Continuing in the series on marriage, I want to discuss the single most basic and foundational stone to any marriage and that is the subject of communication. Many marriages have been lost over the misunderstanding and misconceptions that if they had learned the art of true communication they could have been saved. In fact, the concept of speaking and hearing and not being understood is such a big topic that even Jesus mentioned it concerning his parables.

Of course, in this case, Jesus was intentionally speaking in parables that he knew they would be able to later understand with the power and gift of the Holy Spirit and in a marriage the misunderstandings are not so intentional. However, this does drive home just how widespread this problem is and how easily we all fall trap to it. It also illustrates the underlying need of every marriage to have God and the Holy Spirit deeply involved that can help to clear up and avoid many misunderstandings and open each spouses ears and heart to the other.

Late 1993, my wife and I were trying to have a baby. My wife had a condition that made getting pregnant basically impossible and we were told not to expect anything. We were even told that with this condition we could not have children at all, but our doctor decided to put us on drugs and charting and being intimate with each other to see if perhaps God had a different plan. Late December, we were in the office for a checkup following months of my wife not ovulating, which means not even a chance for pregnancy to even occur. The doctor walked into the room as we were waiting and said, “Well, it is a maybe.” I was excited that maybe, just maybe my wife finally ovulated because once we could get her to do that we were just a few steps away from possibly being pregnant. So, I asked him what the next step was and he informed us that we needed to get a blood test done. At this point, being frustrated and frazzled over all the charting and trying, I said, “If we could tell by blood test then why were doing all those temperature charts?” The doctor looked at me like I was from mars and asked, “What are you talking about?” I said, “About the fact you think my wife ovulated.” He responded, “I think she might be pregnant!” You could have pushed me over with a feather due to the shock of that statement and the overwhelming joy that was flooding me with possibility. As God would have it, this would be the first of four times my wife would be pregnant and we would only lose one of them which we will meet one day in heaven as he or she is waiting there with Jesus for us.

This example illustrates just how a miscommunication can take place. The doctor thought we were on the same page with him, but after months of charting and trying we, or at least I, was not and it caused a misunderstanding. Fortunately in this case, this misunderstanding was cleared up in a matter of moments. Most misunderstands last much longer to even months and years and for some a lifetime and the really sad part is that it is all a work of the enemy to destroy relationships.

True communication is absolutely needed for any marriage that desires to survive in this world. But for true communication to work it must have several components. Those components are honesty, trust, belief and friendship.

Without honesty in a marriage, there will never ever be freedom in your marriage. To put it another way, your marriage will always be in bondage to the lies and secrets that are kept when honesty and truth are not the bases of your communication and where does lying come from? It comes from the father of lies the devil (John 8:44). Remember that the devil comes only to steal, kill and destroy (John 10:10) and every secret from stealing a cookie from the cookie jar to an affair will steal from your marriage, kill part of your marriage and destroy part of your marriage and keep you in bondage to the enemy until he succeeds in completely destroying it. And make no mistake; the enemy is not out for your interests. If you have a secret, he will find the most inopportune time and the most inopportune way to reveal it and cause the most damage and destruction to your marriage. Just look around at some of the people who have had their marriages destroyed around you because of secrets and see what I mean. Honesty has to be the basis for all communication and the truth must be known between the spouses. There should be nothing that is unknown by your spouse about you. There should be nothing your spouse does not have access to; no email, instant message, cell phone, or any other account or anything that you spouse does not have full access to. It is the only way that you will ensure not only the best in honest communication but keep the temptations of the enemy away from trying to destroy your marriage.

Once honesty and truth have been established in your communication with your spouse, trust should follow because it is a natural extension of honest communication. For example, if your spouse is always honest with you and your marriage is thriving and doing well and they go out to the store and take three hours then you should trust them that they are not doing something they should not be and not give them the third degree when they walk in the door. Yes, there is a point if they are gone long that concern for their safety might come in and you might wonder if the car broke down, but don’t let that be an excuse to grill your spouse about where they were because you really didn’t trust them. Trust has to become a basis in your communication and it only flows from honesty and truth.

If your communication is filled with honesty, truth and trust the next step is belief. You would be surprised how many couples do not believe in their spouses. They do not see them as all that God sees them as and many times only sees their failures and faults instead of their gifts and anointings. I can remember back when I finished Community College and was looking where to go next. If I returned to the local four year college, because of past mistakes, I would take my high honors grade point average and drop it almost to failing. I only saw that college as an option and was getting depressed. My wife saw me as much more and much more than I saw myself. She said to me, “If you are going to do this and we are going to pay for it, then why don’t you go for something you want even if we have to move.” I expressed that I was not sure if I could do it and my wife told me that she believed in me. I can’t tell you how much that lifted my spirits and my head and drove me to look for the college that God wanted me at. The one I would eventually graduate from with Highest Honors. And all of that was because my wife saw God’s giftings and anointings in me and not what I saw in me or even what I was saying. She believed in me even when I did not and she lifted me up and raised me, along with God, to where God wanted me to be, and none of that would have happened if she did not believe in me. This is why the Bible says that love believes all things in one another and this is one thing that our world desperately needs. We need belief in one another again and the place we need it most is in our marriages. What better place to begin to see people for what God has created them to be than in the one place where God has mixed two together into one flesh. But believe it or not it is easy to believe in someone when they are open, honest, truthful and trusting in their communication with you because God will open them up like a book to you and you will not only see what they tell you but as God has mixed you into one flesh that openness will open the connection in the spirit and you will see what God has giving them. And when you can see what God has placed within them, it becomes very easy to believe in them.

If you are being open, honest, truthful and believing in your communication then your spouse will become your best friend and this is the desire of God. Because your best and closest friend shares your deepest thoughts and secrets and desires and dreams and no one on this planet should take that place besides your spouse. Our world tells us that marriage is disposable so we best keep things to ourselves and our best friends are closer to us than our spouses, but that is nothing further from God’s design on marriage and the design that provides and had a proven track record for providing long lasting relationships. My wife is probably the absolute best at this. From the very beginning, and almost our first date, she laid out everything I would need to know about her past and then basically said if this is a problem then there is no need to continue. From that day to this, with the minor exception of a short period during our seventh year of marriage, she has kept that same motto and always been open, honest, truthful, and my best friend. And I can tell you from experience that when this happens, it makes you desire to be together. We have been together for 18 years and I still can’t wait to get home to her from work because she is my best friend in the whole world. Your spouse spends a lot of time with you, or at least they should. Being your best friend should be only a natural extension of everything else that is happening in your life including the fact that God has joined you into one flesh.

No matter where you are with communication in your marriage, it is never too late. If you have secrets don’t let the enemy trick you into thinking you have to keep them. God tells us in his word that every secret thing WILL become known whether by the enemy’s plans or by God’s. The truth is that your secret will become known. The real travesty is that whatever it is that you are keeping from your spouse is slowly stealing, killing and destroying your marriage until one day you will wake up and find that your spouse has left or the enemy is convincing you that there is no point in continuing and all because of a secret. Revealing the secret may be painful. It was not easy in my marriage to reveal the affair and it took a long time to heal and reconcile from that secret. But once the secret was out, the enemy had no more power over us. Many times one secret will wind up leading to another and to another and before you know it you are in way over your head. Sin, and a secret is a sin, will always take you farther than you want to go. Start your true communication and begin with the truth and honesty. It may hurt and you may be surprised at the secrets your spouse has, but hold fast to God and trust in him to help you heal and reconcile because I know firsthand that God can walk you through anything to the healing on the other side. And if your communication is doing great, praise God and look for people to help. I have found that God will always draw people in need to those who have learned his truths from the Word so that they can teach and reach and help others to heal.

I hope that today’s topic has helped you in some way. The next post I will be talking about the one subject that seems to make the most people gasp and squirm in church and that topic is sex. Stay tuned and see what God has to say on the subject.

Love in Christ.

 

 

The Marriage Series (so far):

• Part 1 : Marriages – Introduction

• Part 2 : Marriages – Two Shall Become One Flesh

• Part 3 : Marriages – The Role of a Lifetime

• Part 4 : Marriages – The Authority of the Spouse

Tags: belief, believe, best, communication, destroy, doctor, friend, hearing, honesty, kill, marriage, misunderstanding, pregnant, secret, spouse, steal, true, trust, truth, understanding

This entry was posted on Saturday, April 18th, 2009 at 5:17 pm and is filed under Insights, Marriages, Studies. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.