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For some reason, the latest post in the Marriage Study on the topic of “Marriages – Woman Radiate Adoration and Respect” did not get emailed correctly. I am not sure what happened, but if you have been following the series and wish to read the next post, you can read it by clicking here. Sorry for the confusion.
Love in Christ.
The Marriage Series (so far):
Continuing in the series on marriage, I want to focus on the wives for a moment and give them some tips on dealing with their husbands that will go a long way to making their marriages survive the test of time, trials, tribulations and whatever other storms and good times that you might face. And in order to help you out, I am going to break the secret man code to do it. So, sit down and get ready for something that you might not ever have heard before, but something that you will absolutely need.
10 “My beloved is dazzling and ruddy, Outstanding among ten thousand.
11 “His head is like gold, pure gold; His locks are like clusters of dates And black as a raven.
12 “His eyes are like doves Beside streams of water, Bathed in milk, And reposed in their setting.
13 “His cheeks are like a bed of balsam, Banks of sweet-scented herbs; His lips are lilies Dripping with liquid myrrh.
14 “His hands are rods of gold Set with beryl; His abdomen is carved ivory Inlaid with sapphires.
15 “His legs are pillars of alabaster Set on pedestals of pure gold; His appearance is like Lebanon Choice as the cedars.
16 “His mouth is full of sweetness And he is wholly desirable. This is my beloved and this is my friend, O daughters of Jerusalem.”
- Song of Solomon 5:10-16
I saw a post on a blog (Red Hot Momma’s Blog) not too long ago that was from a woman who had spoken with her husband and they were discussing the reasons that men cheat. The main reason they put forth was sex and I disagreed. That is not that I doubt that sex occurs, because I know that it does. But that sex is not typically the first thing that happens. What I mean by that is the husband does not happen to see a woman at work or the mall or church (and yes affairs happen at church) or wherever and immediately begins having sex with this person. Sex is more a byproduct of a relation that has developed over time. Sure there is the occasional exception, but sex is not the rule to why men cheat.
So, then why do men cheat? That is a good question and the answer comes down to a deep need that all men have that they typically do not talk about because it is part of the secret man code. And this deep need is the need for adoration, or the need for their wife to be their biggest fan and believe in them when no one else, perhaps even themselves, believes in them. Yes, us strong, big, powerful, macho men need our wives to believe in us and be our best friend and our biggest fan and shower us with adoration just like what was quoted above in the passage from the bride to her husband, King Solomon. We need our wives to see us as God fearing world changers whether we look like it or not or else our ability to sink to the furthest depths possible will happen. And when this occurs, the enemy knows that we are ripe for the picking and sends to the man in jeopardy a silver tongued sweet talking “other woman” into his life. She is not as beautiful as our wife because no one on earth can be (see the post on Marriages – Sex, Wait, That is in the Bible) and she is potentially not as smart, but she has one thing on her side and that is the enemy is making sure she is saying just what the man in jeopardy needs to hear at the moment he needs to hear it. Sure, he should be speaking to his wife, but at this point, he has felt a disconnection with her because she no longer believes in him and no longer adores him and he longs for the times when they were dating and she could not wait to see him again and be held by him again. But these times, he fears are long gone. So, he speaks with the other woman and soon he is sharing with her the things he should be sharing with his wife. Then a dangerous thing happens, he allows the relationship with his wife to turn upside down. What do I mean by that? I mean that instead of his wife being his best friend and confidant and one to turn to in time of need, he turns to the other woman and the wife becomes almost the enemy because the guilt and shame the Holy Spirit cause him to feel when he is around her is so strong that he either shuts down, lashes out or escapes the situation by avoiding her altogether or leaving. It is at this point, when the emotional connection between husband and wife has been severed that sex will enter the affair relationship severing the physical connection between the husband and the wife because the husband has now connected and joined with another woman. It is important to note that sex is not the reason that men, or at least most men cheat, but is a result of bigger problems within the marriage that existed long before the husband entered into intimacy with the other woman.
10 An excellent wife, who can find? For her worth is far above jewels.
- Proverbs 31:10
The sad thing about affairs and husbands who stray (and wives who stray) is that if the husband had spoken with the wife about this need, the wife would have been more than happen to supply it. The Bible tells us that an excellent wife is worth more than jewels. If you think about that for a moment, what do jewels do for the wearer but to adorn them and make them feel important and make them shine. The jewels will bring adoration and praise to the wearer because of how beautiful they are and that is the picture of what a husband needs within his wife. He needs her to adore and adorn him. He needs her with her spirit and her attitude and her words to lift him up especially when no one else will. And if she does not, then as the Bible says, it is like rottenness to his bones (Proverbs 12:4) and he will sink and fall until he doesn’t feel like a man anymore and that is when the enemy attacks.
My wife is a jewel who has been with me through many trials that would have had the average woman of today running to divorce court. I am blessed a thousand times over that she is with me today. One time, when I had been thinking about going to college, she believed in me. You see at that time, I had come out of High School into a local college, but didn’t want to be there. So, I didn’t go to class and had a terrible grade point average. But the enemy was telling me that was what I was worth and could not handle college. After leaving school and then working for a while and being passed up for jobs that I could do because I didn’t have a degree, I was thinking about going to college. My family did not believe I could and if I am fair, I had a track record to prove it. But my wife didn’t believe any of that. She told me that not only could I go to college but that I could excel at it. She told me that I could graduate with high grades and that I was smart enough to knock their socks off. She believed in me when no one else did. And after completing my first semester and having all A’s, we discovered that my wife was pregnant with our first child after being told we would not have any children. I asked her if I should drop out of college and she told me that she believed in me that I could handle college and a job and becoming a father. I know I made it through school because of her and her belief in me.
3 “Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest, So is my beloved among the young men In his shade I took great delight and sat down, And his fruit was sweet to my taste.
4 “He has brought me to his banquet hall, And his banner over me is love.
5 “Sustain me with raisin cakes, Refresh me with apples, Because I am lovesick.
- Song of Solomon 2:3-5
Wives your husbands have a desperate need for you to adore them and be their best friend and be their biggest fan because it lifts them up and raises them to new heights and new levels spiritually, mentally and even physically. Your husbands need to know that you still can’t wait to see them again and be held by them again and hear their voice again and that there is nothing in the world like cuddling with them when watching television or a movie. Your husbands need to know how much you love them through your actions and your words and your spirit and by you being our biggest fan and when this happens, there is not a woman the enemy can send that will ever turn our heads. It is perfect way to affair proof your marriage.
33 Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.
- Ephesians 5:33
A second major need is the need to be respected. It is of the utmost importance that the wife respects him as a person, as a father, as a friend, and as the head of the whole household. This need is not secret, but most deeply needed. And honestly a wife who loves her husband and is his biggest fan should have no trouble respecting him. The shame of our society and much of the world is that they have gone so headlong stubbornly attacking the concept of the husband being the head of the household in favor of their misguided view of equality that they have not realized how they have caused the very erosion of the family that we see today. Make no mistake, this is a master plan of the enemy and one we can conquer by just committing today to walk out our marriages according to the Word of God because we know that the devil and his demons tremble at the Scriptures (James 2:19).
When respect of the husband, the head of the household, is absent, there is disarray in the home. The reason is that God’s order for the family has not fallen into place and God’s blessings and promises are blocked because of this. Understand that the Husband and the Wife are not equal when it comes to the marriage for God has set the husband to be responsible and head of the household. Regardless of whether or not the wife has a strong personality or feels that she should be in charge or is active in woman’s rights, the husband has been set in charge of the family by God and will have to answer to God for everything that happens within the family. Even if the husband abdicates, or gives away, his headship to the wife or some other party it does not nullify the word of God and the fact that the husband will be held accountable or the fact that the blessings of God will not flow. In addition, a wife who takes that authority in the family God will hold accountable for walking in disobedience and not being in line with God’s will. Therefore, it is of utmost importance to understand that husbands and wives and not equal and one of the reasons that the husband needs your respect is because of this responsibility on his shoulders.
The husband may be the head but that does not mean by any account that the wife is not as important. God has set the wife as the mother and nurturer and primary caregiver of the home and I am not referring to being barefoot and pregnant but an air of attitude the mother brings to the home. This is a direct relation to the difference between how men and women are designed by God. Men tend to be more logic based while women are more emotion based. For a man, their mind is more like a series of compartments that they can easily move in and out of taking down information from one place using it and then putting it back on the shelf when not necessary to be stored until later similar to how a computer uses memory storage. Woman are more like a giant pot in which all things within their mind are swimming together in a giant soup interconnected and building upon each other making it a bit more difficult to separate a particular item and store it for later use. On the same token, men will not be able to see how things are all connected and interconnected as easily as a woman can because they are more designed by God for family and communal style situations (the “Come and get a hug and feel all better” approach) whereas the man is more designed for direct goal orientated problem solving (the “Let me fix that” approach). The reason that God made each of us like this, again in general, is because the way a man’s mind works is geared more towards being the head of the home and likewise the way the woman’s mind works is geared more toward being the caregiver of the home. Separate functions and responsibilities that are not equal but equally important to the proper function of a Godly family. Please understand that this not meant as an insult to anyone nor is it meant to pigeon hole anyone, but is a generalization of the differences between men and women that illustrate the diverse yet significance that each bring to the Godly family.
4 An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, But she who shames him is like rottenness in his bones.
- Proverbs 12:4
I want to point out that a wife who respects her husband brings honor to him. A crown can symbolize many things and one of them is that the wearer receives respect and honor. If the wife is an excellent wife and adoring her husband and being his biggest fan and believing in him and respecting him and honoring him then there is not anything that he, coupled with Christ (Philippians 4:19), can not achieve. She will be his crown that all will be able to see even when she is not physically present for he will stand taller and talk smarter and walk bolder all because she is behind him and the crown on his head.
God tells us that he has made us kings and priests (Revelation 1:5) and the husband is also the head of the household (Genesis 3:16, Ephesians 5:23). Therefore, it is of utmost importance to the husband to know that his wife respects him and honors him as the head of the house, the king of the home if you will. He needs to know that you support him as the head and spiritual leader of home. He needs to see that you respect his decisions, even when they are wrong, and that you don’t openly challenge him in front of family, friends and your children. He needs you to have the same respect and honor for him as your bridegroom as you would for Jesus, whom I would also add is your bridegroom.
I realize that if the husband is not acting like a Godly king this may be difficult, but I heard my associate pastor recently say that it was difficult for Jesus to go to the garden and then to the cross and yet he took that cup for us. Sometimes, we are asked to do things that are not easy because the end result will be better for all. In your marriage, if your husband is not worthy of respect and honor or is not acting worthy of it, remember that God is still calling you to be an excellent wife. One that is a crown that brings the respect and honor and if you show your husband these things and the love of Christ to him, then perhaps he will change. In fact, the Bible speaks directly to this in.
16 For how do you know, O wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, O husband, whether you will save your wife?
- 1 Corinthians 7:16
I realize this is primarily speaking of salvation and redemption, but I believe this carries the point that your love, your respect, your honor can alter your husband in profound ways for Christ and bring him to the kingdom or closer to God and help God make him the Godly husband you deserve. I realize this may be a burden to bear, but God will walk this with you and you will never be alone.
22 He who finds a wife finds a good thing And obtains favor from the LORD.
- Proverbs 18:22
There is a good reason that God has said every word within the Bible. A wife that is honoring her husband, respecting her husband, adoring her husband, believing in her husband, loving her husband with Christ like love is a jewel and a good thing and that man is blessed beyond measure because of that wife that God has given unto him and that is why God says that husband obtains favors from the Lord. While this message had been primarily to the wives, husbands you better treat them right because they are a gift and a blessing from God that is causing your favor from him and if you were to squander this gift then you are in affect spitting on the very gift that God himself has purposefully and intently selected for you out of all the woman who have every lived in the world. And I for one would not want to fall into the wrath of the living God (Hebrews 10:29-31) because I did not cherish, love, care and protect the gift that God has given me in my wife. Think of this the next time you read Ephesians chapter 5.
I hope that you have gotten something out of this portion of the study. Next time I will talk about the how things change and shift over the course of your marriage. It is an important topic and I look forward to sharing it with you.
Love in Christ.
The Marriage Series (so far):
Loading ...Please review the “God and Math” pdf (if you didn’t get it by email from me and would like to review it then contact me) and let me know what you think. Add your comments below.
Continuing in the series on marriage, I want to focus on the men for a moment (next week it will be the ladies turn). The reason is that I am speaking to the husbands out there is that I want to zero in on some key concepts that I have learned and pass on that will help any man not only survive in his marriage, but to be able to foster a loving, caring, positively charged marriage that will be good for your morale, your spirit, your sexual relationship with your spouse, your interactions with other, and even help to inspire your children to be all that they can be. In other words, men don’t pass this over, you will need this information.
8 Deacons likewise must be men of dignity, not double-tongued, or addicted to much wine or fond of sordid gain,
9 but holding to the mystery of the faith with a clear conscience.
10 These men must also first be tested; then let them serve as deacons if they are beyond reproach.
11 Women must likewise be dignified, not malicious gossips, but temperate, faithful in all things.
12 Deacons must be husbands of only one wife, and good managers of their children and their own households.
13 For those who have served well as deacons obtain for themselves a high standing and great confidence in the faith that is in Christ Jesus.
- 1 Timothy 3:8-13
I realize that this passage refers to the character of leaders, but understand that God desires all men to be of this character and rise to the level that you could become leaders (Ephesians 4:1-16). Furthermore, your wife desires this character in you also. One of the most basic needs that your wife has and that you must portray to her is that you are loyal and not going anywhere. I realize that in our world divorce is rampant and we have come to place and time where there are now more people not married than married according to the latest polls. These times do not give you license and reason to treat your marriage as if one day you could dispose of it as you would the wrapper on a candy bar and grab the next one out of the box. No! These times instead reinforce the need for us as husbands to be loyal to our wives and be certain that we have assured them through more than just words that we are never going anywhere and we are here to stay.
13 “This is another thing you do: you cover the altar of the LORD with tears, with weeping and with groaning, because He no longer regards the offering or accepts it with favor from your hand.
14 “Yet you say, ‘For what reason?’ Because the LORD has been a witness between you and the wife of your youth, against whom you have dealt treacherously, though she is your companion and your wife by covenant.
15 “But not one has done so who has a remnant of the Spirit And what did that one do while he was seeking a godly offspring? Take heed then to your spirit, and let no one deal treacherously against the wife of your youth.
16 “For I hate divorce,” says the LORD, the God of Israel, “and him who covers his garment with wrong,” says the LORD of hosts. “So take heed to your spirit, that you do not deal treacherously.”
17 You have wearied the LORD with your words Yet you say, “How have we wearied Him?” In that you say, “Everyone who does evil is good in the sight of the LORD, and He delights in them,” or, “Where is the God of justice?”
- Malachi 2:13-17
You can see that God hates divorce and calls all who do not act with loyalty towards the “wife of your youth” as dealing in treachery. And to make this even more profound, the Lord says that you have wearied him with your cries and tears and words because of this disloyalty and he no longer regards your offerings as acceptable. That is a harsh word and think about that. If you have not been loyal to your wife than God says that you are treacherous and any offerings you bring before him no matter how much you cry and how many words you speak are no longer considered acceptable to him or finds favor from you. This means that God basically does not accept your attempts to appease him because you are not obeying him with your offerings and instead is commanding you to get right with him by returning to your wife in complete loyalty. This is the desire and will of God for every husband without exception.
10 An excellent wife, who can find? For her worth is far above jewels.
- Proverbs 31:10
Think back for a moment to the day that you got married. It was a joyous time that was shared by all. In that moment, when the priest (or justice of the peace) turned to you and read off the wedding vows, did you think to yourself that you were only saying those to get to the honeymoon and the bed? Did you think that you were not meaning these words because you really didn’t love your soon to be bride? Did you think that the brides maid looked better than your bride to be? No! None of these were true. In fact, in that moment there was no one on the planet that you would rather spend any single moment with than your bride to be. In fact, think about the pledge that you made to the one that you married. While the wording may have been a little different, it was something like the following.
I take you to be my lawfully wedded wife, my constant friend, my faithful partner and my love from this day forward. In the presence of God, our family, our friends and these witnesses, I offer you my solemn vow to be your faithful husband, to love you, comfort you, honor and keep you, in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer, for better, for worse, in sadness and in joy, to cherish and continually bestow upon you my heart’s deepest devotion, forsaking all others, being faithful and keep myself only unto you as long as we both shall live.
Your vows may not have been the same or as long, but the intention was there and you can’t tell me that on your wedding day and perhaps even today the intentions of your heart to fulfill what is written above is not still there. This is one of your wife’s deepest needs and desires is to know that you are going to be that loyal, faithful, true spouse that will never leave and never forsake her for someone else. There is no other need in your wife’s life besides God that can come so close to her heart because if you take away your loyalty and leave her always wondering if you are coming home to her than her love for you will, as the Bible says, grow cold (Matthew 24:12). The reason is that your wife is not supposed to be treated as a trophy that you come and visit when you feel the need or feel like polishing every once in a while. You need to remember that God joined you and melted you together into one flesh and her need and desire is to be with you and spend time with you and just feel your love exuding from your being into hers. A genuine honest love that comes from a deep seed desire within your heart to spend the rest of your life pleasing your wife.
Years ago, before we had our problems, my wife and I would get into fights and toss around the words “leaving” “divorce” and “separate” when we were mad. We did not really deep down desire to do these things as much as we desired to get the other ones attention or strike a bit of pain into them. But we tossed those words around almost like they were nothing, just words right. Wrong!
4 Look at the ships also, though they are so great and are driven by strong winds, are still directed by a very small rudder wherever the inclination of the pilot desires.
5 So also the tongue is a small part of the body, and yet it boasts of great things See how great a forest is set aflame by such a small fire!
- James 1:4-5
And
21 Death and life are in the power of the tongue, And those who love it will eat its fruit.
- Proverbs 18:21
Our words have power and when you continually use negative words to energize your marriage, then you will reap what you have sown. And I should know. When the ceiling comes crashing down and the sky falls on your head, you realize just how insignificant your words are. In fact, one of the things that Gary and Gina told us when we began to rebuild our marriage back up from the ashes was that we had to throw those words away and make a commitment to not only never use those words but to never think those thoughts. We had to make a commitment to each other that we were indeed in this marriage for the long haul and no matter how tough or how difficult it got we would at the very least find ourselves still together. In other words, I had to commit to my wife that I would be loyal no matter what. I can tell you that the devil put that to the test with some really tough struggles after that, but once we got through them our marriage began to flourish like never before. And the reason is because one of my wife’s (and yours too) basic needs, the need for loyalty, was being met.
6 Now we command you, brethren, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that you keep away from every brother who leads an unruly life and not according to the tradition which you received from us.
7 For you yourselves know how you ought to follow our example, because we did not act in an undisciplined manner among you,
8 nor did we eat anyone’s bread without paying for it, but with labor and hardship we kept working night and day so that we would not be a burden to any of you;
9 not because we do not have the right to this, but in order to offer ourselves as a model for you, so that you would follow our example.
10 For even when we were with you, we used to give you this order: if anyone is not willing to work, then he is not to eat, either.
11 For we hear that some among you are leading an undisciplined life, doing no work at all, but acting like busybodies.
- 2 Thessalonians 3:6-11
Another basic need of your wife is the need for security. You will notice in the passage above that if a man does not work he does not eat and if he has a wife and a family then that wife and family does not eat lest someone take pity on them. This is not the way that God intends for the family to be nor is it what your wife deserves. In fact, your wife deserves to be taken care of in fine style, after all she is the one whom the Lord has picked out of all the people on the earth to be your bride and queen (remember you are a king, Revelation 1:6). This is why God warns us to not be undisciplined and to keep away from undisciplined people because bad company will corrupt good morals (1 Corinthians 15:33).
Your wife needs, and I can’t say this strong enough, absolutely needs you to work hard at your job to provide a home for her and your children and even an inheritance (Proverbs 13:22). This does not mean that you are to work such that you sacrifice all your time and are never home. Your wife does not need a fifty room mansion. She needs you more than money and if you are working hard and honoring your wife and God, God will prosper your ways (Hebrews 11:6, Jeremiah 29:11, Psalm 37:11, Deuteronomy 28:11, Philippians 4:19, etc). However, it takes money to survive in this world and therefore you will need to work to provide. This means that you will need to be at a stable job and not hopping from one place to another. You will need to get benefits to provide insurance for children if you have them. You will need to take care of the needs that arise in running a home. Don’t be deceived into thinking you need to do this alone because God has given you a wife to work with you in all of these things remembering that God created woman, Eve, because man, Adam, had not helper (Genesis 2:18). Therefore, you would be foolish to not make use of the helper that God has provided in your own home. However, remember she is the helper and not the main bread winner for that is your function as the head of the household (Genesis 3:16, Ephesians 5:16). But you need to be working and providing so that you wife can be secure and have security in knowing that she has a home that she can not lose.
Some time ago, I was on my way home from work and I spotted a homeless man on the corner. God told me to stop and get him some food which I did. I bought a bunch of cheeseburgers and brought them to the man. Moments after I did this, he called over his friends, all of whom were homeless, and I immediately had a gathering of people who wanted to know why I was helping them. I told them that God told me to help them and I shared about Jesus. Most of them just nodded their heads and then went away with a full belly for at least the night. But there was one couple who was there that God had a divine appointment for because they had been on the streets for some time and the wife was at her wits end due to the lack of security. When all was said and done, God got them off of the streets and into an apartment and got the wife a certificate from a trade school so that she could always be employable. The husband was disabled and got actually on disability to receive a monthly check. Now they are living in an apartment and have a car and no one can take it away and when you see her now she is glowing, a much different person because God, her ultimate husband, provided her security (Philippians 4:19, Ephesians 3:20).
Security in your marriage is essential to your survival. You must provide for your wife and make sure that she feels like she will never lose her home. Understand that there can come times when a lay off happens and you must unite in prayer as you search for a new job. But it can never become a habit for the husband to not be working or else the potential for the wife to be unhappy because of an unmet need is high. This is especially true when there are children in the marriage because I have almost never met a wife and mother who does not want to stay home and be a major part of raising their children and molding them into the adults they will become. Even if they have to work because the husband’s salary is not enough, they still yearn and desire to be that major player in their life. And that is never possible if the husband is not working and providing the wife with the security that she needs.
Loyalty and security go hand and hand in a marriage and are two basic needs that almost all wives have of their husbands. The ironic thing is that many times this is not something that is directly spoken about. I realize that couples talk all the time, but the deep needs of the spouses are not usually spoken about and it leads to unmet expectations and disappointment which can lead to fighting, anger, frustration and even ultimately affairs, separation and divorce. I have seen this in my own life where my not understanding my wife’s basic needs even though in my mind I was doing everything for her was actually pushing her away. But once I understood what her needs were, I was able to make changes needed to save my marriage and make my wife happy.
I would like to encourage every husband out there that is reading this to be loyal to your wife and make sure she knows it and not by your telling her but by your showing her. Work hard at your job to provide for your wife the security she needs to know that you are providing a home for your family. This is of utmost importance to your wife and her basic needs and will help to propel your marriage to the next level.
Next time I will be focusing on some aspects of the husband that every wife needs to know about. It is a post that every couple needs to know.
Love in Christ.
The Marriage Series (so far):
