Continuing in the series on marriage, I want to focus on a very important topic and that is the topic of change. Change comes in many forms from the concept of compromising with your spouse over one of the many decisions before you to life changes that alter you for the rest of your life like children or a disability to the ever changing face of your marriage itself. No matter what the specific situation change is inevitable and therefore one we must learn how to handle and face together.

This passage is all about change because it informs us that there is a season for everything. In your marriage, there is a season to court and a season to wed. There is a season to focus on your relationship and a season to have children. There is a season to be young and a season to grow old. Effectively, this passage is telling us that our marriages and our lives are wrapped around the concept that we walk through different seasons and must learn how to change for each season we are in. Just like the way you act when you are tearing something down (v3) is not the same way you act when you are building something up or else you will never be able to achieve each. In your marriage, you must learn how to move with the tides and the changes that come and be open to these changes. Some changes are good like having children, dating and growing old together. Some changes are not often good like losing your job, having bad health and suffering loss within the family. But all of these are seasons that we need to walk through and when you are married you need to walk through together.

In a typical relationship cycle, you will meet somewhere and begin to date until one day something changes and you discover that this is the one person that you want to spend the rest of your life with. That day may be the first day you laid eyes on your spouse to be or it may be many days down the road, but there is a moment in time that everything changes and this person that you are sharing your time with is no longer a friend or a person that you are hanging out with but the one that you are seeking to marry. You pop the question or the question is popped to you and then the wedding is planned (assuming you say yes). The joyous day with all of its pomp and circumstance comes and then bang, everything changes again. As mentioned in an earlier post (see Two Shall Become One Flesh), you are no longer two but one and now you have to discover what that means and how to fit into this new life and how to communicate and survive the jungles and traps of this world. But the beauty of marriage is that you don’t ever have to do it alone because you have your spouse to help you along with God. Then one day, everything changes again when you suddenly discover that a child will soon be arriving. You are nervous and excited, terrified and overjoyed and full of more emotions and love than you ever thought possible. In fact, you discover that even though you did not think it was possible to love any more than you already did, suddenly you have a whole new source of love coming from deep within you for this child while somehow growing your love for your spouse. The day your bouncing bundle of joy arrives you could not be happier and the pain is soon a distant memory. Everyone ohs and ahs at the new child when they see you, but you are left with the amazing responsibility of having to raise this life into adulthood and you realize that life that you once had was gone and everything has changed. But this is not bad and all is not for loss as you discover the amazing feelings you have playing with this new little life that thinks you are not only the center of the universe but the coolest thing since sliced bread, if it was to know what sliced bread was. Over the years they grow and as they move from stage to stage, your life changes from feeding them to helping them walk to disciplining to helping with homework to becoming more of a resource for wisdom and coaching in their later teen years. And depending on your family sizes, you might have gone through that multiple times. Suddenly one day you wake up and discover that all of the children have moved out and it is just you and your spouse all over again. Sure you can visit any time, but at home when the business of the day wears off, it is just you and your soul mate looking back at each other again.

A new day had begun and new changes happened illustrating the simple fact that all throughout your life you are constantly dealing with change. And none of the changes I listed above dealt with changes in technology, economy, jobs and other events that cause families to have to make decisions that are many times well outside of what they had originally planned for. My point being is that we must be flexible and willing to alter plans, adapt to new ideas and concepts, compromise in certain areas when necessary all with the common goal of what is best for your marriage keeping in mind that the center of your marriage is God then the couple.

On that note, let us take a look at a familiar piece of Scripture.

As odd as this may sound, we must understand that God does not change. He is the same yesterday, today and forever and the reason that this is important is because we must understand that while our situations may come as a surprise to us it does not come as a surprise to God. He knew about it long before we did and his Word still applies. Too many people have this impression that God is somehow finding out things when we are as if God is sitting on his throne biting his nails wondering what will happen next. Nothing is further from the truth. God knows all things and has a plan for us and more importantly has set in place His Word which does not ever change (Psalm 119:89). He did this so that we could always have an anchor in the midst of any storm to hold on to and trust in. He also did this so that no matter what we could invoke His Word and expect Him to not only adhere to it but to move heaven and earth in order to ensure that it comes to pass. This is why the Bible tells us that God watches over his Word.

While God is not changing, we do. Things both inside and outside of our control are constantly in motion about us to cause things to change. In some cases, we have control over these changes. For example, one of the spouses gets offered a job in another state that would require a move and the couple sits down and decides together whether or not this is what is best for the family. This decision may involve a compromise of some kind. One of the spouses may have to compromise living near family in favor of this new job and new life in the new state for the family. Whatever the decision, changes in their life that in this case were within their control caused them to be in a position to make a life altering decision that would change the way that they live. Some changes are outside of our control. For example, one of the spouses becomes handicapped due to an injury at work or a car accident and they are no longer able to work causing, perhaps, the loss of a home.

It was June of 2000 when I received a call from a close friend of mine that I had not seen in a couple of years. To be honest, given my situation, I am not even certain how he got my phone number, but he found it and gave me a call. I was living at the time in mid-state New York about thirty miles outside of Albany near my wife’s family. However, I was having a very hard time finding a job because there was just not much need for an engineer in that area. My friend was telling me about the Dallas-Fort Worth, Texas area in which he and his wife had recently moved because it was teeming with jobs. I was reluctant to move my family so far away from my wife’s family but my wife suggested that we had nothing to lose by opening my resume up to anywhere in the entire United States. Within twenty-four hours, I received something like forty calls most of which were for the Texas area all wanting to interview me. It was becoming obvious that my best chance for a job was not in New York, but in Texas. So, we borrowed some money and began a trip to Texas. While the trip was costing us more than we expected, we hit a major problem in Tennessee. Our thermostat went and we had to get it replaced. For the first time in my life, I think I was entertained by angels because to find a service station was almost impossible. But we finally got directions that literally included leaving the pavement and continuing on a dirt road. Sure enough a little ma and pa service type station was out in the middle of nowhere on this little dirt road. As the man serviced our car, the lady of the station talked to us and heard our story. We were there for several hours and only paid about $90 which both my wife and I knew was way too little for all the work that was done. On top of that, the car never ran so good as it did when they were done with it. I truly believe we were in the presence of angels at that moment. When we returned to the highway, we did a quick recount and discovered that we had enough to get to Texas and enough to return home to the children, but not both. I already had interviews lined up for when I arrived so we decided that there was nothing for us going backwards (except the kids of course) and went on to Texas. It was several days later that I interviewed for Motorola, because it was Fourth of July weekend. Within less than twenty-four hours of the interview, I received and accepted an offer, was in touch with the relocation division and was moved to corporate housing while arrangements were being made for us to return and get our children and stuff. God moved quickly and mightily once I opened myself to change.

When God does something, it is very often far above and more abundant and beyond what we could think or ask for which is why it is important to be open to whatever changes that God would want to bring your way.

Life altering changes do not always come in the form of jobs and easy decisions. My wife and I were told that we would never have children. Our doctor at the time decided that even though it was basically impossible, we would try anyway. After months of doing the charting and temperatures and headaches of not seeing any change, my wife finally got pregnant (see Hearing do you Understand). We were excited and that is when it hit us, were we ready for a child? We had spent so much time trying to get pregnant that we did not consider if we were ready for one. I have learned that no matter how much you read and how much time you spend around other babies; nothing can prepare you for when your little bundle of joy arrives. I can remember the day after in the hospital. Somehow I had this impression that life would halt almost as if it had taken in a deep breath and was holding it for a moment while I acclimated myself to this new little child. But it didn’t. In fact, life moved on whether I was ready or not. My child moved on needing to be changed and feed and cuddled and loved whether I was ready or not. In fact, the baby had no idea about my concerns because she had only just arrived and just needed me. And the best thing I could do was to be there no matter how my life changed because of her. And I have been there ever since through all the good times and the bad and I can speak from experience that I would not trade it for anything.

Even Jesus was flexible to change. Let us take a look at a familiar passage of Scripture, but in a different light.

I am sure most everyone has read this or heard this passage about Jesus’ first miracle before. However, I want to zero in on verse 4 for a moment. We read that when Jesus replies to his mother, he tells her that, “My hour has not yet come.” Jesus is saying that it is not yet time for him to perform a miracle. Another way of looking at this is that when Jesus and God the Father sat down and planned his life, it did not include a miracle at this wedding which is why his hour had not yet come. However, Mary did not respond directly to him but informed the servants to do whatever he said to do. Effectively trusting him to do something and as his mother expecting him to heed to her word. Jesus, you could say, was in a pickle. On the one hand, he had the plan of God that did not include a miracle at the wedding. On the other hand, he had the fourth commandment in which he must honor his mother which I would also point out all of his disciples gather around him would be aware of.

So, what did Jesus do? He performed a miracle because Jesus knew that God, while always the same and his Word is settled in heaven, changes his plan when people do things that cause his plan to be changed. Just look at what happened in Numbers 13 with the twelve spies who went to Canaan and gave a bad report causing God to punish them for forty years instead of taking them directly to the Promised Land.

Even Jesus changed and performed his first miracle at the wedding and honored his mother. Since Jesus is our example, we must also realize that there is a time when we must change. Jesus was steadfast and uncompromising when it came to the Word of God, but when it came to the plan of God he was more flexible because he understood that God, while never changing, does alter things to work into his plan our decisions. We can learn from Jesus and apply this to our marriages. We can be steadfast on the promises of God for our marriages to make us one and bless us, but be willing to be flexible when it comes to how the plan of things within our family will be walked out. If we do, I promise you that you will not only find it easier to work together to face any storm, but will find the blessings of God flowing greater into your family.

I hope this has helped you get a glimpse into the concept of change in a marriage and a life. Next time I am going to discuss the power of the three squeezes. By sure to be checking back for that message.

Love in Christ.

The Marriage Series (so far):

• Part 1 : Marriages – Introduction

• Part 2 : Marriages – Two Shall Become One Flesh

• Part 3 : Marriages – The Role of a Lifetime

• Part 4 : Marriages – The Authority of the Spouse

• Part 5 : Marriages – Hearing Do You Understand

• Part 6 : Marriages – Sex, Wait, That is in the Bible

• Part 7 : Marriages – The Addition of Children

• Part 8 : Marriages – Men Exude Security and Loyalty

• Part 9 : Marriages – Woman Radiate Adoration and Respect

Gossip and slander is a cancer root in a church that needs to be nipped as soon as it is uttered, but all too often we fall into the trap of going along with it. Perhaps it is our curiosity on what might be said about another good or bad, or perhaps it is just our flesh seeking the desires of the flesh. Whatever the reason, we need to not let it grow.

I bring this up because I watched “The Preacher’s Wife” with Denzel Washington (Dudley the Angel) last night. I had been resisting watching this movie for some time because the trailer makes it out to be something it is not. However, I happened upon it the other day and what I saw was good and intrigued me so I thought I would watch and see. I was pleasantly surprised. Yes, there are some Hollywood fumbles in it as it gets the theology wrong about angels. But I can look past that and see the movie for what it is.

That said, there was a moment in the movie shortly after Dudley first meets the pastor he is sent to help and receives the cold shoulder where he inadvertently begins something that could be gossip or slander. The scene went something like this (and I am doing this from memory so I might not get all of the words right, but the intention is).

This scene was a brilliant example of exactly what we should do when we hear gossip or slander especially when it is about the leadership of our churches. We should stop it in there tracks. We should say something along with the Vendor like this:

This is the way we all should be and a stellar example of what Jesus would want. Just take a look at what the Bible says about gossip.

Let us all strive to not gossip or slander, but to take up what the vendor in this movie did and defend those who labor so hard amongst us for our benefit.

A good friend of mine wrote a great article about marriage and keeping your oath. I know from personal experience how important this is and how much my friend has walked through with fire to get to where he is–a great marriage. Hope over and have a read (Click Here to read it).

You may have heard this before because it has been around for a bit. But I thought it was worth sharing again

A man sat at a metro station in Washington DC and started to play the violin; it was a cold January morning. He played six Bach pieces for about 45 minutes. During that time, since it was rush hour, it was calculated that thousands of people went through the station, most of them on their way to work.

Three minutes went by and a middle aged man noticed there was musician playing. He slowed his pace and stopped for a few seconds and then hurried up to meet his schedule. A minute later, the violinist received his first dollar tip: a woman threw the money in the till and without stopping continued to walk. A few minutes later, someone leaned against the wall to listen to him, but the man looked at his watch and started to walk again. Clearly he was late for work.

The one who paid the most attention was a 3 year old boy. His mother tagged him along, hurried but the kid stopped to look at the violinist. Finally the mother pushed hard and the child continued to walk turning his head all the time. This action was repeated by several other children. All the parents, without exception, forced them to move on.

In the 45 minutes the musician played, only 6 people stopped and stayed for a while. About 20 gave him money but continued to walk their normal pace. He collected $32. When he finished playing and silence took over, no one noticed it. No one applauded, nor was there any recognition.

No one knew this but the violinist was Joshua Bell, one of the best musicians in the world. He played one of the most intricate pieces ever written with a violin worth 3.5 million dollars.

Two days before his playing in the subway, Joshua Bell sold out at a theater in Boston and the seats average $100.

This is a real story (verified by Snopes and the Washington Post article). Joshua Bell playing incognito in the metro station was organized by the Washington Post as part of an social experiment about perception, taste and priorities of people. The outlines were: in a commonplace environment at an inappropriate hour: Do we perceive beauty? Do we stop to appreciate it? Do we recognize the talent in an unexpected context?

One of the possible conclusions from this experience could be: If we do not have a moment to stop and listen to one of the best musicians in the world playing the best music ever written, how many other things are we missing?

I had a vision.

I have had this vision before and I have seen myself on this cliff before. Oh, I have convinced myself several times that I have conquered this cliff when in reality I had run from it. Instead of conquering my fears, I turned running from them. I have even convinced myself that I have not run from the edge and even had false teaching about what was supposed to happen at the edge and tried to run with it. But in the end, all those paths brought me back to the edge of the cliff standing there sweating with a single choice to make. Do I really trust in Jesus or do I not trust in Jesus? Many of us as Christians will answer that question with a quick yes, but how many of us really mean it. I mean really mean it. When the chips are down or we just get told that we have terminal cancer and there is no one else but Jesus to heal us. How many of us really believe what we preach? For a long time, I would have to say that I did not completely trust Jesus and was a hypocrite and I bet many of you reading this are too, but if you are keep reading because there is hope for you just like there was me.

To begin with, I was saved. I got saved back on July 12, 1992 in a little church in upstate New York. I was spirit filled. I got filled with God’s Holy Spirit in my living room in November of 1998 and learned really what that meant in June of 2005. In all that time, I have done my best to follow what Jesus wanted me to do as long as it did not interfere with certain plans that I had for my life. At first, I didn’t realize that was what I was doing, then I went through period that I did know that was what I was doing. Then God stripped me of everything and had me start all over again and I thought that I was doing pretty good until the last couple of weeks.

I have been working a bunch of overtime at work and that causes an extra amount of stress on your time. What that amounts to is less time to do what you like to do and want you want to do. I did not cut Jesus out, but obviously everything but work was scaled back and I found myself feeling like I was out on a limb that was being sawed off. I found myself feeling a heavy burden and the need for a savior and feeling like I didn’t have one. Now I know that the enemy is a liar and do not get me wrong. But you need to understand the series of events to understand how my eyes were opened.

One thing leads to another and I find myself last night having three dreams in a row. To understand why this is important, you have to know that I have had enough dreams from God and not from God that I know the difference of when God is trying to tell me something and when it is a normal dream and the three last night were from God. However, I was having difficulty understanding what the message from God was in them. Each dream had the same theme in that I was receiving a blessing (twice an inheritance and once a large sum of money) and in each time there was people or things hindering or preventing me from receiving it. I woke up and this puzzled me.

I went to church this morning and attended the spiritual warfare class and received some insight. The instructor Dan was speaking about spirits that find a way in to hinder you from being able to receive from God. He listed off several different types of hindering spirits and how they can get into your life. I realize sitting there the meaning of the dreams. God was wanting to bring blessings to me both in the forms of inheritances and donation types from people I don’t know but I have let the enemy entice my flesh into hindering my spirit and it had become a blocker to the blessings. I had asked God just recently how come the temptations to sin seem so much stronger then my ability to resist them. The truth is that my flesh desires the temptations and the sin and I had let my flesh get in the way and God was unable to move and bring the blessings to me.

I wanted to have Dan pray for me, but time had run out and we had to get to church service. I realize now that was because God was not done dealing with me. As I was standing at my post as an usher, God was bringing things to my remembrance. He reminded me of the vision at the beginning of this post and how many times I had ducked and dodged and ran from conquering the cliff. He showed me the truth and how I have let my flesh get in the way and he showed me how I can overcome. You see, I had been incorrectly taught that if I jumped off the cliff that I would meet Jesus in the air and all I had to do was to trust him. That is not right. If I step off of the cliff, I will die, and my flesh will go into the ravine. But my spirit will be lifted high up with Jesus in the air and this is what Jesus wants. God opened my eyes to the following Scripture.

In order for me to move on in Christ and the next level of the blessings and the glory of what God and Jesus has in store for me and my family, I had to die to my flesh. I had to die to myself. I had to die completely to all things that pertained to the wanton desires of the flesh and seek only the things of God.

After service, I went to Dan and explained all that I had explained here and told him, “Pat has to die today.” He knew what I meant and we prayed together. We renounced the devil and his power over me and my family and ministry and every hold he has ever had over me and fully announced my allegiance and total commitment to God, completely and totally sold out for Jesus with no holds barred and nothing held back from this day forward.

Continuing in the series on marriage, I want to focus on the wives for a moment and give them some tips on dealing with their husbands that will go a long way to making their marriages survive the test of time, trials, tribulations and whatever other storms and good times that you might face. And in order to help you out, I am going to break the secret man code to do it. So, sit down and get ready for something that you might not ever have heard before, but something that you will absolutely need.

I saw a post on a blog (Red Hot Momma’s Blog) not too long ago that was from a woman who had spoken with her husband and they were discussing the reasons that men cheat. The main reason they put forth was sex and I disagreed. That is not that I doubt that sex occurs, because I know that it does. But that sex is not typically the first thing that happens. What I mean by that is the husband does not happen to see a woman at work or the mall or church (and yes affairs happen at church) or wherever and immediately begins having sex with this person. Sex is more a byproduct of a relation that has developed over time. Sure there is the occasional exception, but sex is not the rule to why men cheat.

So, then why do men cheat? That is a good question and the answer comes down to a deep need that all men have that they typically do not talk about because it is part of the secret man code. And this deep need is the need for adoration, or the need for their wife to be their biggest fan and believe in them when no one else, perhaps even themselves, believes in them. Yes, us strong, big, powerful, macho men need our wives to believe in us and be our best friend and our biggest fan and shower us with adoration just like what was quoted above in the passage from the bride to her husband, King Solomon. We need our wives to see us as God fearing world changers whether we look like it or not or else our ability to sink to the furthest depths possible will happen. And when this occurs, the enemy knows that we are ripe for the picking and sends to the man in jeopardy a silver tongued sweet talking “other woman” into his life. She is not as beautiful as our wife because no one on earth can be (see the post on Marriages – Sex, Wait, That is in the Bible) and she is potentially not as smart, but she has one thing on her side and that is the enemy is making sure she is saying just what the man in jeopardy needs to hear at the moment he needs to hear it. Sure, he should be speaking to his wife, but at this point, he has felt a disconnection with her because she no longer believes in him and no longer adores him and he longs for the times when they were dating and she could not wait to see him again and be held by him again. But these times, he fears are long gone. So, he speaks with the other woman and soon he is sharing with her the things he should be sharing with his wife. Then a dangerous thing happens, he allows the relationship with his wife to turn upside down. What do I mean by that? I mean that instead of his wife being his best friend and confidant and one to turn to in time of need, he turns to the other woman and the wife becomes almost the enemy because the guilt and shame the Holy Spirit cause him to feel when he is around her is so strong that he either shuts down, lashes out or escapes the situation by avoiding her altogether or leaving. It is at this point, when the emotional connection between husband and wife has been severed that sex will enter the affair relationship severing the physical connection between the husband and the wife because the husband has now connected and joined with another woman. It is important to note that sex is not the reason that men, or at least most men cheat, but is a result of bigger problems within the marriage that existed long before the husband entered into intimacy with the other woman.

The sad thing about affairs and husbands who stray (and wives who stray) is that if the husband had spoken with the wife about this need, the wife would have been more than happen to supply it. The Bible tells us that an excellent wife is worth more than jewels. If you think about that for a moment, what do jewels do for the wearer but to adorn them and make them feel important and make them shine. The jewels will bring adoration and praise to the wearer because of how beautiful they are and that is the picture of what a husband needs within his wife. He needs her to adore and adorn him. He needs her with her spirit and her attitude and her words to lift him up especially when no one else will. And if she does not, then as the Bible says, it is like rottenness to his bones (Proverbs 12:4) and he will sink and fall until he doesn’t feel like a man anymore and that is when the enemy attacks.

My wife is a jewel who has been with me through many trials that would have had the average woman of today running to divorce court. I am blessed a thousand times over that she is with me today. One time, when I had been thinking about going to college, she believed in me. You see at that time, I had come out of High School into a local college, but didn’t want to be there. So, I didn’t go to class and had a terrible grade point average. But the enemy was telling me that was what I was worth and could not handle college. After leaving school and then working for a while and being passed up for jobs that I could do because I didn’t have a degree, I was thinking about going to college. My family did not believe I could and if I am fair, I had a track record to prove it. But my wife didn’t believe any of that. She told me that not only could I go to college but that I could excel at it. She told me that I could graduate with high grades and that I was smart enough to knock their socks off. She believed in me when no one else did. And after completing my first semester and having all A’s, we discovered that my wife was pregnant with our first child after being told we would not have any children. I asked her if I should drop out of college and she told me that she believed in me that I could handle college and a job and becoming a father. I know I made it through school because of her and her belief in me.

Wives your husbands have a desperate need for you to adore them and be their best friend and be their biggest fan because it lifts them up and raises them to new heights and new levels spiritually, mentally and even physically. Your husbands need to know that you still can’t wait to see them again and be held by them again and hear their voice again and that there is nothing in the world like cuddling with them when watching television or a movie. Your husbands need to know how much you love them through your actions and your words and your spirit and by you being our biggest fan and when this happens, there is not a woman the enemy can send that will ever turn our heads. It is perfect way to affair proof your marriage.

A second major need is the need to be respected. It is of the utmost importance that the wife respects him as a person, as a father, as a friend, and as the head of the whole household. This need is not secret, but most deeply needed. And honestly a wife who loves her husband and is his biggest fan should have no trouble respecting him. The shame of our society and much of the world is that they have gone so headlong stubbornly attacking the concept of the husband being the head of the household in favor of their misguided view of equality that they have not realized how they have caused the very erosion of the family that we see today. Make no mistake, this is a master plan of the enemy and one we can conquer by just committing today to walk out our marriages according to the Word of God because we know that the devil and his demons tremble at the Scriptures (James 2:19).

When respect of the husband, the head of the household, is absent, there is disarray in the home. The reason is that God’s order for the family has not fallen into place and God’s blessings and promises are blocked because of this. Understand that the Husband and the Wife are not equal when it comes to the marriage for God has set the husband to be responsible and head of the household. Regardless of whether or not the wife has a strong personality or feels that she should be in charge or is active in woman’s rights, the husband has been set in charge of the family by God and will have to answer to God for everything that happens within the family. Even if the husband abdicates, or gives away, his headship to the wife or some other party it does not nullify the word of God and the fact that the husband will be held accountable or the fact that the blessings of God will not flow. In addition, a wife who takes that authority in the family God will hold accountable for walking in disobedience and not being in line with God’s will. Therefore, it is of utmost importance to understand that husbands and wives and not equal and one of the reasons that the husband needs your respect is because of this responsibility on his shoulders.

The husband may be the head but that does not mean by any account that the wife is not as important. God has set the wife as the mother and nurturer and primary caregiver of the home and I am not referring to being barefoot and pregnant but an air of attitude the mother brings to the home. This is a direct relation to the difference between how men and women are designed by God. Men tend to be more logic based while women are more emotion based. For a man, their mind is more like a series of compartments that they can easily move in and out of taking down information from one place using it and then putting it back on the shelf when not necessary to be stored until later similar to how a computer uses memory storage. Woman are more like a giant pot in which all things within their mind are swimming together in a giant soup interconnected and building upon each other making it a bit more difficult to separate a particular item and store it for later use. On the same token, men will not be able to see how things are all connected and interconnected as easily as a woman can because they are more designed by God for family and communal style situations (the “Come and get a hug and feel all better” approach) whereas the man is more designed for direct goal orientated problem solving (the “Let me fix that” approach). The reason that God made each of us like this, again in general, is because the way a man’s mind works is geared more towards being the head of the home and likewise the way the woman’s mind works is geared more toward being the caregiver of the home. Separate functions and responsibilities that are not equal but equally important to the proper function of a Godly family. Please understand that this not meant as an insult to anyone nor is it meant to pigeon hole anyone, but is a generalization of the differences between men and women that illustrate the diverse yet significance that each bring to the Godly family.

I want to point out that a wife who respects her husband brings honor to him. A crown can symbolize many things and one of them is that the wearer receives respect and honor. If the wife is an excellent wife and adoring her husband and being his biggest fan and believing in him and respecting him and honoring him then there is not anything that he, coupled with Christ (Philippians 4:19), can not achieve. She will be his crown that all will be able to see even when she is not physically present for he will stand taller and talk smarter and walk bolder all because she is behind him and the crown on his head.

God tells us that he has made us kings and priests (Revelation 1:5) and the husband is also the head of the household (Genesis 3:16, Ephesians 5:23). Therefore, it is of utmost importance to the husband to know that his wife respects him and honors him as the head of the house, the king of the home if you will. He needs to know that you support him as the head and spiritual leader of home. He needs to see that you respect his decisions, even when they are wrong, and that you don’t openly challenge him in front of family, friends and your children. He needs you to have the same respect and honor for him as your bridegroom as you would for Jesus, whom I would also add is your bridegroom.

I realize that if the husband is not acting like a Godly king this may be difficult, but I heard my associate pastor recently say that it was difficult for Jesus to go to the garden and then to the cross and yet he took that cup for us. Sometimes, we are asked to do things that are not easy because the end result will be better for all. In your marriage, if your husband is not worthy of respect and honor or is not acting worthy of it, remember that God is still calling you to be an excellent wife. One that is a crown that brings the respect and honor and if you show your husband these things and the love of Christ to him, then perhaps he will change. In fact, the Bible speaks directly to this in.

I realize this is primarily speaking of salvation and redemption, but I believe this carries the point that your love, your respect, your honor can alter your husband in profound ways for Christ and bring him to the kingdom or closer to God and help God make him the Godly husband you deserve. I realize this may be a burden to bear, but God will walk this with you and you will never be alone.

There is a good reason that God has said every word within the Bible. A wife that is honoring her husband, respecting her husband, adoring her husband, believing in her husband, loving her husband with Christ like love is a jewel and a good thing and that man is blessed beyond measure because of that wife that God has given unto him and that is why God says that husband obtains favors from the Lord. While this message had been primarily to the wives, husbands you better treat them right because they are a gift and a blessing from God that is causing your favor from him and if you were to squander this gift then you are in affect spitting on the very gift that God himself has purposefully and intently selected for you out of all the woman who have every lived in the world. And I for one would not want to fall into the wrath of the living God (Hebrews 10:29-31) because I did not cherish, love, care and protect the gift that God has given me in my wife. Think of this the next time you read Ephesians chapter 5.

I hope that you have gotten something out of this portion of the study. Next time I will talk about the how things change and shift over the course of your marriage. It is an important topic and I look forward to sharing it with you.

Love in Christ.

The Marriage Series (so far):

• Part 1 : Marriages – Introduction

• Part 2 : Marriages – Two Shall Become One Flesh

• Part 3 : Marriages – The Role of a Lifetime

• Part 4 : Marriages – The Authority of the Spouse

• Part 5 : Marriages – Hearing Do You Understand

• Part 6 : Marriages – Sex, Wait, That is in the Bible

• Part 7 : Marriages – The Addition of Children

• Part 8 : Marriages – Men Exude Security and Loyalty

Continuing in the series on marriage, I want to focus on the men for a moment (next week it will be the ladies turn). The reason is that I am speaking to the husbands out there is that I want to zero in on some key concepts that I have learned and pass on that will help any man not only survive in his marriage, but to be able to foster a loving, caring, positively charged marriage that will be good for your morale, your spirit, your sexual relationship with your spouse, your interactions with other, and even help to inspire your children to be all that they can be. In other words, men don’t pass this over, you will need this information.

I realize that this passage refers to the character of leaders, but understand that God desires all men to be of this character and rise to the level that you could become leaders (Ephesians 4:1-16). Furthermore, your wife desires this character in you also. One of the most basic needs that your wife has and that you must portray to her is that you are loyal and not going anywhere. I realize that in our world divorce is rampant and we have come to place and time where there are now more people not married than married according to the latest polls. These times do not give you license and reason to treat your marriage as if one day you could dispose of it as you would the wrapper on a candy bar and grab the next one out of the box. No! These times instead reinforce the need for us as husbands to be loyal to our wives and be certain that we have assured them through more than just words that we are never going anywhere and we are here to stay.

You can see that God hates divorce and calls all who do not act with loyalty towards the “wife of your youth” as dealing in treachery. And to make this even more profound, the Lord says that you have wearied him with your cries and tears and words because of this disloyalty and he no longer regards your offerings as acceptable. That is a harsh word and think about that. If you have not been loyal to your wife than God says that you are treacherous and any offerings you bring before him no matter how much you cry and how many words you speak are no longer considered acceptable to him or finds favor from you. This means that God basically does not accept your attempts to appease him because you are not obeying him with your offerings and instead is commanding you to get right with him by returning to your wife in complete loyalty. This is the desire and will of God for every husband without exception.

Think back for a moment to the day that you got married. It was a joyous time that was shared by all. In that moment, when the priest (or justice of the peace) turned to you and read off the wedding vows, did you think to yourself that you were only saying those to get to the honeymoon and the bed? Did you think that you were not meaning these words because you really didn’t love your soon to be bride? Did you think that the brides maid looked better than your bride to be? No! None of these were true. In fact, in that moment there was no one on the planet that you would rather spend any single moment with than your bride to be. In fact, think about the pledge that you made to the one that you married. While the wording may have been a little different, it was something like the following.

I take you to be my lawfully wedded wife, my constant friend, my faithful partner and my love from this day forward. In the presence of God, our family, our friends and these witnesses, I offer you my solemn vow to be your faithful husband, to love you, comfort you, honor and keep you, in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer, for better, for worse, in sadness and in joy, to cherish and continually bestow upon you my heart’s deepest devotion, forsaking all others, being faithful and keep myself only unto you as long as we both shall live.

Your vows may not have been the same or as long, but the intention was there and you can’t tell me that on your wedding day and perhaps even today the intentions of your heart to fulfill what is written above is not still there. This is one of your wife’s deepest needs and desires is to know that you are going to be that loyal, faithful, true spouse that will never leave and never forsake her for someone else. There is no other need in your wife’s life besides God that can come so close to her heart because if you take away your loyalty and leave her always wondering if you are coming home to her than her love for you will, as the Bible says, grow cold (Matthew 24:12). The reason is that your wife is not supposed to be treated as a trophy that you come and visit when you feel the need or feel like polishing every once in a while. You need to remember that God joined you and melted you together into one flesh and her need and desire is to be with you and spend time with you and just feel your love exuding from your being into hers. A genuine honest love that comes from a deep seed desire within your heart to spend the rest of your life pleasing your wife.

Years ago, before we had our problems, my wife and I would get into fights and toss around the words “leaving” “divorce” and “separate” when we were mad. We did not really deep down desire to do these things as much as we desired to get the other ones attention or strike a bit of pain into them. But we tossed those words around almost like they were nothing, just words right. Wrong!

And

Our words have power and when you continually use negative words to energize your marriage, then you will reap what you have sown. And I should know. When the ceiling comes crashing down and the sky falls on your head, you realize just how insignificant your words are. In fact, one of the things that Gary and Gina told us when we began to rebuild our marriage back up from the ashes was that we had to throw those words away and make a commitment to not only never use those words but to never think those thoughts. We had to make a commitment to each other that we were indeed in this marriage for the long haul and no matter how tough or how difficult it got we would at the very least find ourselves still together. In other words, I had to commit to my wife that I would be loyal no matter what. I can tell you that the devil put that to the test with some really tough struggles after that, but once we got through them our marriage began to flourish like never before. And the reason is because one of my wife’s (and yours too) basic needs, the need for loyalty, was being met.

Another basic need of your wife is the need for security. You will notice in the passage above that if a man does not work he does not eat and if he has a wife and a family then that wife and family does not eat lest someone take pity on them. This is not the way that God intends for the family to be nor is it what your wife deserves. In fact, your wife deserves to be taken care of in fine style, after all she is the one whom the Lord has picked out of all the people on the earth to be your bride and queen (remember you are a king, Revelation 1:6). This is why God warns us to not be undisciplined and to keep away from undisciplined people because bad company will corrupt good morals (1 Corinthians 15:33).

Your wife needs, and I can’t say this strong enough, absolutely needs you to work hard at your job to provide a home for her and your children and even an inheritance (Proverbs 13:22). This does not mean that you are to work such that you sacrifice all your time and are never home. Your wife does not need a fifty room mansion. She needs you more than money and if you are working hard and honoring your wife and God, God will prosper your ways (Hebrews 11:6, Jeremiah 29:11, Psalm 37:11, Deuteronomy 28:11, Philippians 4:19, etc). However, it takes money to survive in this world and therefore you will need to work to provide. This means that you will need to be at a stable job and not hopping from one place to another. You will need to get benefits to provide insurance for children if you have them. You will need to take care of the needs that arise in running a home. Don’t be deceived into thinking you need to do this alone because God has given you a wife to work with you in all of these things remembering that God created woman, Eve, because man, Adam, had not helper (Genesis 2:18). Therefore, you would be foolish to not make use of the helper that God has provided in your own home. However, remember she is the helper and not the main bread winner for that is your function as the head of the household (Genesis 3:16, Ephesians 5:16). But you need to be working and providing so that you wife can be secure and have security in knowing that she has a home that she can not lose.

Some time ago, I was on my way home from work and I spotted a homeless man on the corner. God told me to stop and get him some food which I did. I bought a bunch of cheeseburgers and brought them to the man. Moments after I did this, he called over his friends, all of whom were homeless, and I immediately had a gathering of people who wanted to know why I was helping them. I told them that God told me to help them and I shared about Jesus. Most of them just nodded their heads and then went away with a full belly for at least the night. But there was one couple who was there that God had a divine appointment for because they had been on the streets for some time and the wife was at her wits end due to the lack of security. When all was said and done, God got them off of the streets and into an apartment and got the wife a certificate from a trade school so that she could always be employable. The husband was disabled and got actually on disability to receive a monthly check. Now they are living in an apartment and have a car and no one can take it away and when you see her now she is glowing, a much different person because God, her ultimate husband, provided her security (Philippians 4:19, Ephesians 3:20).

Security in your marriage is essential to your survival. You must provide for your wife and make sure that she feels like she will never lose her home. Understand that there can come times when a lay off happens and you must unite in prayer as you search for a new job. But it can never become a habit for the husband to not be working or else the potential for the wife to be unhappy because of an unmet need is high. This is especially true when there are children in the marriage because I have almost never met a wife and mother who does not want to stay home and be a major part of raising their children and molding them into the adults they will become. Even if they have to work because the husband’s salary is not enough, they still yearn and desire to be that major player in their life. And that is never possible if the husband is not working and providing the wife with the security that she needs.

Loyalty and security go hand and hand in a marriage and are two basic needs that almost all wives have of their husbands. The ironic thing is that many times this is not something that is directly spoken about. I realize that couples talk all the time, but the deep needs of the spouses are not usually spoken about and it leads to unmet expectations and disappointment which can lead to fighting, anger, frustration and even ultimately affairs, separation and divorce. I have seen this in my own life where my not understanding my wife’s basic needs even though in my mind I was doing everything for her was actually pushing her away. But once I understood what her needs were, I was able to make changes needed to save my marriage and make my wife happy.

I would like to encourage every husband out there that is reading this to be loyal to your wife and make sure she knows it and not by your telling her but by your showing her. Work hard at your job to provide for your wife the security she needs to know that you are providing a home for your family. This is of utmost importance to your wife and her basic needs and will help to propel your marriage to the next level.

Next time I will be focusing on some aspects of the husband that every wife needs to know about. It is a post that every couple needs to know.

Love in Christ.

The Marriage Series (so far):

• Part 1 : Marriages – Introduction

• Part 2 : Marriages – Two Shall Become One Flesh

• Part 3 : Marriages – The Role of a Lifetime

• Part 4 : Marriages – The Authority of the Spouse

• Part 5 : Marriages – Hearing Do You Understand

• Part 6 : Marriages – Sex, Wait, That is in the Bible

• Part 7 : Marriages – The Addition of Children

Continuing in the series on marriage, I want to discuss the important topic of children within the marriage because there is much misunderstanding in our world as to the role of children and their importance and their place. Hopefully when I am finished, you will have a clear understand of how God sees children.

The world view on children is often times backwards to how God sees them. Many families live the whole lives centered on the children while their marriages slowly erode into nothing until one day when their children move out to discover lives of their own their parents discovers they no longer know each other. This is not God’s plan or design. Hidden within this worldly view is the concept that children are a burden and overwhelming responsibility that one must endure and struggle through eighteen years, more if they go to college, and only hope that somehow their painfully long plight was worth something in the end. How many times have you heard people complaining about having to pay for something for their children because for them struggling to raise kids the worlds way is just not providing them with the joy that they should be receiving. And this does not even begin to touch upon the countless families who dread the so called horrors of the teenage years because they have been told their kids will rebel and there will be a form of hell to suffer through. And much of this revolves around this concept of attempting to live the family life around the children and including them in the family structure as equals as if they were little adults even when they can barely speak. Nothing can be further from God’s plan for the family and for children.

To begin looking what God had in mind, we must start with the idea that children are a gift and a blessing from God.

As we have been talking about through this entire study, unless the Lord is the center of your family, then all your work is in vain because only God can bless, protect and provide for your family when everything else in this world fails. When your jobs lays you off and the bills are still due and there is no one to help you out, God can still take care of you and this is why it says that God must be the center of the family. Not the children, not the husband, not the wife, but God and God alone. And think about that for a moment. God knows all things(1 John 3:20) and is everywhere(Psalm 139:7-10) and owns the cattle on a thousand hills (Psalm 50:10) and owns the whole Earth and (Psalm 24:1). In addition, he knows the future and knows you better than you know yourself. Why wouldn’t you want him to be the center of your family and the one who makes the decisions that are best for your family? It really is the logical choice.

In verse 3 of Psalm 127, we see that children are a gift from the Lord and in verse 5 we see that we are blessed to have them. Therefore, children cannot ever be a burden or an overwhelming responsibility when they are a beautiful gift sent down from God above. And we know the following:

If children are a gift and a blessing, and they are, and every good thing and perfect gift is from God, then we can see how children no matter how many or how expensive or how trying can never be are never burdens or overwhelming responsibilities. Instead, they are a joy and a blessing in which God has decided in his infinite wisdom to bestow upon you. You may not always be on the same page as God and not understand the timing or how you will be able to afford the children, but that is not for you to worry about because God promises that they are a gift and a blessing and when has a gift ever been something to worry about. In fact, God specifically tells us not to worry about things in his word (Philippians 4:6).

If the Lord is the center of the family and children are a gift, how then is the family to be structured? This is a good question and one that I believe I have an illustration to help with. Imagine a series of concentric circles like a bulls-eye target. This target represents your family. The very center ring, the bulls-eye, is the Lord and the center of everything for everyone. The next ring out is the marriage, or the husband and wife. Remember that these two are as one and are united with the Lord which is why they are closest to him in the family. The next ring out is the children because they are gift given to the husband and wife and meant to be a blessing and a joy. They are not on the same ring as the husband and wife because one day they will grow up and move out and have their own target ring family. In addition, they are in a process of growing and learning and maturing and not able to make the experienced wise choices that a Godly husband and wife can. Therefore, they should be on an outer ring to the marriage circle. The next ring out would include extended family, or relatives, like your parents, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, etc. Remember even though you moved out and got marriage and started your own target ring, you are still connected to your old family and they are still part of your life. They have just moved from nurturing primary care givers to more of a coaching role as your family grows. And you would be wise to utilize their knowledge and experience as counsel. The next ring out would be any close friends you have that are like family to you. This is where the world and God separate in a large way because the world will tell you that it is alright to keep your close and best friends closer to you than your spouse. However, if your spouse is not your best friend you are asking for trouble and issues.

It is important to remember that children are a welcomed gift and blessing that is an addition to the family marriage, but they are never the center and never in the middle of the married couple. If you think of this model as you as think about things within the family like authority, decisions, responsibility, influence, etc, it will help you keep all things in a Godly perspective. For example, looking at the target ring of your family, God has the ultimate authority with your family followed by the married coupled and then the children. Of course, there are microcosm within each like the fact that the husband is the head of the household and the oldest child will have more authority than the youngest, but this gives you the basic model and illustrates the most important point that children are a welcome addition to the family, but not the center nor to interfere with the relationship of the couple. Another example, if a decision is to be made, the first person whom the decision making falls to is the Lord and then the married couple. Here is where the world and the Godly family separate. The world will tell you that children should have an equal partnership in the decisions of the household. This is unwise for many reasons one of which is the simple fact that children do not possess the experience or the maturity to understand the decision that needs to be made. They may select an option based on their favorite color or because there is a McDonald’s next door instead of using wisdom. And this does not even count the fact that children will grow up and become their own family thus leaving their parents meaning they, through no fault or malice intention, do not have a fully vested interested in the completeness of each and every decision that is made. That said, if your children are at least in their teens and are on fire for Jesus Christ there is no harm in hearing their opinions because a wise man listens to all counsel (Proverbs 11:14, Proverbs 24:6), but you are merely gaining their opinion and not using it as a vote towards a decision. The decision is to be made between the Lord, the husband and the wife ONLY. This may sound harsh, but this is what is best for you and your family.

This brings me to another point and that is the subject of “Mommy and Daddy time.” Children are a blessing and a gift and to be enjoyed, but not every minute of every day. If you were to do that, the sacrifice on your marriage would be extreme to the point where one day you might find yourself in a divorce court. You MUST make time for yourself every day if at all possible and if not then at least every other day. It does not have to be much time. At least fifteen minutes of time to sit or lay in bed talking will do. And this is to be uninterrupted time with no kids just the husband and wife sitting or laying and talking with each other and praying with and for one another. This time is invaluable to the relationship and a must if you are to survive in this day and age when there are so many things pulling at your day and your marriage. The children must be made aware that this time is set aside for their parent’s relationship and they are not to interrupt unless there is a dire emergency the likes of the house being on fire. And if they interrupt without an emergency, then punishments MUST be given and followed through to teach them that mommy and daddy need their time and they are serious about it. However, I have found that most children, even young ones seem to have a God given understanding that their parents need to have time to talk. I cannot stress this enough that this time is not meant for physical intimacy, but emotional and mental intimacy where you are talking about your day, sharing your dreams, sharing your desires, talking about your plans for the future both long term and short term. This time will breed and breathe health into your marriage like nothing else short of God himself.

An interesting note, if you have not already noticed, children have radar. If you are about to become physically intimate with your spouse and there is any chance that a child can interrupt, they will. They could all be happy or asleep or even at a friend’s house and then you decide to close your door and lock it and have some quality physical intimacy and their little radar goes off and suddenly they will need you and only you with great urgency. I have seen this over and over and over again. We could have just sat them down with all the snacks they want and a two hour movie and instructed the older children we were going for a “nap” and closed and locked the door. We would just be getting into our moment when the knock would happen. We could have laid in our room for thirty minutes to be sure that the coast was clear, but just moments after starting, that is when the radar goes off and suddenly the desperate pounding and screams at the door come. This is one of the reasons that I mention it is most important for you to separate the mommy and daddy time that you need every day from your physical intimacy, which we may like every day but don’t need. Because I have found I can talk with my wife for hours, but the moment we decide to become intimate, the radar fires off and we have little ones who suddenly want our immediate company.

In fact, there was one time when our oldest was about four years old that we wanted to become intimate. We had made sure the whole house was secure and sat the two of them down with their favorite movie and snacks. We then went to the bedroom which was within hearing distance of the living room (small apartment). The first knock came moments after we entered the room as they asked if they could have an apple. We said yes because our oldest had apples regularly and we thought nothing of it. We waited to see because we were expecting another knock and one did not come. We decided to move forward and just as we were about to really try to get into the moment a furious set of knocks came at the door with the following statement, “Katie is bleeding!” Well that got our attention and of course broke any mood we could have hoped for. So, we threw on clothes and dashed out to the living room. The scene was what looked like a parent’s nightmare in that there seemed to be blood everywhere. In her little hands was a sharp knife which we are still not sure how she got since we had child safety locks. Immediately, my wife went into action as I tried to get out of them what happened. Apparently, after asking for the apple, Katie went and got the apple and the sharp knife and proceeded to try and be “Mommy” and cut the apple. After several failed attempts she finally succeeded in cutting something, herself. It would be several more moments before our other child would come and tell us about it. As I was preparing myself for a hospital visit, my wife was feverishly cleaning our child and trying to find where the blood was coming from. Ironically, she had only one small cut on the tip of one of her fingers that looked like a small paper cut. But boy did it bleed just about everywhere. I am still surprised at the amount of blood that poured out that little cut and perhaps because I was shocked it seemed like more. I am not sure, but it sure was a mess. In this instance, I was glad for the knock, but it does illustrate how kids have radar and will find that moment to get into something that will cause them to be knocking at your door the moment you are trying to be intimate.

In addition to daily time together to talk, you must have a date night at least once every two weeks where just the two of you go out and enjoy time together. It does not have to cost much. It could be a picnic lunch you take to the park. Just time that the two of you are spending together talking, and yes this means that a movie is out unless you are going to dinner as well. You need to be able to talk and enjoy each other’s company. Think back to when you were dating and how much you longed for the next moment you would spend together. You need this time together for the health and happiness of your home. And when this is happening, you will find that your kids are happier and healthier because they respond well adjusted and happy parents.

This brings me to the subject of disciple:

Yes, you read that verse right. He who withholds, or does not discipline, his son/daughter hates his child. The reason is very straightforward. A child is in the process of growing and during that process will test and push at the boundaries and limits that the parents set. This is normal because they are learning that there are some lines that are not to be crossed. They need to know that there are boundaries and that those boundaries are enforced. When this is done, then your children learn what is right and wrong. If they behave wrongly then they should be punished and disciplined to gain knowledge and grow. If they behave rightly then they should be rewarded and praised. When this is done the child learns to behave properly and gains a sense of self worth and importance and will become well adjusted to society and their sets of rules and laws. However, if we as parents do not enforce those boundaries and spare the rod of discipline for whatever reason (typically because it is either too difficult on us or we just love our kids too much to see them momentarily suffering the discipline) then we are not teaching them the foundations that will lead to becoming well adjusted and having a sense of self worth and importance. If children who become adults don’t have those things then they are liable to become deviants of one kind or another and this is what we are seeing in our society today as we are reaping the sowing of decades of telling parents not to discipline their children. Setting boundaries, rules and laws that your kids need to abide by and a set of disciplinary actions that you will enforce if they do not can only lead to them becoming better people. Do not deprive your children of this.

Love must be the override key to everything that you do with your children. There can be no substitute. Remember that God is love (1 John 4:8) and that we are called to love one another (John 13:35) and that includes your children. This should come naturally and should be obvious. But our children know how to push our buttons and say and do just the right things to set us off. This is normal, but we must never let that phase us out of operating in constant love towards them. If there is ever a moment, especially if they have done something wrong, where your temperature is boiling and you know you are about to operate in anger or rage or frustration and not in love. The best thing you can do is send them to their room until you cool down. Because if you do not and you operate in anything other than love, the damage you do to them might not be reversible and in the end it is just not worth it. Take a moment if you need it, they can wait for their punishment.

And that brings me to my last point on this topic and that is that you must be your children’s biggest fan because the world certainly will not be. I can’t tell you how many parents I have listened to who have spoken ill of their children. I realize that your child may never win a noble prize, but that does not mean that at least in your eyes you shouldn’t see them as capable of doing so. Make no mistake, there is very little chance that anyone else will believe in them let alone be part of their fan club which is why you need to be. They need to know that they can count on you for support. In our household, we do not tolerate dishonesty and my children know it. So, when they come home and tell me that there is something wrong, I take it seriously and go to the school and go to bat for them. The reason is that I am their biggest fan. I believe in them unequivocally and know that they are the best. And you know what, my kids rise to that occasion every time. When children see you loving them even in discipline and see you caring for them and believing in them and being their biggest fan and even going to bat for them, they rise above the rest and fulfill all that you are speaking about them. On the flip side, if you are not doing those things and speaking ill of them, they sink to below the rest and fulfill all that you are speaking about them. So, if they are going to fulfill your very words that you speak about them why not speak the very best.

I hope that this gives you some insight into what God desires you to do as a Godly parent to raise Godly children. Next time I will be focusing on some aspects of the wife that every husband needs to know about. It is a post that every couple needs to know.

Love in Christ.

The Marriage Series (so far):

• Part 1 : Marriages – Introduction

• Part 2 : Marriages – Two Shall Become One Flesh

• Part 3 : Marriages – The Role of a Lifetime

• Part 4 : Marriages – The Authority of the Spouse

• Part 5 : Marriages – Hearing Do You Understand

• Part 6 : Marriages – Sex, Wait, That is in the Bible

Continuing in the series on marriage, I want to discuss the topic of sex. Yes, you heard me correctly. I am want to discuss the topic of sex because to begin with it is a gift from God. Trey Morgan, a Pastor in Childress TX, did a great sermon on this topic back on April 8th, 2009, and it would be worth a listen too. I will be borrowing some from his sermon while adding a bunch of my own.

To begin with, as I mentioned, sex is a gift from God that is meant to be shared between two married people only. The way that we know this is the following:

And

As we can see, both fornicators (people who have sex outside of marriage) and adulterers (people who have sex inside of marriage with someone other than their spouse) will be judged by God and not inherit the kingdom of God. That is pretty harsh since in order to get to heaven we need to be able to inherit the kingdom. Therefore, it is obvious that God desired that sex be only for those in marriage. But we can see that for those in marriage, sex, or the marriage bed, should be held in honor and the reason is because it was given as a gift from God.

And

God created Adam and saw that there was no one for him. He then created Eve starting with a rib from Adam. And when he brought Eve to him, Adam was amazed at what he saw and this is when he said called her woman or as I like to think he called her Whoa-Man. Taking this into full account, we can see that when God created them, he told them to be fruitful and multiply. To put that in today’s terms, God told Adam and Eve to have sex, because it was a gift from God, and have children. When God created them, it was a natural and good act for them to enjoy with each other as a gift from God that would also fulfill the command to multiply. It is important to note that back in the Garden it was not something that was dirty or nasty or hidden. It was only after the fall when they needed clothing and sin had entered mankind that sex began to become something more than a precious gift from God.

We need to understand that before the fall of mankind, Adam and Eve were walking in the Garden naked and sex and multiplying were not something to be ashamed of because they were not ashamed at all. In fact, they were freely moving in God’s gift that he had bestowed on them and enjoying each other as a married couple should. Only after sin entered mankind and they became ashamed of their nakedness and they were expelled from the Garden did the natural act of sex become something a bit more. And from that moment until now, the enemy has done a great job twisting the concept of what God designed to be shared between a husband and wife. In fact, there is really nothing new under the sun.

People think that widespread homosexuality, fornication and adultery are new, but it is not. In fact, King David of Israel had issues dealing with adultery, for example. And I am not just talking about the fact that he had concubines, but the problem he had with Bathsheba. David had seen her one night bathing and he lusted after her (2 Samuel 11:1-2). This was his first problem, but it did not stop there. He then called her and had sex with her because he was the king, but it didn’t stop there because she got pregnant. Did David do the right thing? No, he called her husband to come back from war to sleep with his wife, but he would not. So, David sent him back out and told his commander to put him in the front line so that he would die (2 Samuel 11:15). In other words, David committed adultery and caused Bathsheba to do the same and then became an accessory to the murder of her husband and eventually took her as another wife (2 Samuel 11:27). And all of this was for sex, perverted sex because of the fact that sin entered mankind back in the Garden.

That is the bad side, and just the beginning of the bad side, but this is a study on marriages and how sex is a gift and a joy for those who are married. One of the places in the Bible that you can really see this concept of sex and enjoying your spouse is in the book of Song of Solomon. This book is filled with the conversations between The Lover (Solomon), The Beloved (Solomon’s wife) and The Beloved’s Friend and the words between The Lover and The Beloved can get quite spicey. I will let you be the judge.

And

And

As I said, spicey stuff, but that is because this is part of a conversation between a husband and wife and they are talking about the fact that they are in love and enjoy each other and the gift of sex that God has given us. In fact, this book mentions several times to not arouse the lover until the wife is ready to be pleasing.

As you can see, the Beloved, or the wife, is telling her friends not to arouse or awaken her love until she is ready to be pleasing to him. Now, you can take this several ways, but with all the seeming references to sex and enjoying one another in this book, I believe that the Beloved is saying not to arouse her husband until she is ready to be pleasing in intimate sexual relations. How is that for Scripture? God has a place where he is demonstrating for us the concepts of a good and solid marriage where the two are so in love and enamored with each other that they spend their time pleasing each other with both words and physical contact. This is why I say that sex is a gift from God both for our enjoyment and for the fulfilling of multiplying and filling the earth.

God tells us to be enraptured, captivated, intoxicated, and fully encapsulated by the love of the wife of our youth. The reason he states it that way is because God, in his infinite wisdom, knew we would be a depraved race and seek divorce and remarry. But he desires that we be enraptured by the wife of our youth; our first wife that God joined us to and mixed us into one can of paint with. Just look at the verses above and think about what God is calling us to do and empowering us to be. As a husband, I see the above verse and know that if I allow God to be God in my life he will always empower me to see my wife in new and exciting ways that will keep me wanting to come back for more. And speaking from experience and eighteen years of marriage, I can say that God has continued to do just that.

In fact, given this verse, I can see how my wife should be the standard of beauty in my life. She should be the standard by which all others are measured and all others fall short against. My wife should be the single most beautiful woman on the planet to me because God is enrapturing me to her and drawing me to her body and blessing me like a fountain because of it. When I see other woman around town or on television, I should see all of them as less than my wife because my wife sets the standard by which all other woman must be measured and she sets the bar high because God has empowered her to satisfy me at all times with a holy connection that began when he mixed us into one can of gray paint. And so far, I have yet to find a woman (not that I am looking) that comes even close to measuring up to my wife and I know now that by God there will never be one, and that is the way it should be.

I hope that this has helped you get a better insight into a topic that is admittedly tough to talk about because there is so much perversion and misunderstanding both inside and outside of the church on this topic. Next post, I will discuss how children fit into the perfect picture of your marriage. Stay tuned.

Love in Christ.

The Marriage Series (so far):

• Part 1 : Marriages – Introduction

• Part 2 : Marriages – Two Shall Become One Flesh

• Part 3 : Marriages – The Role of a Lifetime

• Part 4 : Marriages – The Authority of the Spouse

• Part 5 : Marriages – Hearing Do You Understand

Continuing in the series on marriage, I want to discuss the single most basic and foundational stone to any marriage and that is the subject of communication. Many marriages have been lost over the misunderstanding and misconceptions that if they had learned the art of true communication they could have been saved. In fact, the concept of speaking and hearing and not being understood is such a big topic that even Jesus mentioned it concerning his parables.

Of course, in this case, Jesus was intentionally speaking in parables that he knew they would be able to later understand with the power and gift of the Holy Spirit and in a marriage the misunderstandings are not so intentional. However, this does drive home just how widespread this problem is and how easily we all fall trap to it. It also illustrates the underlying need of every marriage to have God and the Holy Spirit deeply involved that can help to clear up and avoid many misunderstandings and open each spouses ears and heart to the other.

Late 1993, my wife and I were trying to have a baby. My wife had a condition that made getting pregnant basically impossible and we were told not to expect anything. We were even told that with this condition we could not have children at all, but our doctor decided to put us on drugs and charting and being intimate with each other to see if perhaps God had a different plan. Late December, we were in the office for a checkup following months of my wife not ovulating, which means not even a chance for pregnancy to even occur. The doctor walked into the room as we were waiting and said, “Well, it is a maybe.” I was excited that maybe, just maybe my wife finally ovulated because once we could get her to do that we were just a few steps away from possibly being pregnant. So, I asked him what the next step was and he informed us that we needed to get a blood test done. At this point, being frustrated and frazzled over all the charting and trying, I said, “If we could tell by blood test then why were doing all those temperature charts?” The doctor looked at me like I was from mars and asked, “What are you talking about?” I said, “About the fact you think my wife ovulated.” He responded, “I think she might be pregnant!” You could have pushed me over with a feather due to the shock of that statement and the overwhelming joy that was flooding me with possibility. As God would have it, this would be the first of four times my wife would be pregnant and we would only lose one of them which we will meet one day in heaven as he or she is waiting there with Jesus for us.

This example illustrates just how a miscommunication can take place. The doctor thought we were on the same page with him, but after months of charting and trying we, or at least I, was not and it caused a misunderstanding. Fortunately in this case, this misunderstanding was cleared up in a matter of moments. Most misunderstands last much longer to even months and years and for some a lifetime and the really sad part is that it is all a work of the enemy to destroy relationships.

True communication is absolutely needed for any marriage that desires to survive in this world. But for true communication to work it must have several components. Those components are honesty, trust, belief and friendship.

Without honesty in a marriage, there will never ever be freedom in your marriage. To put it another way, your marriage will always be in bondage to the lies and secrets that are kept when honesty and truth are not the bases of your communication and where does lying come from? It comes from the father of lies the devil (John 8:44). Remember that the devil comes only to steal, kill and destroy (John 10:10) and every secret from stealing a cookie from the cookie jar to an affair will steal from your marriage, kill part of your marriage and destroy part of your marriage and keep you in bondage to the enemy until he succeeds in completely destroying it. And make no mistake; the enemy is not out for your interests. If you have a secret, he will find the most inopportune time and the most inopportune way to reveal it and cause the most damage and destruction to your marriage. Just look around at some of the people who have had their marriages destroyed around you because of secrets and see what I mean. Honesty has to be the basis for all communication and the truth must be known between the spouses. There should be nothing that is unknown by your spouse about you. There should be nothing your spouse does not have access to; no email, instant message, cell phone, or any other account or anything that you spouse does not have full access to. It is the only way that you will ensure not only the best in honest communication but keep the temptations of the enemy away from trying to destroy your marriage.

Once honesty and truth have been established in your communication with your spouse, trust should follow because it is a natural extension of honest communication. For example, if your spouse is always honest with you and your marriage is thriving and doing well and they go out to the store and take three hours then you should trust them that they are not doing something they should not be and not give them the third degree when they walk in the door. Yes, there is a point if they are gone long that concern for their safety might come in and you might wonder if the car broke down, but don’t let that be an excuse to grill your spouse about where they were because you really didn’t trust them. Trust has to become a basis in your communication and it only flows from honesty and truth.

If your communication is filled with honesty, truth and trust the next step is belief. You would be surprised how many couples do not believe in their spouses. They do not see them as all that God sees them as and many times only sees their failures and faults instead of their gifts and anointings. I can remember back when I finished Community College and was looking where to go next. If I returned to the local four year college, because of past mistakes, I would take my high honors grade point average and drop it almost to failing. I only saw that college as an option and was getting depressed. My wife saw me as much more and much more than I saw myself. She said to me, “If you are going to do this and we are going to pay for it, then why don’t you go for something you want even if we have to move.” I expressed that I was not sure if I could do it and my wife told me that she believed in me. I can’t tell you how much that lifted my spirits and my head and drove me to look for the college that God wanted me at. The one I would eventually graduate from with Highest Honors. And all of that was because my wife saw God’s giftings and anointings in me and not what I saw in me or even what I was saying. She believed in me even when I did not and she lifted me up and raised me, along with God, to where God wanted me to be, and none of that would have happened if she did not believe in me. This is why the Bible says that love believes all things in one another and this is one thing that our world desperately needs. We need belief in one another again and the place we need it most is in our marriages. What better place to begin to see people for what God has created them to be than in the one place where God has mixed two together into one flesh. But believe it or not it is easy to believe in someone when they are open, honest, truthful and trusting in their communication with you because God will open them up like a book to you and you will not only see what they tell you but as God has mixed you into one flesh that openness will open the connection in the spirit and you will see what God has giving them. And when you can see what God has placed within them, it becomes very easy to believe in them.

If you are being open, honest, truthful and believing in your communication then your spouse will become your best friend and this is the desire of God. Because your best and closest friend shares your deepest thoughts and secrets and desires and dreams and no one on this planet should take that place besides your spouse. Our world tells us that marriage is disposable so we best keep things to ourselves and our best friends are closer to us than our spouses, but that is nothing further from God’s design on marriage and the design that provides and had a proven track record for providing long lasting relationships. My wife is probably the absolute best at this. From the very beginning, and almost our first date, she laid out everything I would need to know about her past and then basically said if this is a problem then there is no need to continue. From that day to this, with the minor exception of a short period during our seventh year of marriage, she has kept that same motto and always been open, honest, truthful, and my best friend. And I can tell you from experience that when this happens, it makes you desire to be together. We have been together for 18 years and I still can’t wait to get home to her from work because she is my best friend in the whole world. Your spouse spends a lot of time with you, or at least they should. Being your best friend should be only a natural extension of everything else that is happening in your life including the fact that God has joined you into one flesh.

No matter where you are with communication in your marriage, it is never too late. If you have secrets don’t let the enemy trick you into thinking you have to keep them. God tells us in his word that every secret thing WILL become known whether by the enemy’s plans or by God’s. The truth is that your secret will become known. The real travesty is that whatever it is that you are keeping from your spouse is slowly stealing, killing and destroying your marriage until one day you will wake up and find that your spouse has left or the enemy is convincing you that there is no point in continuing and all because of a secret. Revealing the secret may be painful. It was not easy in my marriage to reveal the affair and it took a long time to heal and reconcile from that secret. But once the secret was out, the enemy had no more power over us. Many times one secret will wind up leading to another and to another and before you know it you are in way over your head. Sin, and a secret is a sin, will always take you farther than you want to go. Start your true communication and begin with the truth and honesty. It may hurt and you may be surprised at the secrets your spouse has, but hold fast to God and trust in him to help you heal and reconcile because I know firsthand that God can walk you through anything to the healing on the other side. And if your communication is doing great, praise God and look for people to help. I have found that God will always draw people in need to those who have learned his truths from the Word so that they can teach and reach and help others to heal.

I hope that today’s topic has helped you in some way. The next post I will be talking about the one subject that seems to make the most people gasp and squirm in church and that topic is sex. Stay tuned and see what God has to say on the subject.

Love in Christ.

The Marriage Series (so far):

• Part 1 : Marriages – Introduction

• Part 2 : Marriages – Two Shall Become One Flesh

• Part 3 : Marriages – The Role of a Lifetime

• Part 4 : Marriages – The Authority of the Spouse