Marriages – Men Exude Security and Loyalty
Continuing in the series on marriage, I want to focus on the men for a moment (next week it will be the ladies turn). The reason is that I am speaking to the husbands out there is that I want to zero in on some key concepts that I have learned and pass on that will help any man not only survive in his marriage, but to be able to foster a loving, caring, positively charged marriage that will be good for your morale, your spirit, your sexual relationship with your spouse, your interactions with other, and even help to inspire your children to be all that they can be. In other words, men don’t pass this over, you will need this information.
8 Deacons likewise must be men of dignity, not double-tongued, or addicted to much wine or fond of sordid gain,
9 but holding to the mystery of the faith with a clear conscience.
10 These men must also first be tested; then let them serve as deacons if they are beyond reproach.
11 Women must likewise be dignified, not malicious gossips, but temperate, faithful in all things.
12 Deacons must be husbands of only one wife, and good managers of their children and their own households.
13 For those who have served well as deacons obtain for themselves a high standing and great confidence in the faith that is in Christ Jesus.
- 1 Timothy 3:8-13
I realize that this passage refers to the character of leaders, but understand that God desires all men to be of this character and rise to the level that you could become leaders (Ephesians 4:1-16). Furthermore, your wife desires this character in you also. One of the most basic needs that your wife has and that you must portray to her is that you are loyal and not going anywhere. I realize that in our world divorce is rampant and we have come to place and time where there are now more people not married than married according to the latest polls. These times do not give you license and reason to treat your marriage as if one day you could dispose of it as you would the wrapper on a candy bar and grab the next one out of the box. No! These times instead reinforce the need for us as husbands to be loyal to our wives and be certain that we have assured them through more than just words that we are never going anywhere and we are here to stay.
13 “This is another thing you do: you cover the altar of the LORD with tears, with weeping and with groaning, because He no longer regards the offering or accepts it with favor from your hand.
14 “Yet you say, ‘For what reason?’ Because the LORD has been a witness between you and the wife of your youth, against whom you have dealt treacherously, though she is your companion and your wife by covenant.
15 “But not one has done so who has a remnant of the Spirit And what did that one do while he was seeking a godly offspring? Take heed then to your spirit, and let no one deal treacherously against the wife of your youth.
16 “For I hate divorce,” says the LORD, the God of Israel, “and him who covers his garment with wrong,” says the LORD of hosts. “So take heed to your spirit, that you do not deal treacherously.”
17 You have wearied the LORD with your words Yet you say, “How have we wearied Him?” In that you say, “Everyone who does evil is good in the sight of the LORD, and He delights in them,” or, “Where is the God of justice?”
- Malachi 2:13-17
You can see that God hates divorce and calls all who do not act with loyalty towards the “wife of your youth” as dealing in treachery. And to make this even more profound, the Lord says that you have wearied him with your cries and tears and words because of this disloyalty and he no longer regards your offerings as acceptable. That is a harsh word and think about that. If you have not been loyal to your wife than God says that you are treacherous and any offerings you bring before him no matter how much you cry and how many words you speak are no longer considered acceptable to him or finds favor from you. This means that God basically does not accept your attempts to appease him because you are not obeying him with your offerings and instead is commanding you to get right with him by returning to your wife in complete loyalty. This is the desire and will of God for every husband without exception.
10 An excellent wife, who can find? For her worth is far above jewels.
- Proverbs 31:10
Think back for a moment to the day that you got married. It was a joyous time that was shared by all. In that moment, when the priest (or justice of the peace) turned to you and read off the wedding vows, did you think to yourself that you were only saying those to get to the honeymoon and the bed? Did you think that you were not meaning these words because you really didn’t love your soon to be bride? Did you think that the brides maid looked better than your bride to be? No! None of these were true. In fact, in that moment there was no one on the planet that you would rather spend any single moment with than your bride to be. In fact, think about the pledge that you made to the one that you married. While the wording may have been a little different, it was something like the following.
I take you to be my lawfully wedded wife, my constant friend, my faithful partner and my love from this day forward. In the presence of God, our family, our friends and these witnesses, I offer you my solemn vow to be your faithful husband, to love you, comfort you, honor and keep you, in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer, for better, for worse, in sadness and in joy, to cherish and continually bestow upon you my heart’s deepest devotion, forsaking all others, being faithful and keep myself only unto you as long as we both shall live.
Your vows may not have been the same or as long, but the intention was there and you can’t tell me that on your wedding day and perhaps even today the intentions of your heart to fulfill what is written above is not still there. This is one of your wife’s deepest needs and desires is to know that you are going to be that loyal, faithful, true spouse that will never leave and never forsake her for someone else. There is no other need in your wife’s life besides God that can come so close to her heart because if you take away your loyalty and leave her always wondering if you are coming home to her than her love for you will, as the Bible says, grow cold (Matthew 24:12). The reason is that your wife is not supposed to be treated as a trophy that you come and visit when you feel the need or feel like polishing every once in a while. You need to remember that God joined you and melted you together into one flesh and her need and desire is to be with you and spend time with you and just feel your love exuding from your being into hers. A genuine honest love that comes from a deep seed desire within your heart to spend the rest of your life pleasing your wife.
Years ago, before we had our problems, my wife and I would get into fights and toss around the words “leaving” “divorce” and “separate” when we were mad. We did not really deep down desire to do these things as much as we desired to get the other ones attention or strike a bit of pain into them. But we tossed those words around almost like they were nothing, just words right. Wrong!
4 Look at the ships also, though they are so great and are driven by strong winds, are still directed by a very small rudder wherever the inclination of the pilot desires.
5 So also the tongue is a small part of the body, and yet it boasts of great things See how great a forest is set aflame by such a small fire!
- James 1:4-5
And
21 Death and life are in the power of the tongue, And those who love it will eat its fruit.
- Proverbs 18:21
Our words have power and when you continually use negative words to energize your marriage, then you will reap what you have sown. And I should know. When the ceiling comes crashing down and the sky falls on your head, you realize just how insignificant your words are. In fact, one of the things that Gary and Gina told us when we began to rebuild our marriage back up from the ashes was that we had to throw those words away and make a commitment to not only never use those words but to never think those thoughts. We had to make a commitment to each other that we were indeed in this marriage for the long haul and no matter how tough or how difficult it got we would at the very least find ourselves still together. In other words, I had to commit to my wife that I would be loyal no matter what. I can tell you that the devil put that to the test with some really tough struggles after that, but once we got through them our marriage began to flourish like never before. And the reason is because one of my wife’s (and yours too) basic needs, the need for loyalty, was being met.
6 Now we command you, brethren, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that you keep away from every brother who leads an unruly life and not according to the tradition which you received from us.
7 For you yourselves know how you ought to follow our example, because we did not act in an undisciplined manner among you,
8 nor did we eat anyone’s bread without paying for it, but with labor and hardship we kept working night and day so that we would not be a burden to any of you;
9 not because we do not have the right to this, but in order to offer ourselves as a model for you, so that you would follow our example.
10 For even when we were with you, we used to give you this order: if anyone is not willing to work, then he is not to eat, either.
11 For we hear that some among you are leading an undisciplined life, doing no work at all, but acting like busybodies.
- 2 Thessalonians 3:6-11
Another basic need of your wife is the need for security. You will notice in the passage above that if a man does not work he does not eat and if he has a wife and a family then that wife and family does not eat lest someone take pity on them. This is not the way that God intends for the family to be nor is it what your wife deserves. In fact, your wife deserves to be taken care of in fine style, after all she is the one whom the Lord has picked out of all the people on the earth to be your bride and queen (remember you are a king, Revelation 1:6). This is why God warns us to not be undisciplined and to keep away from undisciplined people because bad company will corrupt good morals (1 Corinthians 15:33).
Your wife needs, and I can’t say this strong enough, absolutely needs you to work hard at your job to provide a home for her and your children and even an inheritance (Proverbs 13:22). This does not mean that you are to work such that you sacrifice all your time and are never home. Your wife does not need a fifty room mansion. She needs you more than money and if you are working hard and honoring your wife and God, God will prosper your ways (Hebrews 11:6, Jeremiah 29:11, Psalm 37:11, Deuteronomy 28:11, Philippians 4:19, etc). However, it takes money to survive in this world and therefore you will need to work to provide. This means that you will need to be at a stable job and not hopping from one place to another. You will need to get benefits to provide insurance for children if you have them. You will need to take care of the needs that arise in running a home. Don’t be deceived into thinking you need to do this alone because God has given you a wife to work with you in all of these things remembering that God created woman, Eve, because man, Adam, had not helper (Genesis 2:18). Therefore, you would be foolish to not make use of the helper that God has provided in your own home. However, remember she is the helper and not the main bread winner for that is your function as the head of the household (Genesis 3:16, Ephesians 5:16). But you need to be working and providing so that you wife can be secure and have security in knowing that she has a home that she can not lose.
Some time ago, I was on my way home from work and I spotted a homeless man on the corner. God told me to stop and get him some food which I did. I bought a bunch of cheeseburgers and brought them to the man. Moments after I did this, he called over his friends, all of whom were homeless, and I immediately had a gathering of people who wanted to know why I was helping them. I told them that God told me to help them and I shared about Jesus. Most of them just nodded their heads and then went away with a full belly for at least the night. But there was one couple who was there that God had a divine appointment for because they had been on the streets for some time and the wife was at her wits end due to the lack of security. When all was said and done, God got them off of the streets and into an apartment and got the wife a certificate from a trade school so that she could always be employable. The husband was disabled and got actually on disability to receive a monthly check. Now they are living in an apartment and have a car and no one can take it away and when you see her now she is glowing, a much different person because God, her ultimate husband, provided her security (Philippians 4:19, Ephesians 3:20).
Security in your marriage is essential to your survival. You must provide for your wife and make sure that she feels like she will never lose her home. Understand that there can come times when a lay off happens and you must unite in prayer as you search for a new job. But it can never become a habit for the husband to not be working or else the potential for the wife to be unhappy because of an unmet need is high. This is especially true when there are children in the marriage because I have almost never met a wife and mother who does not want to stay home and be a major part of raising their children and molding them into the adults they will become. Even if they have to work because the husband’s salary is not enough, they still yearn and desire to be that major player in their life. And that is never possible if the husband is not working and providing the wife with the security that she needs.
Loyalty and security go hand and hand in a marriage and are two basic needs that almost all wives have of their husbands. The ironic thing is that many times this is not something that is directly spoken about. I realize that couples talk all the time, but the deep needs of the spouses are not usually spoken about and it leads to unmet expectations and disappointment which can lead to fighting, anger, frustration and even ultimately affairs, separation and divorce. I have seen this in my own life where my not understanding my wife’s basic needs even though in my mind I was doing everything for her was actually pushing her away. But once I understood what her needs were, I was able to make changes needed to save my marriage and make my wife happy.
I would like to encourage every husband out there that is reading this to be loyal to your wife and make sure she knows it and not by your telling her but by your showing her. Work hard at your job to provide for your wife the security she needs to know that you are providing a home for your family. This is of utmost importance to your wife and her basic needs and will help to propel your marriage to the next level.
Next time I will be focusing on some aspects of the husband that every wife needs to know about. It is a post that every couple needs to know.
Love in Christ.
The Marriage Series (so far):
Tags: acceptable, adam, disciplined, divorce, eve, exude, favor, god, homeless, honor, husband, loyal, loyalty, marriage, men, offerings, secure, security, survival, vows, wedding vows, wife, work
