Continuing in the series on marriage, I want to discuss the important topic of children within the marriage because there is much misunderstanding in our world as to the role of children and their importance and their place. Hopefully when I am finished, you will have a clear understand of how God sees children.

The world view on children is often times backwards to how God sees them. Many families live the whole lives centered on the children while their marriages slowly erode into nothing until one day when their children move out to discover lives of their own their parents discovers they no longer know each other. This is not God’s plan or design. Hidden within this worldly view is the concept that children are a burden and overwhelming responsibility that one must endure and struggle through eighteen years, more if they go to college, and only hope that somehow their painfully long plight was worth something in the end. How many times have you heard people complaining about having to pay for something for their children because for them struggling to raise kids the worlds way is just not providing them with the joy that they should be receiving. And this does not even begin to touch upon the countless families who dread the so called horrors of the teenage years because they have been told their kids will rebel and there will be a form of hell to suffer through. And much of this revolves around this concept of attempting to live the family life around the children and including them in the family structure as equals as if they were little adults even when they can barely speak. Nothing can be further from God’s plan for the family and for children.

To begin looking what God had in mind, we must start with the idea that children are a gift and a blessing from God.

As we have been talking about through this entire study, unless the Lord is the center of your family, then all your work is in vain because only God can bless, protect and provide for your family when everything else in this world fails. When your jobs lays you off and the bills are still due and there is no one to help you out, God can still take care of you and this is why it says that God must be the center of the family. Not the children, not the husband, not the wife, but God and God alone. And think about that for a moment. God knows all things(1 John 3:20) and is everywhere(Psalm 139:7-10) and owns the cattle on a thousand hills (Psalm 50:10) and owns the whole Earth and (Psalm 24:1). In addition, he knows the future and knows you better than you know yourself. Why wouldn’t you want him to be the center of your family and the one who makes the decisions that are best for your family? It really is the logical choice.

In verse 3 of Psalm 127, we see that children are a gift from the Lord and in verse 5 we see that we are blessed to have them. Therefore, children cannot ever be a burden or an overwhelming responsibility when they are a beautiful gift sent down from God above. And we know the following:

If children are a gift and a blessing, and they are, and every good thing and perfect gift is from God, then we can see how children no matter how many or how expensive or how trying can never be are never burdens or overwhelming responsibilities. Instead, they are a joy and a blessing in which God has decided in his infinite wisdom to bestow upon you. You may not always be on the same page as God and not understand the timing or how you will be able to afford the children, but that is not for you to worry about because God promises that they are a gift and a blessing and when has a gift ever been something to worry about. In fact, God specifically tells us not to worry about things in his word (Philippians 4:6).

If the Lord is the center of the family and children are a gift, how then is the family to be structured? This is a good question and one that I believe I have an illustration to help with. Imagine a series of concentric circles like a bulls-eye target. This target represents your family. The very center ring, the bulls-eye, is the Lord and the center of everything for everyone. The next ring out is the marriage, or the husband and wife. Remember that these two are as one and are united with the Lord which is why they are closest to him in the family. The next ring out is the children because they are gift given to the husband and wife and meant to be a blessing and a joy. They are not on the same ring as the husband and wife because one day they will grow up and move out and have their own target ring family. In addition, they are in a process of growing and learning and maturing and not able to make the experienced wise choices that a Godly husband and wife can. Therefore, they should be on an outer ring to the marriage circle. The next ring out would include extended family, or relatives, like your parents, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, etc. Remember even though you moved out and got marriage and started your own target ring, you are still connected to your old family and they are still part of your life. They have just moved from nurturing primary care givers to more of a coaching role as your family grows. And you would be wise to utilize their knowledge and experience as counsel. The next ring out would be any close friends you have that are like family to you. This is where the world and God separate in a large way because the world will tell you that it is alright to keep your close and best friends closer to you than your spouse. However, if your spouse is not your best friend you are asking for trouble and issues.

It is important to remember that children are a welcomed gift and blessing that is an addition to the family marriage, but they are never the center and never in the middle of the married couple. If you think of this model as you as think about things within the family like authority, decisions, responsibility, influence, etc, it will help you keep all things in a Godly perspective. For example, looking at the target ring of your family, God has the ultimate authority with your family followed by the married coupled and then the children. Of course, there are microcosm within each like the fact that the husband is the head of the household and the oldest child will have more authority than the youngest, but this gives you the basic model and illustrates the most important point that children are a welcome addition to the family, but not the center nor to interfere with the relationship of the couple. Another example, if a decision is to be made, the first person whom the decision making falls to is the Lord and then the married couple. Here is where the world and the Godly family separate. The world will tell you that children should have an equal partnership in the decisions of the household. This is unwise for many reasons one of which is the simple fact that children do not possess the experience or the maturity to understand the decision that needs to be made. They may select an option based on their favorite color or because there is a McDonald’s next door instead of using wisdom. And this does not even count the fact that children will grow up and become their own family thus leaving their parents meaning they, through no fault or malice intention, do not have a fully vested interested in the completeness of each and every decision that is made. That said, if your children are at least in their teens and are on fire for Jesus Christ there is no harm in hearing their opinions because a wise man listens to all counsel (Proverbs 11:14, Proverbs 24:6), but you are merely gaining their opinion and not using it as a vote towards a decision. The decision is to be made between the Lord, the husband and the wife ONLY. This may sound harsh, but this is what is best for you and your family.

This brings me to another point and that is the subject of “Mommy and Daddy time.” Children are a blessing and a gift and to be enjoyed, but not every minute of every day. If you were to do that, the sacrifice on your marriage would be extreme to the point where one day you might find yourself in a divorce court. You MUST make time for yourself every day if at all possible and if not then at least every other day. It does not have to be much time. At least fifteen minutes of time to sit or lay in bed talking will do. And this is to be uninterrupted time with no kids just the husband and wife sitting or laying and talking with each other and praying with and for one another. This time is invaluable to the relationship and a must if you are to survive in this day and age when there are so many things pulling at your day and your marriage. The children must be made aware that this time is set aside for their parent’s relationship and they are not to interrupt unless there is a dire emergency the likes of the house being on fire. And if they interrupt without an emergency, then punishments MUST be given and followed through to teach them that mommy and daddy need their time and they are serious about it. However, I have found that most children, even young ones seem to have a God given understanding that their parents need to have time to talk. I cannot stress this enough that this time is not meant for physical intimacy, but emotional and mental intimacy where you are talking about your day, sharing your dreams, sharing your desires, talking about your plans for the future both long term and short term. This time will breed and breathe health into your marriage like nothing else short of God himself.

An interesting note, if you have not already noticed, children have radar. If you are about to become physically intimate with your spouse and there is any chance that a child can interrupt, they will. They could all be happy or asleep or even at a friend’s house and then you decide to close your door and lock it and have some quality physical intimacy and their little radar goes off and suddenly they will need you and only you with great urgency. I have seen this over and over and over again. We could have just sat them down with all the snacks they want and a two hour movie and instructed the older children we were going for a “nap” and closed and locked the door. We would just be getting into our moment when the knock would happen. We could have laid in our room for thirty minutes to be sure that the coast was clear, but just moments after starting, that is when the radar goes off and suddenly the desperate pounding and screams at the door come. This is one of the reasons that I mention it is most important for you to separate the mommy and daddy time that you need every day from your physical intimacy, which we may like every day but don’t need. Because I have found I can talk with my wife for hours, but the moment we decide to become intimate, the radar fires off and we have little ones who suddenly want our immediate company.

In fact, there was one time when our oldest was about four years old that we wanted to become intimate. We had made sure the whole house was secure and sat the two of them down with their favorite movie and snacks. We then went to the bedroom which was within hearing distance of the living room (small apartment). The first knock came moments after we entered the room as they asked if they could have an apple. We said yes because our oldest had apples regularly and we thought nothing of it. We waited to see because we were expecting another knock and one did not come. We decided to move forward and just as we were about to really try to get into the moment a furious set of knocks came at the door with the following statement, “Katie is bleeding!” Well that got our attention and of course broke any mood we could have hoped for. So, we threw on clothes and dashed out to the living room. The scene was what looked like a parent’s nightmare in that there seemed to be blood everywhere. In her little hands was a sharp knife which we are still not sure how she got since we had child safety locks. Immediately, my wife went into action as I tried to get out of them what happened. Apparently, after asking for the apple, Katie went and got the apple and the sharp knife and proceeded to try and be “Mommy” and cut the apple. After several failed attempts she finally succeeded in cutting something, herself. It would be several more moments before our other child would come and tell us about it. As I was preparing myself for a hospital visit, my wife was feverishly cleaning our child and trying to find where the blood was coming from. Ironically, she had only one small cut on the tip of one of her fingers that looked like a small paper cut. But boy did it bleed just about everywhere. I am still surprised at the amount of blood that poured out that little cut and perhaps because I was shocked it seemed like more. I am not sure, but it sure was a mess. In this instance, I was glad for the knock, but it does illustrate how kids have radar and will find that moment to get into something that will cause them to be knocking at your door the moment you are trying to be intimate.

In addition to daily time together to talk, you must have a date night at least once every two weeks where just the two of you go out and enjoy time together. It does not have to cost much. It could be a picnic lunch you take to the park. Just time that the two of you are spending together talking, and yes this means that a movie is out unless you are going to dinner as well. You need to be able to talk and enjoy each other’s company. Think back to when you were dating and how much you longed for the next moment you would spend together. You need this time together for the health and happiness of your home. And when this is happening, you will find that your kids are happier and healthier because they respond well adjusted and happy parents.

This brings me to the subject of disciple:

Yes, you read that verse right. He who withholds, or does not discipline, his son/daughter hates his child. The reason is very straightforward. A child is in the process of growing and during that process will test and push at the boundaries and limits that the parents set. This is normal because they are learning that there are some lines that are not to be crossed. They need to know that there are boundaries and that those boundaries are enforced. When this is done, then your children learn what is right and wrong. If they behave wrongly then they should be punished and disciplined to gain knowledge and grow. If they behave rightly then they should be rewarded and praised. When this is done the child learns to behave properly and gains a sense of self worth and importance and will become well adjusted to society and their sets of rules and laws. However, if we as parents do not enforce those boundaries and spare the rod of discipline for whatever reason (typically because it is either too difficult on us or we just love our kids too much to see them momentarily suffering the discipline) then we are not teaching them the foundations that will lead to becoming well adjusted and having a sense of self worth and importance. If children who become adults don’t have those things then they are liable to become deviants of one kind or another and this is what we are seeing in our society today as we are reaping the sowing of decades of telling parents not to discipline their children. Setting boundaries, rules and laws that your kids need to abide by and a set of disciplinary actions that you will enforce if they do not can only lead to them becoming better people. Do not deprive your children of this.

Love must be the override key to everything that you do with your children. There can be no substitute. Remember that God is love (1 John 4:8) and that we are called to love one another (John 13:35) and that includes your children. This should come naturally and should be obvious. But our children know how to push our buttons and say and do just the right things to set us off. This is normal, but we must never let that phase us out of operating in constant love towards them. If there is ever a moment, especially if they have done something wrong, where your temperature is boiling and you know you are about to operate in anger or rage or frustration and not in love. The best thing you can do is send them to their room until you cool down. Because if you do not and you operate in anything other than love, the damage you do to them might not be reversible and in the end it is just not worth it. Take a moment if you need it, they can wait for their punishment.

And that brings me to my last point on this topic and that is that you must be your children’s biggest fan because the world certainly will not be. I can’t tell you how many parents I have listened to who have spoken ill of their children. I realize that your child may never win a noble prize, but that does not mean that at least in your eyes you shouldn’t see them as capable of doing so. Make no mistake, there is very little chance that anyone else will believe in them let alone be part of their fan club which is why you need to be. They need to know that they can count on you for support. In our household, we do not tolerate dishonesty and my children know it. So, when they come home and tell me that there is something wrong, I take it seriously and go to the school and go to bat for them. The reason is that I am their biggest fan. I believe in them unequivocally and know that they are the best. And you know what, my kids rise to that occasion every time. When children see you loving them even in discipline and see you caring for them and believing in them and being their biggest fan and even going to bat for them, they rise above the rest and fulfill all that you are speaking about them. On the flip side, if you are not doing those things and speaking ill of them, they sink to below the rest and fulfill all that you are speaking about them. So, if they are going to fulfill your very words that you speak about them why not speak the very best.

I hope that this gives you some insight into what God desires you to do as a Godly parent to raise Godly children. Next time I will be focusing on some aspects of the wife that every husband needs to know about. It is a post that every couple needs to know.

Love in Christ.

 

 

The Marriage Series (so far):

• Part 1 : Marriages – Introduction

• Part 2 : Marriages – Two Shall Become One Flesh

• Part 3 : Marriages – The Role of a Lifetime

• Part 4 : Marriages – The Authority of the Spouse

• Part 5 : Marriages – Hearing Do You Understand

• Part 6 : Marriages – Sex, Wait, That is in the Bible

Tags: addition, biggest, bullseye, center, children, discipline, fan, god, husband, love, marriage, target, wife, world

This entry was posted on Sunday, April 26th, 2009 at 2:26 am and is filed under Insights, Marriages, Studies. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.