Continuing in the series on marriage, I want to focus on the wives for a moment and give them some tips on dealing with their husbands that will go a long way to making their marriages survive the test of time, trials, tribulations and whatever other storms and good times that you might face. And in order to help you out, I am going to break the secret man code to do it. So, sit down and get ready for something that you might not ever have heard before, but something that you will absolutely need.

I saw a post on a blog (Red Hot Momma’s Blog) not too long ago that was from a woman who had spoken with her husband and they were discussing the reasons that men cheat. The main reason they put forth was sex and I disagreed. That is not that I doubt that sex occurs, because I know that it does. But that sex is not typically the first thing that happens. What I mean by that is the husband does not happen to see a woman at work or the mall or church (and yes affairs happen at church) or wherever and immediately begins having sex with this person. Sex is more a byproduct of a relation that has developed over time. Sure there is the occasional exception, but sex is not the rule to why men cheat.

So, then why do men cheat? That is a good question and the answer comes down to a deep need that all men have that they typically do not talk about because it is part of the secret man code. And this deep need is the need for adoration, or the need for their wife to be their biggest fan and believe in them when no one else, perhaps even themselves, believes in them. Yes, us strong, big, powerful, macho men need our wives to believe in us and be our best friend and our biggest fan and shower us with adoration just like what was quoted above in the passage from the bride to her husband, King Solomon. We need our wives to see us as God fearing world changers whether we look like it or not or else our ability to sink to the furthest depths possible will happen. And when this occurs, the enemy knows that we are ripe for the picking and sends to the man in jeopardy a silver tongued sweet talking “other woman” into his life. She is not as beautiful as our wife because no one on earth can be (see the post on Marriages – Sex, Wait, That is in the Bible) and she is potentially not as smart, but she has one thing on her side and that is the enemy is making sure she is saying just what the man in jeopardy needs to hear at the moment he needs to hear it. Sure, he should be speaking to his wife, but at this point, he has felt a disconnection with her because she no longer believes in him and no longer adores him and he longs for the times when they were dating and she could not wait to see him again and be held by him again. But these times, he fears are long gone. So, he speaks with the other woman and soon he is sharing with her the things he should be sharing with his wife. Then a dangerous thing happens, he allows the relationship with his wife to turn upside down. What do I mean by that? I mean that instead of his wife being his best friend and confidant and one to turn to in time of need, he turns to the other woman and the wife becomes almost the enemy because the guilt and shame the Holy Spirit cause him to feel when he is around her is so strong that he either shuts down, lashes out or escapes the situation by avoiding her altogether or leaving. It is at this point, when the emotional connection between husband and wife has been severed that sex will enter the affair relationship severing the physical connection between the husband and the wife because the husband has now connected and joined with another woman. It is important to note that sex is not the reason that men, or at least most men cheat, but is a result of bigger problems within the marriage that existed long before the husband entered into intimacy with the other woman.

The sad thing about affairs and husbands who stray (and wives who stray) is that if the husband had spoken with the wife about this need, the wife would have been more than happen to supply it. The Bible tells us that an excellent wife is worth more than jewels. If you think about that for a moment, what do jewels do for the wearer but to adorn them and make them feel important and make them shine. The jewels will bring adoration and praise to the wearer because of how beautiful they are and that is the picture of what a husband needs within his wife. He needs her to adore and adorn him. He needs her with her spirit and her attitude and her words to lift him up especially when no one else will. And if she does not, then as the Bible says, it is like rottenness to his bones (Proverbs 12:4) and he will sink and fall until he doesn’t feel like a man anymore and that is when the enemy attacks.

My wife is a jewel who has been with me through many trials that would have had the average woman of today running to divorce court. I am blessed a thousand times over that she is with me today. One time, when I had been thinking about going to college, she believed in me. You see at that time, I had come out of High School into a local college, but didn’t want to be there. So, I didn’t go to class and had a terrible grade point average. But the enemy was telling me that was what I was worth and could not handle college. After leaving school and then working for a while and being passed up for jobs that I could do because I didn’t have a degree, I was thinking about going to college. My family did not believe I could and if I am fair, I had a track record to prove it. But my wife didn’t believe any of that. She told me that not only could I go to college but that I could excel at it. She told me that I could graduate with high grades and that I was smart enough to knock their socks off. She believed in me when no one else did. And after completing my first semester and having all A’s, we discovered that my wife was pregnant with our first child after being told we would not have any children. I asked her if I should drop out of college and she told me that she believed in me that I could handle college and a job and becoming a father. I know I made it through school because of her and her belief in me.

Wives your husbands have a desperate need for you to adore them and be their best friend and be their biggest fan because it lifts them up and raises them to new heights and new levels spiritually, mentally and even physically. Your husbands need to know that you still can’t wait to see them again and be held by them again and hear their voice again and that there is nothing in the world like cuddling with them when watching television or a movie. Your husbands need to know how much you love them through your actions and your words and your spirit and by you being our biggest fan and when this happens, there is not a woman the enemy can send that will ever turn our heads. It is perfect way to affair proof your marriage.

A second major need is the need to be respected. It is of the utmost importance that the wife respects him as a person, as a father, as a friend, and as the head of the whole household. This need is not secret, but most deeply needed. And honestly a wife who loves her husband and is his biggest fan should have no trouble respecting him. The shame of our society and much of the world is that they have gone so headlong stubbornly attacking the concept of the husband being the head of the household in favor of their misguided view of equality that they have not realized how they have caused the very erosion of the family that we see today. Make no mistake, this is a master plan of the enemy and one we can conquer by just committing today to walk out our marriages according to the Word of God because we know that the devil and his demons tremble at the Scriptures (James 2:19).

When respect of the husband, the head of the household, is absent, there is disarray in the home. The reason is that God’s order for the family has not fallen into place and God’s blessings and promises are blocked because of this. Understand that the Husband and the Wife are not equal when it comes to the marriage for God has set the husband to be responsible and head of the household. Regardless of whether or not the wife has a strong personality or feels that she should be in charge or is active in woman’s rights, the husband has been set in charge of the family by God and will have to answer to God for everything that happens within the family. Even if the husband abdicates, or gives away, his headship to the wife or some other party it does not nullify the word of God and the fact that the husband will be held accountable or the fact that the blessings of God will not flow. In addition, a wife who takes that authority in the family God will hold accountable for walking in disobedience and not being in line with God’s will. Therefore, it is of utmost importance to understand that husbands and wives and not equal and one of the reasons that the husband needs your respect is because of this responsibility on his shoulders.

The husband may be the head but that does not mean by any account that the wife is not as important. God has set the wife as the mother and nurturer and primary caregiver of the home and I am not referring to being barefoot and pregnant but an air of attitude the mother brings to the home. This is a direct relation to the difference between how men and women are designed by God. Men tend to be more logic based while women are more emotion based. For a man, their mind is more like a series of compartments that they can easily move in and out of taking down information from one place using it and then putting it back on the shelf when not necessary to be stored until later similar to how a computer uses memory storage. Woman are more like a giant pot in which all things within their mind are swimming together in a giant soup interconnected and building upon each other making it a bit more difficult to separate a particular item and store it for later use. On the same token, men will not be able to see how things are all connected and interconnected as easily as a woman can because they are more designed by God for family and communal style situations (the “Come and get a hug and feel all better” approach) whereas the man is more designed for direct goal orientated problem solving (the “Let me fix that” approach). The reason that God made each of us like this, again in general, is because the way a man’s mind works is geared more towards being the head of the home and likewise the way the woman’s mind works is geared more toward being the caregiver of the home. Separate functions and responsibilities that are not equal but equally important to the proper function of a Godly family. Please understand that this not meant as an insult to anyone nor is it meant to pigeon hole anyone, but is a generalization of the differences between men and women that illustrate the diverse yet significance that each bring to the Godly family.

I want to point out that a wife who respects her husband brings honor to him. A crown can symbolize many things and one of them is that the wearer receives respect and honor. If the wife is an excellent wife and adoring her husband and being his biggest fan and believing in him and respecting him and honoring him then there is not anything that he, coupled with Christ (Philippians 4:19), can not achieve. She will be his crown that all will be able to see even when she is not physically present for he will stand taller and talk smarter and walk bolder all because she is behind him and the crown on his head.

God tells us that he has made us kings and priests (Revelation 1:5) and the husband is also the head of the household (Genesis 3:16, Ephesians 5:23). Therefore, it is of utmost importance to the husband to know that his wife respects him and honors him as the head of the house, the king of the home if you will. He needs to know that you support him as the head and spiritual leader of home. He needs to see that you respect his decisions, even when they are wrong, and that you don’t openly challenge him in front of family, friends and your children. He needs you to have the same respect and honor for him as your bridegroom as you would for Jesus, whom I would also add is your bridegroom.

I realize that if the husband is not acting like a Godly king this may be difficult, but I heard my associate pastor recently say that it was difficult for Jesus to go to the garden and then to the cross and yet he took that cup for us. Sometimes, we are asked to do things that are not easy because the end result will be better for all. In your marriage, if your husband is not worthy of respect and honor or is not acting worthy of it, remember that God is still calling you to be an excellent wife. One that is a crown that brings the respect and honor and if you show your husband these things and the love of Christ to him, then perhaps he will change. In fact, the Bible speaks directly to this in.

I realize this is primarily speaking of salvation and redemption, but I believe this carries the point that your love, your respect, your honor can alter your husband in profound ways for Christ and bring him to the kingdom or closer to God and help God make him the Godly husband you deserve. I realize this may be a burden to bear, but God will walk this with you and you will never be alone.

There is a good reason that God has said every word within the Bible. A wife that is honoring her husband, respecting her husband, adoring her husband, believing in her husband, loving her husband with Christ like love is a jewel and a good thing and that man is blessed beyond measure because of that wife that God has given unto him and that is why God says that husband obtains favors from the Lord. While this message had been primarily to the wives, husbands you better treat them right because they are a gift and a blessing from God that is causing your favor from him and if you were to squander this gift then you are in affect spitting on the very gift that God himself has purposefully and intently selected for you out of all the woman who have every lived in the world. And I for one would not want to fall into the wrath of the living God (Hebrews 10:29-31) because I did not cherish, love, care and protect the gift that God has given me in my wife. Think of this the next time you read Ephesians chapter 5.

I hope that you have gotten something out of this portion of the study. Next time I will talk about the how things change and shift over the course of your marriage. It is an important topic and I look forward to sharing it with you.

Love in Christ.

 

 

The Marriage Series (so far):

• Part 1 : Marriages – Introduction

• Part 2 : Marriages – Two Shall Become One Flesh

• Part 3 : Marriages – The Role of a Lifetime

• Part 4 : Marriages – The Authority of the Spouse

• Part 5 : Marriages – Hearing Do You Understand

• Part 6 : Marriages – Sex, Wait, That is in the Bible

• Part 7 : Marriages – The Addition of Children

• Part 8 : Marriages – Men Exude Security and Loyalty

Tags: adoration, adorn, affair, believe, biggest fan, bride, bridegroom, cheat, excellent, god, good, honor, husband, jewel, love, marriages, respect, secret man code, wife, wives

This entry was posted on Thursday, May 14th, 2009 at 2:00 am and is filed under Insights, Marriages, Studies. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.