit and then she convinced Adam.

Now, I know that the above passage says that Adam was with her and I am sure that he was, but later when God rebukes them for having eaten of the fruit. He said the following:

As you can see, God clearly says to Adam that his mistake was that he listened to his wife. In addition men, thanks to Adam we have to work hard for our wages. Apparently, from what we read in the text, the ground was not cursed and it did not take toiling to bring forth what was needed to survive. However, after the fall of man, God punished men by cursing the ground so that we have work hard and toil all day long and all the days of our lives to receive our sustenance and our wages.

Another interesting note is that as punishment to women, for Eve’s mistake, God says that your husband will rule over you. By this, God meant that the husband would be the one that God would set in charge or as head of the household and expect that to be so and if it was not so then God would declare that house out of order and not be able to bless it. And all of this was because of Eve’s mistake in being deceived and brought that punishment upon all women. So all the women who have desired to be the head of household have Eve to blame for the fact that God will not allow it.

But as you can see, the devil was quick to come in and make a wreck of what God created. After his little visit to the garden, the ground was cursed, men have to work hard, women have great pain in childbirth, the husband has to be the head of the household and responsible for providing before God even if the “modern” woman does not see it that way and we were permanently expelled from God’s garden as a race. And don’t think for one moment that Adam and Eve didn’t have a fight about that somewhere down the line. Just think about that for one moment. Eve made a mistake and then Adam followed suit. Neither were in the right and both were equally wrong, but when God came back to find them what was the first thing Adam did? Did he own up to his mistake? Did he do the chivalrous thing and protect his wife? No, instead he said the following, “The woman whom You gave to be with me, she gave me from the tree, and I ate.” (Genesis 3:12) Adam immediately ratted her out and tried to toss her under the proverbial bus in the hopes that would somehow lessen his punishment just like a little child caught with his hand in the cookie jar would do. And I am sure that came up at some point after they left the garden.

Humanity expelled and the marriage of the first human couple strained and you might think that was enough to make the devil happy, but no. He kept at it and we read his further exploits throughout the Bible. We see King David, who was already married, take another man’s wife in his bed and manages to get her pregnant. Instead of coming clean and telling the truth, he has the man, who was one of his best soldiers, sent to the front lines so that he would die. Talk about a slam dunk for the devil.

And he continues his attacks on marriages even today. Our divorce rate is the highest ever and it is just as bad inside the church as it is outside the church. There is no excuse for that because we are supposed to the city set on a hill for all to see. But if the city is a garbage dump and a rumble heap, who would want to come and find out why we are what we are? This is the plan of the enemy. If he can take down God’s basic unit, the married couple that he first instituted in the garden, than he takes out happy parents and destroys children and makes a mess of lives left and right. And God’s heart breaks.

God designed marriage for a specific purpose and that was so that two can became one could strengthen each other and support each other and lift each other up to new and greater heights until the one couple was so strong and so secure and so solid in Christ that they could take on the world for him. Following out of that couple would then be the blessing of children whom God would set of fire with a passion and thirst for him that will ignite the world in a blaze of glory to God and set the captives free. God desires to bless the couple beyond belief as they keep their focus on him. This is God’s will and plan for marriages.

If your marriage is experiencing trouble don’t give up don’t let go. Hang in there and pray and see how God will move to empower your marriage with strength from on high. I know that the easy way out is to walk away, but after 18 years of marriage I can tell you that there is a whole lot more joy waiting for you if you work it out than there is if you walk out on it.

Coming up on the next post, I am going to go in depth on the topic of two becoming one. What did God mean when he said that he joins together people in marriage. Stay tuned because I really believe that this series is going to impact and touch people and help to raise up a set of marriages that the enemy can not touch and God can empower.

Love in Christ.

This is another moving video from Tangle that contain the elements of Easter. Have a watch and be touched.

This is a great video about what Good Friday is about on Tangle which used to be GodTube before they rebranded it.