Gossip and slander is a cancer root in a church that needs to be nipped as soon as it is uttered, but all too often we fall into the trap of going along with it. Perhaps it is our curiosity on what might be said about another good or bad, or perhaps it is just our flesh seeking the desires of the flesh. Whatever the reason, we need to not let it grow.

I bring this up because I watched “The Preacher’s Wife” with Denzel Washington (Dudley the Angel) last night. I had been resisting watching this movie for some time because the trailer makes it out to be something it is not. However, I happened upon it the other day and what I saw was good and intrigued me so I thought I would watch and see. I was pleasantly surprised. Yes, there are some Hollywood fumbles in it as it gets the theology wrong about angels. But I can look past that and see the movie for what it is.

That said, there was a moment in the movie shortly after Dudley first meets the pastor he is sent to help and receives the cold shoulder where he inadvertently begins something that could be gossip or slander. The scene went something like this (and I am doing this from memory so I might not get all of the words right, but the intention is).

This scene was a brilliant example of exactly what we should do when we hear gossip or slander especially when it is about the leadership of our churches. We should stop it in there tracks. We should say something along with the Vendor like this:

This is the way we all should be and a stellar example of what Jesus would want. Just take a look at what the Bible says about gossip.

Let us all strive to not gossip or slander, but to take up what the vendor in this movie did and defend those who labor so hard amongst us for our benefit.

We are still digging out, so to speak, from the flooding. But in the mean time, take a look at this really awesome video from the “Skit Guys.”

Continuing in the series on marriage, I want to focus on the wives for a moment and give them some tips on dealing with their husbands that will go a long way to making their marriages survive the test of time, trials, tribulations and whatever other storms and good times that you might face. And in order to help you out, I am going to break the secret man code to do it. So, sit down and get ready for something that you might not ever have heard before, but something that you will absolutely need.

I saw a post on a blog (Red Hot Momma’s Blog) not too long ago that was from a woman who had spoken with her husband and they were discussing the reasons that men cheat. The main reason they put forth was sex and I disagreed. That is not that I doubt that sex occurs, because I know that it does. But that sex is not typically the first thing that happens. What I mean by that is the husband does not happen to see a woman at work or the mall or church (and yes affairs happen at church) or wherever and immediately begins having sex with this person. Sex is more a byproduct of a relation that has developed over time. Sure there is the occasional exception, but sex is not the rule to why men cheat.

So, then why do men cheat? That is a good question and the answer comes down to a deep need that all men have that they typically do not talk about because it is part of the secret man code. And this deep need is the need for adoration, or the need for their wife to be their biggest fan and believe in them when no one else, perhaps even themselves, believes in them. Yes, us strong, big, powerful, macho men need our wives to believe in us and be our best friend and our biggest fan and shower us with adoration just like what was quoted above in the passage from the bride to her husband, King Solomon. We need our wives to see us as God fearing world changers whether we look like it or not or else our ability to sink to the furthest depths possible will happen. And when this occurs, the enemy knows that we are ripe for the picking and sends to the man in jeopardy a silver tongued sweet talking “other woman” into his life. She is not as beautiful as our wife because no one on earth can be (see the post on Marriages – Sex, Wait, That is in the Bible) and she is potentially not as smart, but she has one thing on her side and that is the enemy is making sure she is saying just what the man in jeopardy needs to hear at the moment he needs to hear it. Sure, he should be speaking to his wife, but at this point, he has felt a disconnection with her because she no longer believes in him and no longer adores him and he longs for the times when they were dating and she could not wait to see him again and be held by him again. But these times, he fears are long gone. So, he speaks with the other woman and soon he is sharing with her the things he should be sharing with his wife. Then a dangerous thing happens, he allows the relationship with his wife to turn upside down. What do I mean by that? I mean that instead of his wife being his best friend and confidant and one to turn to in time of need, he turns to the other woman and the wife becomes almost the enemy because the guilt and shame the Holy Spirit cause him to feel when he is around her is so strong that he either shuts down, lashes out or escapes the situation by avoiding her altogether or leaving. It is at this point, when the emotional connection between husband and wife has been severed that sex will enter the affair relationship severing the physical connection between the husband and the wife because the husband has now connected and joined with another woman. It is important to note that sex is not the reason that men, or at least most men cheat, but is a result of bigger problems within the marriage that existed long before the husband entered into intimacy with the other woman.

The sad thing about affairs and husbands who stray (and wives who stray) is that if the husband had spoken with the wife about this need, the wife would have been more than happen to supply it. The Bible tells us that an excellent wife is worth more than jewels. If you think about that for a moment, what do jewels do for the wearer but to adorn them and make them feel important and make them shine. The jewels will bring adoration and praise to the wearer because of how beautiful they are and that is the picture of what a husband needs within his wife. He needs her to adore and adorn him. He needs her with her spirit and her attitude and her words to lift him up especially when no one else will. And if she does not, then as the Bible says, it is like rottenness to his bones (Proverbs 12:4) and he will sink and fall until he doesn’t feel like a man anymore and that is when the enemy attacks.

My wife is a jewel who has been with me through many trials that would have had the average woman of today running to divorce court. I am blessed a thousand times over that she is with me today. One time, when I had been thinking about going to college, she believed in me. You see at that time, I had come out of High School into a local college, but didn’t want to be there. So, I didn’t go to class and had a terrible grade point average. But the enemy was telling me that was what I was worth and could not handle college. After leaving school and then working for a while and being passed up for jobs that I could do because I didn’t have a degree, I was thinking about going to college. My family did not believe I could and if I am fair, I had a track record to prove it. But my wife didn’t believe any of that. She told me that not only could I go to college but that I could excel at it. She told me that I could graduate with high grades and that I was smart enough to knock their socks off. She believed in me when no one else did. And after completing my first semester and having all A’s, we discovered that my wife was pregnant with our first child after being told we would not have any children. I asked her if I should drop out of college and she told me that she believed in me that I could handle college and a job and becoming a father. I know I made it through school because of her and her belief in me.

Wives your husbands have a desperate need for you to adore them and be their best friend and be their biggest fan because it lifts them up and raises them to new heights and new levels spiritually, mentally and even physically. Your husbands need to know that you still can’t wait to see them again and be held by them again and hear their voice again and that there is nothing in the world like cuddling with them when watching television or a movie. Your husbands need to know how much you love them through your actions and your words and your spirit and by you being our biggest fan and when this happens, there is not a woman the enemy can send that will ever turn our heads. It is perfect way to affair proof your marriage.

A second major need is the need to be respected. It is of the utmost importance that the wife respects him as a person, as a father, as a friend, and as the head of the whole household. This need is not secret, but most deeply needed. And honestly a wife who loves her husband and is his biggest fan should have no trouble respecting him. The shame of our society and much of the world is that they have gone so headlong stubbornly attacking the concept of the husband being the head of the household in favor of their misguided view of equality that they have not realized how they have caused the very erosion of the family that we see today. Make no mistake, this is a master plan of the enemy and one we can conquer by just committing today to walk out our marriages according to the Word of God because we know that the devil and his demons tremble at the Scriptures (James 2:19).

When respect of the husband, the head of the household, is absent, there is disarray in the home. The reason is that God’s order for the family has not fallen into place and God’s blessings and promises are blocked because of this. Understand that the Husband and the Wife are not equal when it comes to the marriage for God has set the husband to be responsible and head of the household. Regardless of whether or not the wife has a strong personality or feels that she should be in charge or is active in woman’s rights, the husband has been set in charge of the family by God and will have to answer to God for everything that happens within the family. Even if the husband abdicates, or gives away, his headship to the wife or some other party it does not nullify the word of God and the fact that the husband will be held accountable or the fact that the blessings of God will not flow. In addition, a wife who takes that authority in the family God will hold accountable for walking in disobedience and not being in line with God’s will. Therefore, it is of utmost importance to understand that husbands and wives and not equal and one of the reasons that the husband needs your respect is because of this responsibility on his shoulders.

The husband may be the head but that does not mean by any account that the wife is not as important. God has set the wife as the mother and nurturer and primary caregiver of the home and I am not referring to being barefoot and pregnant but an air of attitude the mother brings to the home. This is a direct relation to the difference between how men and women are designed by God. Men tend to be more logic based while women are more emotion based. For a man, their mind is more like a series of compartments that they can easily move in and out of taking down information from one place using it and then putting it back on the shelf when not necessary to be stored until later similar to how a computer uses memory storage. Woman are more like a giant pot in which all things within their mind are swimming together in a giant soup interconnected and building upon each other making it a bit more difficult to separate a particular item and store it for later use. On the same token, men will not be able to see how things are all connected and interconnected as easily as a woman can because they are more designed by God for family and communal style situations (the “Come and get a hug and feel all better” approach) whereas the man is more designed for direct goal orientated problem solving (the “Let me fix that” approach). The reason that God made each of us like this, again in general, is because the way a man’s mind works is geared more towards being the head of the home and likewise the way the woman’s mind works is geared more toward being the caregiver of the home. Separate functions and responsibilities that are not equal but equally important to the proper function of a Godly family. Please understand that this not meant as an insult to anyone nor is it meant to pigeon hole anyone, but is a generalization of the differences between men and women that illustrate the diverse yet significance that each bring to the Godly family.

I want to point out that a wife who respects her husband brings honor to him. A crown can symbolize many things and one of them is that the wearer receives respect and honor. If the wife is an excellent wife and adoring her husband and being his biggest fan and believing in him and respecting him and honoring him then there is not anything that he, coupled with Christ (Philippians 4:19), can not achieve. She will be his crown that all will be able to see even when she is not physically present for he will stand taller and talk smarter and walk bolder all because she is behind him and the crown on his head.

God tells us that he has made us kings and priests (Revelation 1:5) and the husband is also the head of the household (Genesis 3:16, Ephesians 5:23). Therefore, it is of utmost importance to the husband to know that his wife respects him and honors him as the head of the house, the king of the home if you will. He needs to know that you support him as the head and spiritual leader of home. He needs to see that you respect his decisions, even when they are wrong, and that you don’t openly challenge him in front of family, friends and your children. He needs you to have the same respect and honor for him as your bridegroom as you would for Jesus, whom I would also add is your bridegroom.

I realize that if the husband is not acting like a Godly king this may be difficult, but I heard my associate pastor recently say that it was difficult for Jesus to go to the garden and then to the cross and yet he took that cup for us. Sometimes, we are asked to do things that are not easy because the end result will be better for all. In your marriage, if your husband is not worthy of respect and honor or is not acting worthy of it, remember that God is still calling you to be an excellent wife. One that is a crown that brings the respect and honor and if you show your husband these things and the love of Christ to him, then perhaps he will change. In fact, the Bible speaks directly to this in.

I realize this is primarily speaking of salvation and redemption, but I believe this carries the point that your love, your respect, your honor can alter your husband in profound ways for Christ and bring him to the kingdom or closer to God and help God make him the Godly husband you deserve. I realize this may be a burden to bear, but God will walk this with you and you will never be alone.

There is a good reason that God has said every word within the Bible. A wife that is honoring her husband, respecting her husband, adoring her husband, believing in her husband, loving her husband with Christ like love is a jewel and a good thing and that man is blessed beyond measure because of that wife that God has given unto him and that is why God says that husband obtains favors from the Lord. While this message had been primarily to the wives, husbands you better treat them right because they are a gift and a blessing from God that is causing your favor from him and if you were to squander this gift then you are in affect spitting on the very gift that God himself has purposefully and intently selected for you out of all the woman who have every lived in the world. And I for one would not want to fall into the wrath of the living God (Hebrews 10:29-31) because I did not cherish, love, care and protect the gift that God has given me in my wife. Think of this the next time you read Ephesians chapter 5.

I hope that you have gotten something out of this portion of the study. Next time I will talk about the how things change and shift over the course of your marriage. It is an important topic and I look forward to sharing it with you.

Love in Christ.

The Marriage Series (so far):

• Part 1 : Marriages – Introduction

• Part 2 : Marriages – Two Shall Become One Flesh

• Part 3 : Marriages – The Role of a Lifetime

• Part 4 : Marriages – The Authority of the Spouse

• Part 5 : Marriages – Hearing Do You Understand

• Part 6 : Marriages – Sex, Wait, That is in the Bible

• Part 7 : Marriages – The Addition of Children

• Part 8 : Marriages – Men Exude Security and Loyalty

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Please review the “God and Math” pdf (if you didn’t get it by email from me and would like to review it then contact me) and let me know what you think. Add your comments below.

Continuing in the series on marriage, I want to focus on the men for a moment (next week it will be the ladies turn). The reason is that I am speaking to the husbands out there is that I want to zero in on some key concepts that I have learned and pass on that will help any man not only survive in his marriage, but to be able to foster a loving, caring, positively charged marriage that will be good for your morale, your spirit, your sexual relationship with your spouse, your interactions with other, and even help to inspire your children to be all that they can be. In other words, men don’t pass this over, you will need this information.

I realize that this passage refers to the character of leaders, but understand that God desires all men to be of this character and rise to the level that you could become leaders (Ephesians 4:1-16). Furthermore, your wife desires this character in you also. One of the most basic needs that your wife has and that you must portray to her is that you are loyal and not going anywhere. I realize that in our world divorce is rampant and we have come to place and time where there are now more people not married than married according to the latest polls. These times do not give you license and reason to treat your marriage as if one day you could dispose of it as you would the wrapper on a candy bar and grab the next one out of the box. No! These times instead reinforce the need for us as husbands to be loyal to our wives and be certain that we have assured them through more than just words that we are never going anywhere and we are here to stay.

You can see that God hates divorce and calls all who do not act with loyalty towards the “wife of your youth” as dealing in treachery. And to make this even more profound, the Lord says that you have wearied him with your cries and tears and words because of this disloyalty and he no longer regards your offerings as acceptable. That is a harsh word and think about that. If you have not been loyal to your wife than God says that you are treacherous and any offerings you bring before him no matter how much you cry and how many words you speak are no longer considered acceptable to him or finds favor from you. This means that God basically does not accept your attempts to appease him because you are not obeying him with your offerings and instead is commanding you to get right with him by returning to your wife in complete loyalty. This is the desire and will of God for every husband without exception.

Think back for a moment to the day that you got married. It was a joyous time that was shared by all. In that moment, when the priest (or justice of the peace) turned to you and read off the wedding vows, did you think to yourself that you were only saying those to get to the honeymoon and the bed? Did you think that you were not meaning these words because you really didn’t love your soon to be bride? Did you think that the brides maid looked better than your bride to be? No! None of these were true. In fact, in that moment there was no one on the planet that you would rather spend any single moment with than your bride to be. In fact, think about the pledge that you made to the one that you married. While the wording may have been a little different, it was something like the following.

I take you to be my lawfully wedded wife, my constant friend, my faithful partner and my love from this day forward. In the presence of God, our family, our friends and these witnesses, I offer you my solemn vow to be your faithful husband, to love you, comfort you, honor and keep you, in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer, for better, for worse, in sadness and in joy, to cherish and continually bestow upon you my heart’s deepest devotion, forsaking all others, being faithful and keep myself only unto you as long as we both shall live.

Your vows may not have been the same or as long, but the intention was there and you can’t tell me that on your wedding day and perhaps even today the intentions of your heart to fulfill what is written above is not still there. This is one of your wife’s deepest needs and desires is to know that you are going to be that loyal, faithful, true spouse that will never leave and never forsake her for someone else. There is no other need in your wife’s life besides God that can come so close to her heart because if you take away your loyalty and leave her always wondering if you are coming home to her than her love for you will, as the Bible says, grow cold (Matthew 24:12). The reason is that your wife is not supposed to be treated as a trophy that you come and visit when you feel the need or feel like polishing every once in a while. You need to remember that God joined you and melted you together into one flesh and her need and desire is to be with you and spend time with you and just feel your love exuding from your being into hers. A genuine honest love that comes from a deep seed desire within your heart to spend the rest of your life pleasing your wife.

Years ago, before we had our problems, my wife and I would get into fights and toss around the words “leaving” “divorce” and “separate” when we were mad. We did not really deep down desire to do these things as much as we desired to get the other ones attention or strike a bit of pain into them. But we tossed those words around almost like they were nothing, just words right. Wrong!

And

Our words have power and when you continually use negative words to energize your marriage, then you will reap what you have sown. And I should know. When the ceiling comes crashing down and the sky falls on your head, you realize just how insignificant your words are. In fact, one of the things that Gary and Gina told us when we began to rebuild our marriage back up from the ashes was that we had to throw those words away and make a commitment to not only never use those words but to never think those thoughts. We had to make a commitment to each other that we were indeed in this marriage for the long haul and no matter how tough or how difficult it got we would at the very least find ourselves still together. In other words, I had to commit to my wife that I would be loyal no matter what. I can tell you that the devil put that to the test with some really tough struggles after that, but once we got through them our marriage began to flourish like never before. And the reason is because one of my wife’s (and yours too) basic needs, the need for loyalty, was being met.

Another basic need of your wife is the need for security. You will notice in the passage above that if a man does not work he does not eat and if he has a wife and a family then that wife and family does not eat lest someone take pity on them. This is not the way that God intends for the family to be nor is it what your wife deserves. In fact, your wife deserves to be taken care of in fine style, after all she is the one whom the Lord has picked out of all the people on the earth to be your bride and queen (remember you are a king, Revelation 1:6). This is why God warns us to not be undisciplined and to keep away from undisciplined people because bad company will corrupt good morals (1 Corinthians 15:33).

Your wife needs, and I can’t say this strong enough, absolutely needs you to work hard at your job to provide a home for her and your children and even an inheritance (Proverbs 13:22). This does not mean that you are to work such that you sacrifice all your time and are never home. Your wife does not need a fifty room mansion. She needs you more than money and if you are working hard and honoring your wife and God, God will prosper your ways (Hebrews 11:6, Jeremiah 29:11, Psalm 37:11, Deuteronomy 28:11, Philippians 4:19, etc). However, it takes money to survive in this world and therefore you will need to work to provide. This means that you will need to be at a stable job and not hopping from one place to another. You will need to get benefits to provide insurance for children if you have them. You will need to take care of the needs that arise in running a home. Don’t be deceived into thinking you need to do this alone because God has given you a wife to work with you in all of these things remembering that God created woman, Eve, because man, Adam, had not helper (Genesis 2:18). Therefore, you would be foolish to not make use of the helper that God has provided in your own home. However, remember she is the helper and not the main bread winner for that is your function as the head of the household (Genesis 3:16, Ephesians 5:16). But you need to be working and providing so that you wife can be secure and have security in knowing that she has a home that she can not lose.

Some time ago, I was on my way home from work and I spotted a homeless man on the corner. God told me to stop and get him some food which I did. I bought a bunch of cheeseburgers and brought them to the man. Moments after I did this, he called over his friends, all of whom were homeless, and I immediately had a gathering of people who wanted to know why I was helping them. I told them that God told me to help them and I shared about Jesus. Most of them just nodded their heads and then went away with a full belly for at least the night. But there was one couple who was there that God had a divine appointment for because they had been on the streets for some time and the wife was at her wits end due to the lack of security. When all was said and done, God got them off of the streets and into an apartment and got the wife a certificate from a trade school so that she could always be employable. The husband was disabled and got actually on disability to receive a monthly check. Now they are living in an apartment and have a car and no one can take it away and when you see her now she is glowing, a much different person because God, her ultimate husband, provided her security (Philippians 4:19, Ephesians 3:20).

Security in your marriage is essential to your survival. You must provide for your wife and make sure that she feels like she will never lose her home. Understand that there can come times when a lay off happens and you must unite in prayer as you search for a new job. But it can never become a habit for the husband to not be working or else the potential for the wife to be unhappy because of an unmet need is high. This is especially true when there are children in the marriage because I have almost never met a wife and mother who does not want to stay home and be a major part of raising their children and molding them into the adults they will become. Even if they have to work because the husband’s salary is not enough, they still yearn and desire to be that major player in their life. And that is never possible if the husband is not working and providing the wife with the security that she needs.

Loyalty and security go hand and hand in a marriage and are two basic needs that almost all wives have of their husbands. The ironic thing is that many times this is not something that is directly spoken about. I realize that couples talk all the time, but the deep needs of the spouses are not usually spoken about and it leads to unmet expectations and disappointment which can lead to fighting, anger, frustration and even ultimately affairs, separation and divorce. I have seen this in my own life where my not understanding my wife’s basic needs even though in my mind I was doing everything for her was actually pushing her away. But once I understood what her needs were, I was able to make changes needed to save my marriage and make my wife happy.

I would like to encourage every husband out there that is reading this to be loyal to your wife and make sure she knows it and not by your telling her but by your showing her. Work hard at your job to provide for your wife the security she needs to know that you are providing a home for your family. This is of utmost importance to your wife and her basic needs and will help to propel your marriage to the next level.

Next time I will be focusing on some aspects of the husband that every wife needs to know about. It is a post that every couple needs to know.

Love in Christ.

The Marriage Series (so far):

• Part 1 : Marriages – Introduction

• Part 2 : Marriages – Two Shall Become One Flesh

• Part 3 : Marriages – The Role of a Lifetime

• Part 4 : Marriages – The Authority of the Spouse

• Part 5 : Marriages – Hearing Do You Understand

• Part 6 : Marriages – Sex, Wait, That is in the Bible

• Part 7 : Marriages – The Addition of Children

Ok, so, I am driving down the road to bring my daughter to dinner for her birthday and see this billboard sign and it catches my attention. Understand that most signs don’t because they are terrible, but this one is a white sign and on one side says LUST and the other side says LOVE in red letters with the words “I am second” in white on a black patch in the center with the website www.iamsecond.com in the corner. I struck me because I really didn’t know what it was about and yet it was drawing me. I did not know then, but I know now that it was my spirit was that was drawing me to this sign.

It is a day later and I am at my computer and I remember this sign and go to the website. It is also plain, but it has a person on the right and a statement “I am second,” that you can click which takes you to a video of them speaking. Well, I was not prepared to hear the amazing testimonies of how God has changed these peoples lives and then to have them declare that they are second or say at the end “I am second” to God. I sat there and listened to several of them. The one I liked the most is the one from Stephen Baldwin where his cleaning lady told his wife she was not there to just clean the house but because they would become Christians and have a ministry. This is an amazing website. You have to check it out.

And it got me to thinking about how I am second. God is in control of my life and Jesus is Lord of my life and I am happily second to them. I can remember a time before them when I was living for me and how lust and pornography got me into trouble with the law on multiple occasions and was leading me down a very bad path. But God got a hold of me and shook me up because he has a plan and a ministry for me down the road. He has had many people like that maid tell me that God has things in store and for a while like Stephen I ran. But I am not running away from God anymore. On July 12, 1992, in a little church in upstate New York I made Jesus lord of my life. And then several years later, while having Jesus as lord, but still trying to be the one in control, I gave everything over to him and told him that I made a mess of things and that if he could do anything with this life it was his. Since then, he has moved me to Texas and given me a great job. He continues to inspire me in writing and also is developing some interesting contacts. I know that God has great things in store and I am excited. But the coolest thing is that I don’t have to worry about one thing. I just get to enjoy the ride because God is in control and “I am second.”

Continuing in the series on marriage, I want to discuss the important topic of children within the marriage because there is much misunderstanding in our world as to the role of children and their importance and their place. Hopefully when I am finished, you will have a clear understand of how God sees children.

The world view on children is often times backwards to how God sees them. Many families live the whole lives centered on the children while their marriages slowly erode into nothing until one day when their children move out to discover lives of their own their parents discovers they no longer know each other. This is not God’s plan or design. Hidden within this worldly view is the concept that children are a burden and overwhelming responsibility that one must endure and struggle through eighteen years, more if they go to college, and only hope that somehow their painfully long plight was worth something in the end. How many times have you heard people complaining about having to pay for something for their children because for them struggling to raise kids the worlds way is just not providing them with the joy that they should be receiving. And this does not even begin to touch upon the countless families who dread the so called horrors of the teenage years because they have been told their kids will rebel and there will be a form of hell to suffer through. And much of this revolves around this concept of attempting to live the family life around the children and including them in the family structure as equals as if they were little adults even when they can barely speak. Nothing can be further from God’s plan for the family and for children.

To begin looking what God had in mind, we must start with the idea that children are a gift and a blessing from God.

As we have been talking about through this entire study, unless the Lord is the center of your family, then all your work is in vain because only God can bless, protect and provide for your family when everything else in this world fails. When your jobs lays you off and the bills are still due and there is no one to help you out, God can still take care of you and this is why it says that God must be the center of the family. Not the children, not the husband, not the wife, but God and God alone. And think about that for a moment. God knows all things(1 John 3:20) and is everywhere(Psalm 139:7-10) and owns the cattle on a thousand hills (Psalm 50:10) and owns the whole Earth and (Psalm 24:1). In addition, he knows the future and knows you better than you know yourself. Why wouldn’t you want him to be the center of your family and the one who makes the decisions that are best for your family? It really is the logical choice.

In verse 3 of Psalm 127, we see that children are a gift from the Lord and in verse 5 we see that we are blessed to have them. Therefore, children cannot ever be a burden or an overwhelming responsibility when they are a beautiful gift sent down from God above. And we know the following:

If children are a gift and a blessing, and they are, and every good thing and perfect gift is from God, then we can see how children no matter how many or how expensive or how trying can never be are never burdens or overwhelming responsibilities. Instead, they are a joy and a blessing in which God has decided in his infinite wisdom to bestow upon you. You may not always be on the same page as God and not understand the timing or how you will be able to afford the children, but that is not for you to worry about because God promises that they are a gift and a blessing and when has a gift ever been something to worry about. In fact, God specifically tells us not to worry about things in his word (Philippians 4:6).

If the Lord is the center of the family and children are a gift, how then is the family to be structured? This is a good question and one that I believe I have an illustration to help with. Imagine a series of concentric circles like a bulls-eye target. This target represents your family. The very center ring, the bulls-eye, is the Lord and the center of everything for everyone. The next ring out is the marriage, or the husband and wife. Remember that these two are as one and are united with the Lord which is why they are closest to him in the family. The next ring out is the children because they are gift given to the husband and wife and meant to be a blessing and a joy. They are not on the same ring as the husband and wife because one day they will grow up and move out and have their own target ring family. In addition, they are in a process of growing and learning and maturing and not able to make the experienced wise choices that a Godly husband and wife can. Therefore, they should be on an outer ring to the marriage circle. The next ring out would include extended family, or relatives, like your parents, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, etc. Remember even though you moved out and got marriage and started your own target ring, you are still connected to your old family and they are still part of your life. They have just moved from nurturing primary care givers to more of a coaching role as your family grows. And you would be wise to utilize their knowledge and experience as counsel. The next ring out would be any close friends you have that are like family to you. This is where the world and God separate in a large way because the world will tell you that it is alright to keep your close and best friends closer to you than your spouse. However, if your spouse is not your best friend you are asking for trouble and issues.

It is important to remember that children are a welcomed gift and blessing that is an addition to the family marriage, but they are never the center and never in the middle of the married couple. If you think of this model as you as think about things within the family like authority, decisions, responsibility, influence, etc, it will help you keep all things in a Godly perspective. For example, looking at the target ring of your family, God has the ultimate authority with your family followed by the married coupled and then the children. Of course, there are microcosm within each like the fact that the husband is the head of the household and the oldest child will have more authority than the youngest, but this gives you the basic model and illustrates the most important point that children are a welcome addition to the family, but not the center nor to interfere with the relationship of the couple. Another example, if a decision is to be made, the first person whom the decision making falls to is the Lord and then the married couple. Here is where the world and the Godly family separate. The world will tell you that children should have an equal partnership in the decisions of the household. This is unwise for many reasons one of which is the simple fact that children do not possess the experience or the maturity to understand the decision that needs to be made. They may select an option based on their favorite color or because there is a McDonald’s next door instead of using wisdom. And this does not even count the fact that children will grow up and become their own family thus leaving their parents meaning they, through no fault or malice intention, do not have a fully vested interested in the completeness of each and every decision that is made. That said, if your children are at least in their teens and are on fire for Jesus Christ there is no harm in hearing their opinions because a wise man listens to all counsel (Proverbs 11:14, Proverbs 24:6), but you are merely gaining their opinion and not using it as a vote towards a decision. The decision is to be made between the Lord, the husband and the wife ONLY. This may sound harsh, but this is what is best for you and your family.

This brings me to another point and that is the subject of “Mommy and Daddy time.” Children are a blessing and a gift and to be enjoyed, but not every minute of every day. If you were to do that, the sacrifice on your marriage would be extreme to the point where one day you might find yourself in a divorce court. You MUST make time for yourself every day if at all possible and if not then at least every other day. It does not have to be much time. At least fifteen minutes of time to sit or lay in bed talking will do. And this is to be uninterrupted time with no kids just the husband and wife sitting or laying and talking with each other and praying with and for one another. This time is invaluable to the relationship and a must if you are to survive in this day and age when there are so many things pulling at your day and your marriage. The children must be made aware that this time is set aside for their parent’s relationship and they are not to interrupt unless there is a dire emergency the likes of the house being on fire. And if they interrupt without an emergency, then punishments MUST be given and followed through to teach them that mommy and daddy need their time and they are serious about it. However, I have found that most children, even young ones seem to have a God given understanding that their parents need to have time to talk. I cannot stress this enough that this time is not meant for physical intimacy, but emotional and mental intimacy where you are talking about your day, sharing your dreams, sharing your desires, talking about your plans for the future both long term and short term. This time will breed and breathe health into your marriage like nothing else short of God himself.

An interesting note, if you have not already noticed, children have radar. If you are about to become physically intimate with your spouse and there is any chance that a child can interrupt, they will. They could all be happy or asleep or even at a friend’s house and then you decide to close your door and lock it and have some quality physical intimacy and their little radar goes off and suddenly they will need you and only you with great urgency. I have seen this over and over and over again. We could have just sat them down with all the snacks they want and a two hour movie and instructed the older children we were going for a “nap” and closed and locked the door. We would just be getting into our moment when the knock would happen. We could have laid in our room for thirty minutes to be sure that the coast was clear, but just moments after starting, that is when the radar goes off and suddenly the desperate pounding and screams at the door come. This is one of the reasons that I mention it is most important for you to separate the mommy and daddy time that you need every day from your physical intimacy, which we may like every day but don’t need. Because I have found I can talk with my wife for hours, but the moment we decide to become intimate, the radar fires off and we have little ones who suddenly want our immediate company.

In fact, there was one time when our oldest was about four years old that we wanted to become intimate. We had made sure the whole house was secure and sat the two of them down with their favorite movie and snacks. We then went to the bedroom which was within hearing distance of the living room (small apartment). The first knock came moments after we entered the room as they asked if they could have an apple. We said yes because our oldest had apples regularly and we thought nothing of it. We waited to see because we were expecting another knock and one did not come. We decided to move forward and just as we were about to really try to get into the moment a furious set of knocks came at the door with the following statement, “Katie is bleeding!” Well that got our attention and of course broke any mood we could have hoped for. So, we threw on clothes and dashed out to the living room. The scene was what looked like a parent’s nightmare in that there seemed to be blood everywhere. In her little hands was a sharp knife which we are still not sure how she got since we had child safety locks. Immediately, my wife went into action as I tried to get out of them what happened. Apparently, after asking for the apple, Katie went and got the apple and the sharp knife and proceeded to try and be “Mommy” and cut the apple. After several failed attempts she finally succeeded in cutting something, herself. It would be several more moments before our other child would come and tell us about it. As I was preparing myself for a hospital visit, my wife was feverishly cleaning our child and trying to find where the blood was coming from. Ironically, she had only one small cut on the tip of one of her fingers that looked like a small paper cut. But boy did it bleed just about everywhere. I am still surprised at the amount of blood that poured out that little cut and perhaps because I was shocked it seemed like more. I am not sure, but it sure was a mess. In this instance, I was glad for the knock, but it does illustrate how kids have radar and will find that moment to get into something that will cause them to be knocking at your door the moment you are trying to be intimate.

In addition to daily time together to talk, you must have a date night at least once every two weeks where just the two of you go out and enjoy time together. It does not have to cost much. It could be a picnic lunch you take to the park. Just time that the two of you are spending together talking, and yes this means that a movie is out unless you are going to dinner as well. You need to be able to talk and enjoy each other’s company. Think back to when you were dating and how much you longed for the next moment you would spend together. You need this time together for the health and happiness of your home. And when this is happening, you will find that your kids are happier and healthier because they respond well adjusted and happy parents.

This brings me to the subject of disciple:

Yes, you read that verse right. He who withholds, or does not discipline, his son/daughter hates his child. The reason is very straightforward. A child is in the process of growing and during that process will test and push at the boundaries and limits that the parents set. This is normal because they are learning that there are some lines that are not to be crossed. They need to know that there are boundaries and that those boundaries are enforced. When this is done, then your children learn what is right and wrong. If they behave wrongly then they should be punished and disciplined to gain knowledge and grow. If they behave rightly then they should be rewarded and praised. When this is done the child learns to behave properly and gains a sense of self worth and importance and will become well adjusted to society and their sets of rules and laws. However, if we as parents do not enforce those boundaries and spare the rod of discipline for whatever reason (typically because it is either too difficult on us or we just love our kids too much to see them momentarily suffering the discipline) then we are not teaching them the foundations that will lead to becoming well adjusted and having a sense of self worth and importance. If children who become adults don’t have those things then they are liable to become deviants of one kind or another and this is what we are seeing in our society today as we are reaping the sowing of decades of telling parents not to discipline their children. Setting boundaries, rules and laws that your kids need to abide by and a set of disciplinary actions that you will enforce if they do not can only lead to them becoming better people. Do not deprive your children of this.

Love must be the override key to everything that you do with your children. There can be no substitute. Remember that God is love (1 John 4:8) and that we are called to love one another (John 13:35) and that includes your children. This should come naturally and should be obvious. But our children know how to push our buttons and say and do just the right things to set us off. This is normal, but we must never let that phase us out of operating in constant love towards them. If there is ever a moment, especially if they have done something wrong, where your temperature is boiling and you know you are about to operate in anger or rage or frustration and not in love. The best thing you can do is send them to their room until you cool down. Because if you do not and you operate in anything other than love, the damage you do to them might not be reversible and in the end it is just not worth it. Take a moment if you need it, they can wait for their punishment.

And that brings me to my last point on this topic and that is that you must be your children’s biggest fan because the world certainly will not be. I can’t tell you how many parents I have listened to who have spoken ill of their children. I realize that your child may never win a noble prize, but that does not mean that at least in your eyes you shouldn’t see them as capable of doing so. Make no mistake, there is very little chance that anyone else will believe in them let alone be part of their fan club which is why you need to be. They need to know that they can count on you for support. In our household, we do not tolerate dishonesty and my children know it. So, when they come home and tell me that there is something wrong, I take it seriously and go to the school and go to bat for them. The reason is that I am their biggest fan. I believe in them unequivocally and know that they are the best. And you know what, my kids rise to that occasion every time. When children see you loving them even in discipline and see you caring for them and believing in them and being their biggest fan and even going to bat for them, they rise above the rest and fulfill all that you are speaking about them. On the flip side, if you are not doing those things and speaking ill of them, they sink to below the rest and fulfill all that you are speaking about them. So, if they are going to fulfill your very words that you speak about them why not speak the very best.

I hope that this gives you some insight into what God desires you to do as a Godly parent to raise Godly children. Next time I will be focusing on some aspects of the wife that every husband needs to know about. It is a post that every couple needs to know.

Love in Christ.

The Marriage Series (so far):

• Part 1 : Marriages – Introduction

• Part 2 : Marriages – Two Shall Become One Flesh

• Part 3 : Marriages – The Role of a Lifetime

• Part 4 : Marriages – The Authority of the Spouse

• Part 5 : Marriages – Hearing Do You Understand

• Part 6 : Marriages – Sex, Wait, That is in the Bible

Continuing in the series on marriage, I want to discuss the topic of sex. Yes, you heard me correctly. I am want to discuss the topic of sex because to begin with it is a gift from God. Trey Morgan, a Pastor in Childress TX, did a great sermon on this topic back on April 8th, 2009, and it would be worth a listen too. I will be borrowing some from his sermon while adding a bunch of my own.

To begin with, as I mentioned, sex is a gift from God that is meant to be shared between two married people only. The way that we know this is the following:

And

As we can see, both fornicators (people who have sex outside of marriage) and adulterers (people who have sex inside of marriage with someone other than their spouse) will be judged by God and not inherit the kingdom of God. That is pretty harsh since in order to get to heaven we need to be able to inherit the kingdom. Therefore, it is obvious that God desired that sex be only for those in marriage. But we can see that for those in marriage, sex, or the marriage bed, should be held in honor and the reason is because it was given as a gift from God.

And

God created Adam and saw that there was no one for him. He then created Eve starting with a rib from Adam. And when he brought Eve to him, Adam was amazed at what he saw and this is when he said called her woman or as I like to think he called her Whoa-Man. Taking this into full account, we can see that when God created them, he told them to be fruitful and multiply. To put that in today’s terms, God told Adam and Eve to have sex, because it was a gift from God, and have children. When God created them, it was a natural and good act for them to enjoy with each other as a gift from God that would also fulfill the command to multiply. It is important to note that back in the Garden it was not something that was dirty or nasty or hidden. It was only after the fall when they needed clothing and sin had entered mankind that sex began to become something more than a precious gift from God.

We need to understand that before the fall of mankind, Adam and Eve were walking in the Garden naked and sex and multiplying were not something to be ashamed of because they were not ashamed at all. In fact, they were freely moving in God’s gift that he had bestowed on them and enjoying each other as a married couple should. Only after sin entered mankind and they became ashamed of their nakedness and they were expelled from the Garden did the natural act of sex become something a bit more. And from that moment until now, the enemy has done a great job twisting the concept of what God designed to be shared between a husband and wife. In fact, there is really nothing new under the sun.

People think that widespread homosexuality, fornication and adultery are new, but it is not. In fact, King David of Israel had issues dealing with adultery, for example. And I am not just talking about the fact that he had concubines, but the problem he had with Bathsheba. David had seen her one night bathing and he lusted after her (2 Samuel 11:1-2). This was his first problem, but it did not stop there. He then called her and had sex with her because he was the king, but it didn’t stop there because she got pregnant. Did David do the right thing? No, he called her husband to come back from war to sleep with his wife, but he would not. So, David sent him back out and told his commander to put him in the front line so that he would die (2 Samuel 11:15). In other words, David committed adultery and caused Bathsheba to do the same and then became an accessory to the murder of her husband and eventually took her as another wife (2 Samuel 11:27). And all of this was for sex, perverted sex because of the fact that sin entered mankind back in the Garden.

That is the bad side, and just the beginning of the bad side, but this is a study on marriages and how sex is a gift and a joy for those who are married. One of the places in the Bible that you can really see this concept of sex and enjoying your spouse is in the book of Song of Solomon. This book is filled with the conversations between The Lover (Solomon), The Beloved (Solomon’s wife) and The Beloved’s Friend and the words between The Lover and The Beloved can get quite spicey. I will let you be the judge.

And

And

As I said, spicey stuff, but that is because this is part of a conversation between a husband and wife and they are talking about the fact that they are in love and enjoy each other and the gift of sex that God has given us. In fact, this book mentions several times to not arouse the lover until the wife is ready to be pleasing.

As you can see, the Beloved, or the wife, is telling her friends not to arouse or awaken her love until she is ready to be pleasing to him. Now, you can take this several ways, but with all the seeming references to sex and enjoying one another in this book, I believe that the Beloved is saying not to arouse her husband until she is ready to be pleasing in intimate sexual relations. How is that for Scripture? God has a place where he is demonstrating for us the concepts of a good and solid marriage where the two are so in love and enamored with each other that they spend their time pleasing each other with both words and physical contact. This is why I say that sex is a gift from God both for our enjoyment and for the fulfilling of multiplying and filling the earth.

God tells us to be enraptured, captivated, intoxicated, and fully encapsulated by the love of the wife of our youth. The reason he states it that way is because God, in his infinite wisdom, knew we would be a depraved race and seek divorce and remarry. But he desires that we be enraptured by the wife of our youth; our first wife that God joined us to and mixed us into one can of paint with. Just look at the verses above and think about what God is calling us to do and empowering us to be. As a husband, I see the above verse and know that if I allow God to be God in my life he will always empower me to see my wife in new and exciting ways that will keep me wanting to come back for more. And speaking from experience and eighteen years of marriage, I can say that God has continued to do just that.

In fact, given this verse, I can see how my wife should be the standard of beauty in my life. She should be the standard by which all others are measured and all others fall short against. My wife should be the single most beautiful woman on the planet to me because God is enrapturing me to her and drawing me to her body and blessing me like a fountain because of it. When I see other woman around town or on television, I should see all of them as less than my wife because my wife sets the standard by which all other woman must be measured and she sets the bar high because God has empowered her to satisfy me at all times with a holy connection that began when he mixed us into one can of gray paint. And so far, I have yet to find a woman (not that I am looking) that comes even close to measuring up to my wife and I know now that by God there will never be one, and that is the way it should be.

I hope that this has helped you get a better insight into a topic that is admittedly tough to talk about because there is so much perversion and misunderstanding both inside and outside of the church on this topic. Next post, I will discuss how children fit into the perfect picture of your marriage. Stay tuned.

Love in Christ.

The Marriage Series (so far):

• Part 1 : Marriages – Introduction

• Part 2 : Marriages – Two Shall Become One Flesh

• Part 3 : Marriages – The Role of a Lifetime

• Part 4 : Marriages – The Authority of the Spouse

• Part 5 : Marriages – Hearing Do You Understand

Continuing in the series on marriage, I want to talk about probably the most misunderstood and abused area of Scripture and that is the concept of the roles of each spouse within the marriage. This particular topic has caused more strife than just about any other single topic with the exception of money in a Christian marriage and the simple reason is because of not understanding what God meant and the enemy being quick to twist, lie and deceive. So, I am going to help to set the record straight on exactly what is expected of each and every role so that your marriage can operate within the will and blessings of God.

To begin with, let us look at the Scriptures that talk about the roles of the husband and the wife.

You will notice that I started quoting from verse 21 which states that we are to be subject to one another in the fear or reverence of Jesus Christ. I did that on purpose because it is very important to realize that the word subject, which also means to serve and to yield to one’s authority, is not a bad word but a good word and a word that can and does contain blessings. When we subject and submit to God and yield to his authority, we are blessed. It is not a bad thing and God does not lord it over us. This is important because God and Jesus is our model.

That brings me to the husband, which I am. God tells the husband to love his wife as Christ loved the church and also to love them as he loves himself. This is very important because with Jesus as our model and the head of the church, we should look to him to see how we are to love our wives. Jesus loved the church by serving the church. The perfect picture of this is when he washed the disciples feet at the last supper. They saw him as lord and didn’t understand what he was doing. Take a look:

Notice how Jesus washed their feet and then asked them if they understood what he was doing. He did this because they knew him as lord and master and having total authority over them. Whatever he would have asked of them, they would have done and did do after Pentecost when they each served him with their lives. But he tells them here that as he washed their feet, as he served them, that they should do the same and serve others. In other words, Jesus was telling them that the most important role of their lord and head of the church was to serve the church and not act as some high and mighty king even though that is what he deserved. And then he told them to do the same because a servant is not greater than his master and the one who is sent is not greater than the one who sent him. He also said that if you do this, that is to serve the church, you will be blessed.

This is the example of how Jesus was head of the church and how Jesus served the church. When God tells the husband to love his wife like Jesus loved the church, he is telling husbands to be a servant to his wife and see to her needs. He is telling the husband to provide for her and to make sure that he has never lorded over her his position as Jesus never lorded over anyone who he was. God even goes further to say that husbands should love their wives as they love their own self because people have a great love for themselves even if they don’t admit it. This is why, as the Bible points out, people eat and nourish and even cherish their own self and God says the husband should love his wife in the same way.

With this in mind and it is important to have this in mind, God tells the wife to be subject or submitting or serving to their husband. There is basically two things that God has as instruction for the wife that is rolled up in the concept of subjecting. The first is the same as the husband in that they are to serve the husband. The reason is because Jesus is their role model as well and they are called to serve just like the husband is. The main difference between a husband and a wife is that the wife is also called to yield to the husband’s authority. This one goes all the way back to the Garden of Eden and the fall of man when God told Eve, and all woman, that their husbands would rule over them.

In the Garden, God was the only head and there was no further need for a line of command, so to speak, because God came and walked with them in the cool of the day (Genesis 3:8). After the fall, God no longer walked that closely with mankind and we needed to have more structure because a two headed anything is a freak. So, God transferred his headship over everything to Jesus and then down to the husband over the family. This is why the wife is called to be subject or yielding to the husband’s authority. However, if the husband is acting like Jesus, as God called him to be, then this will not be a problem. Think about this for a moment. If the husband is loving on his wife and serving his wife in every aspect of their marriage would it not inspire the wife to want to serve the husband back? I believe so. And when it is time for a decision to be made, the husband, if he is wise, will seek the good counsel of his wife and they should talk about it. The difference will come in the end when God will hold the husband accountable for the decisions that are made.

My wife and I had a bit of a time learning this. I had read that the wife had to submit and I wanted her to submit by golly and she was not. The reason was because I was not serving her and loving her. I was lording over her what I thought was my God given right and I was very much in the wrong. So, my wife called our spiritual father, Tom, over to help explain what the truth was. I can remember what Tom said. I told him that the Bible says that my wife is to submit and she better submit. He told me that maybe I should read a little farther. When I did, he explained what God had in mind. Well, I did get the idea, but one fight some time later had us really mixing it up with words and I turned to her and said, “You are supposed to submit.” My wife is a quick as a whip and sharper than a sword and replied to me without hesitating, “Well, God says you are supposed to love me like Christ loved the church and Jesus died for the church so drop dead.” Well, that just got me laughing and totally broke our mood and we were eventually able to talk out our argument. But I can still remember her telling me that. Thank God for good wives.

Now, the most important thing to learn is that both spouses are to serve one another just like Jesus served the disciples and if you do that and do it with cheer and sincerity then there will be a great mutual love that will naturally flow between you that will be an outpouring of what God writes on your heart. Yes, the husband is the head of the household and God will hold him responsible for all decisions of the home. But any good leader will always take advantage of all good counsel available and what better counsel than that of his loving wife who as the Bible says is a crown (Proverbs 12:4) and a good thing (Proverbs 18:22). This is why good solid communications is the key to any good marriage. And when you are in this balance that God has defined then God richly blesses you.

I hope that this has helped to clear up what has been a stumbling block for many. Next time we will discuss the authority of the spouse to pray. Probably one of the most important topics of the series. So stay tuned.

Love in Christ.

The Marriage Series (so far):

• Part 1 : Marriages – Introduction

• Part 2 : Marriages – Two Shall Become One Flesh

Continuing in the series on marriage, I want to talk about a much misunderstood topic from the Bible concerning the concept of marriage. And that topic is the notion of “One Flesh,” or more precisely, what is meant when God says that he takes two people and makes one out of them when they are married. This comes from the following scripture.

And then Jesus added to this when questioned on the subject of divorce.

We can see from these passages that God takes marriage very serious. So much to the point that God says that when he marries someone he joins them together so that they are one flesh and not two and therefore he warns let no one separate what he has put together. What does he mean when he says this? I heard a preacher once state that when God puts us together he knits us together like a giant afghan in that he takes a blue thread and a red thread and intertwines the two together to make one beautiful garment. While that is a beautiful picture, I find a fault in this picture in that you can unravel the object that was knit together and have two separate pieces of yarn again. Anyone who has been through a divorce, especially if children are involved, will tell you that unraveling the marriage and becoming totally separated and two complete individuals again is impossible because there is some kind of connection that exists between the two who were married. Often this connection is attributed to the existence of children that were in the marriage. But I think there is something deeper there.

I asked God once what he meant when he said that he joined to people together into one flesh and he gave me an illustration that I believe answers the problem above and shows why God is so strongly against divorce. He showed me two buckets of paint. One bucket was of white paint and the second one was of black paint. Then I saw the two buckets being mixed together into a new bucket of paint that was gray. God said, “This is what I mean when I join two into one flesh.” You see when you mix black and white and get gray you get a single (one) new creation out of what previous (two) existed. There is no longer white or black, only gray. When two people get married, God mixes their spirits into one gray can of paint so that spiritually they are one person because God has joined them together. Now, the problem that occurs when one wants to get a divorce is that you can no longer get black out of gray because it has been fully mixed into becoming a new thing which is gray. Likewise you can not take out white out of the gray anymore. Therefore, when a divorce occurs, half of the can of paint leaves and not just the black, but a mix of the black and the white. This is why Jesus warned the following:

If we were separate strands of threads that could easily be pulled apart out of a garment then separating, divorcing and marrying another should not in any way be adultery. However, if we are joined into one gray can of paint so that it is impossible to pull out black or white and then divorce, which means take half of the can of gray paint and leave, then we are taking part of our spouse with us because you can not separate the colors out of the gray. If that be true, then if we try to remarry, we are still joined spiritually to our former wife and thus would be committing adultery in God’s eyes who sees both the spiritual and the physical. This, I believe, is the perfect picture of what God does when he marries to people and joins them together and why God warns not to divorce and why God sees remarriage as adultery.

What then are we to do in this society if we run into trouble within our marriage? To begin with, you need to seek good counsel. Be weary of any who would advise that you leave your marriage with the exception of abuse because God does not desire that you suffer any abuse. Pray that God would help your situation and heal your marriage. Seek the Lord, because he is the one that can heal anything that has gone wrong. It does not matter how far gone or lost you feel your marriage has become, it can be saved. Allow me to share about my marriage.

The year was 1998 and we had been married for seven years at the time. I was going to college and my wife was working hard at night at UPS loading trucks because only UPS offered benefits at part time hours. Our days were long and the same. I would get up and be at college by 7am. My wife would get up with our two daughters (at the time that was all we had, we are now blessed with three children) and watch them until about 4pm when she took them to the babysitters. I would leave school about 6pm and pick the girls up from the babysitters and bring them home. I would watch them until 8pm and which point they would go to bed. A quick straighten of the house and then I was doing homework until the late hours of the night. My wife would arrive home some time after midnight. Sunday was spent doing church all day with a break for lunch and Saturday we spend running errands that could be run and fighting because of tension over money mostly. Stress was high and money was tight and there was only so much of everything to go around and we lived like this for literally months. Finally, my wife was pregnant for a child we lost and as we lost the child our Christian doctor told us to go home and confess to each other. What a word from a doctor. Well that confession session both nearly destroyed and eventually saved our marriage because our marriage had been rocked by an affair and it was eating at the heart of everything but as a hidden underbelly just the way the enemy likes it. When this confession came out, well, it seemed like all hell broke loose in our marriage. My wife had begun packing and said she was going to her mom’s and wanted a divorce. I told her no, but I honestly was not sure I wanted her to stay. In the coming weeks, things got so bad that the original elders who were helping us told us that there was no way to reconcile and get a divorce. Imagine for a moment that the church elders you went to for help were telling you that there was no hope and to give up. We went to the Pastor and told him where we were and he recommended another couple in our church. While leery, we went. By this time, I had my speech down as to why I hated my wife and everyone else should too, it is amazing she stayed through that. Gary and Gina sat us down and asked us what was going on. I got maybe a sentence or two into my speech when Gary interrupted me and asked, “How is your walk with Christ?” Before I even knew what I was saying the following words came out of my mouth, “What does that have to do with anything?” And that was the heart of the problem. From there, they were able to bring us back to Christianity 101 and then build us up from ground and a solid foundation and now our marriage is stronger than we ever thought it could be.

I share this testimony to let you know that no matter what you may be facing and however dark and bleak it may seem God can heal your marriage if you let him. In our situation, we were hurting and the hurt began long before the affair and because of that we suffered, we both suffered because remember we are one can of gray paint and if communication is not working than instead of God’s design working where when one is down the other can lift them up, you wind up bringing the other down. But God healed all of that. We were right there perhaps moments from filing papers and God brought us back and he can bring you back also. He can heal you and restore the joy to your can of paint again. He can restore hope back into your marriage and your life because God is love and love hopes. Love bears all, love believes all, love endures all, love hopes all and love never ever fails (1 Corinthians 13:7-8). Focus on God and his love will fill you and your marriage and restore hope again and he will heal what was broken because God loves to heal the broken hearted.

I hope this illustration about how God joins two together has helped you. Next post we will discuss the roles of each spouse and how they are to interact together in a Godly marriage. There is a lot of misconception in this area and everyone needs to know the truth. So stay tuned.

Love in Christ

The Marriage Series (so far):

• Part 1 : Marriages – Introduction